Thanksgiving Morning

I just got out of my bed about five minutes ago. I've been awake since for the past two hours. I hate to say it but I have fallen victim to the holiday depression wave. I'm going to stay home today (not that there were many options), watch tv, cook, eat, sleep, and be depressed. Nothing like a national observance day to remind you how alone you really can be. Yesterday I was watching an Oprah show that aired last week. It was about a woman who was taking care of her mother and twelve kids, three of her own and the rest her brother's children. They slept three to a bed, including grandma. Oprah granted her wildest dream of becoming a homeowner. Then Nate Burkus decorated it. Oprah later told all the kids that education is freedom. She then promised to pay for their college educations out of her own pocket when they are ready to go. This whole episode made me cry. Partly because I wish there were people out there who would bestow that type of kindness on me. The other part was because I wish I could give the same fortunes and blessings like Oprah did.

I looked around my small two room space and said, "is this it?" Will I be trapped here like this, in this state forever? It's possible. I'm alone. I give but don't really receive because nobody thinks I'm worthy of it. Is my time here on Earth a waste? I know it's not when it comes to my volunteering but I don't have anything else. I feel so much love inside of me yet nobody wants it except on a conditional basis. I'm crying just writing this and I feel like throwing in the towel. But I know I can't. I wasn't created that way. Like Oprah says...there are certain things I know.

I know part of my purpose here is to remind people that they should continue to give, be kind, think about human life even if it means sacrifice.

I know that I have touched lives in a positive way.

I know that "each one, teach one" goes a long way. I must continue to teach through my life lessons.

I know that I am a good person.

And I know that I am to rise each day and face whatever is presented until I am not supposed to rise anymore.

I will cry today but I will NOT cry tomorrow or the next day. That's a promise to me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I woke up feeling really good today. Empowered. Not really sure why. Just felt that way when I opened my eyes. I felt...untouchable. Powerful. It's good to have days like today where nothing was going to bring me down. Even the train ride was good. I felt like one of the IPod people (even though I don't have one and still listen to a CD player). You know how the IPeople are...white earbuds, the knowing look that they're in, the music, the culture. Being part of "the normals". Funny thing is, I don't want to be like everybody else. I just want to be Ang with the feeling that comes with being me. The good feeling.

I finally decided what i'm going to do for my upcoming birthday. I'm going to get my hair "did", then get a manicure. After that, i'm going to do something I rarely do...buy an overpriced cup of hot chocolate then go to the "Top of the Rock" for a view of New York. After that, I'm going to get desert at Serendipty. And by the way...i'll be doing all of this by myself. Funny thing is...i'm cool with that! I can honestly say that I have matured to the point that I can be alone and be o.k. I have gotten tired of waiting for people to celebrate or even acknowledge the day I came into this world. I'm glad i'm here. Next year, I am going to spend my birthday on a beach somewhere. That's a promise to me. It's funny how it takes many people disrespecting me to know that if I don't have respect for myself they certainly won't. I've got it. Message received. While I hope one day someone will take the time to really get to know me, I'm cool with the possibility that may never happen. I know who I am and what i'm capable of. Waking up today feeling good reminded me that I don't have to have a reason to feel the way I feel. Just be me!

Fall and Falling in New York

It was a classic fall day here in the city. The sun was brilliant. The air crisp. Lately I've been feeling a bit down. The change in weather, season makes my mood even more heightened. The Christmas tree lighting is next week. I love Christmas. I was hoping I would be celebrating the end of 2005 with someone special. Yet again..not my year in the love life sense. How is this possible? Maybe I was really, really bad in a previous life. I don't think so but you never know. I think that hormonal, "clock is ticking" thing is kicking in. One of my other friends told me when she was my age she was still single and just passing a baby in a stroller made her cry like a baby. I have to admit I get a bit down seeing other produce offspring. I'm happy for them but it stirs up all these crazy emotions and questions. Will I ever meet my counterpart? Will I ever have kids? Will I be alone in this lifetime? Will I be happy?

Lately I've been wanting to get out and explore. There are so many things I want to do before I leave this Earth. I actually came up with 92 things on a list of 101 things to do before I die. Some of the stuff is crazy, some practical. I started working on the list. I want to accomplish two before the end of the year. One of them includes telling that guy I liked that he's a jerk (that's the cleaned up version). I think I'll do that on my birthday. Make it a good one! These maternal feelings come in waves. Then just as magically as they appear, they disappear. I wonder where I'll be five years from now. Hopefully not living in this small space I'm in now. I want so many things. I need. While I do believe that part of my purpose on this Earth is to be here to support those who will "make it big" so to speak, I can't help but wonder...will I ever make it? And if so, who will be there with me? My husband? My children? My family? Close friends? Or will it be just be? It was a good day today. Let's see what the week brings.