A Cloudy Sunday Afternoon

I feel so unfocused today. I have two lab sets, a SPSS project, a MOB final research paper due, and a final exam next week. Why can't I concentrate? I think part of it is because I'm alone. I hate to keep coming back to it but I guess holidays or pending holidays add more pressure to lie to those around me who seem so happy. The analytical side of me is like...clearly some of them are faking. However they still can pretend and have someone to pretend with. I know it's better to be alone than with people you can't stand but it's easier to say rather than experience.

I couldn't sleep last night. I finally went to bed at like 2am. Woke up at 7:20 then again at 10:30. I must really be losing my mind. I spent like almost $100 bucks signing up for two online dating services. Am I crazy? I must be since I know my track record with dating is miserable. Maybe there is still that optimisic part of me that says you have to keep trying. But the realistic part of me is like I could use that $100 bucks treating myself on my birthday. I still have time to cancel the subscription.

I was talking to Miriam yesterday. She is so wise and warm. I was telling her about my "outline" for my birthday. I'm going to get my hair done, then buy myself something totally fun and impractical, then i'm going to my favorite Japanese place, Mizu, for a solo meal. Miriam made me feel really good just by being supportive. Not many friends actually listen to me. I'm usually the back up friend. The friend that they know is around because she is alone. I'm the friend everybody calls when they aren't busy because they expect me not to be busy. But you know what? I'm going to make myself busy by embracing my aloneness. It's going to be hard at first but I'm going to get use to it. I have to start forcing myself to just be o.k. with being alone. Isolated. I'm not going to lie...it's going to be really, really hard but i'm just going to have to suck it up and do it.

My goal for 2005 was to get back into school...to start taking more risks even if it meant that I would have to go broke and live on the street. I'm back in school now. As hard as it is...I love it. I wish I had someone special in my life to share part of my life with but I know it's not going to happen. For as much progress we as people have made, the reality is that I could be over 40, no front teeth, smell bad, and have acne and still be involved as long as I am thin. But, if you are like me...not thin, intelligent, caring, funny, honest, and a good person...well...you just have to live alone, be alone, do alone. 2006 is the year of weight loss. The pressure to be "normal" whatever that means to society is too great for me. Normal to me is just being me. I was created this way for a reason. But unfortuantely society has tagged me as abnormal, someone with a "problem". My real problem is that some people are too damn superficial. It's all about the "right" clothes, the right car, the right material something. I guess I'll never be "normal". But you know...I don't care. How many of the "normals" actually give a damn about anyone but themselves? It's hard to believe that Christmas will be here in two weeks and all I hear people talking about it buying gifts and going crazy as if Christmas is the only time of the year to be nice. Maybe I am abnormal. I think it's Christmas all year long. I like to give things "just because". I guess it's because I always give surprises yet never really receive them that puts me in a funk sometimes. Oh well. I have to start surprising myself more.

I better try to read. Get focused. I really wish I was on vacation somewhere warm. No worries. Happy. Right now...all I can do for the moment is stare out of the window as I type. It's cloudy, a bit dreary. Sad. I'm going to cry today because it feels like a good day to cry. I have found it's a good way to release energy. At least when I do that, I understand why. Tomorrow will be better. Lorraine and I will go to see a movie after my group lab finishes.