Every Pot Doesn't Have a Lid

Same story...different day...can't fall back asleep. It's really quiet. Maybe one or two cars have gone by in the last hour. I've been thinking a lot about why I get hung up on men who clearly "just aren't that into me". I think I hold on to the hope that someone out there will open his heart to me. All of my friends hate to hear me say that I am losing hope that anyone is really out there for me. I can't even say it out loud anymore without everyone saying that's not true, the right guy is out there for me. Every pot has a lid right? But what if I'm the defective pot off the line that has to be discarded? I feel angry with myself again for liking someone who probably thinks i'm "nice" and has already dumped me into that friend category that is the pseudo sister but never the potential woman to date. I want to be the best friend, the confidant, the love of his life, the soulmate, the everything to someone out there....just like he would be in my world. But...he isn't out there for me. I can't say that with 100% accuracy but it's not looking good.

Some guys use to tell me I put a wall up but in reality...it was they who put the walls around their heart...and not just any wall. They put up the brick wall with the extra strength concrete that is virtually impenetrable. I think i'm learning how to build that wall and I hate it. I've worked so hard to be open and honest with myself and others but it feels like with most of the guys I encounter, I get penalized for not playing "the game". Or, maybe i'm just not girlfriend material. This is going to be the last post in which I talk about being alone and single. I guess one could say this subject is one of my sore spots. It's like playing with fire knowing full well that i'm going to get burned pretty badly...yet i'm still attracted to the fire. I don't want any more scar tissue. I refuse to cry over it though although I am pretty close to crying right now. I am not going to cry. O.K. who am I fooling...just this last time. I am a girl after all.

O.K. I feel better. I'm going to start writing the book today. It's time. For what it's worth...i'm leading one hell of a life and I didn't even know just how interesting I am. I guess..no...I know it's true that everything is a learning lesson. I'm still learning.