A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

So I did something that I am paying the price for right now. I actually binged on some Pringles in a tuned out emotional break and now my stomach is literally doing flip flops. I haven't had one of these junk food moments in a good while and believe me when I say I won't have another one for a long time to come! I know why I did it...a semi-subconscious attempt at sabotaging my progress on an emotional and physical level. The comfort sport. It's an easy trap to fall back into. I'm not going to beat myself up for it but I am also not going to fall for it again. I had a passing thought about Jason yesterday. Of course it was triggered by his voicemail message just before Christmas. On one hand, I'm really happy about the arrival of his first child with his wife. When we were friends I remember him talking about what his life would be like once he got married and had a family of his own. I am sure he is a good dad. On the other hand, we are no longer friends simply because the one time I called needing a friend to listen to me, he didn't take the time to listen. I thought we had a bond like brother and sister. He hurt me by simply not listening. I remember all of his early morning calls when he needed a friend to listen to his fears and accomplishments. He knew in my bouts of insomnia that I would be awake to listen. It's funny that the one and only time I ever called him in the middle of the night to talk about how I was feeling about my workplace environment (after 4am), he wasn't a good friend. What bothered me the most was that when he did call back about three hours later instead of asking me what was wrong, he left me a voicemail message scolding me as if though I was a child. It angered me even more that the impression he left me with was that his wife doesn't know anything about me or of the platonic friendship that we had. It was as if though all he cared about was what his wife would think. It didn't matter that I was a friend in need of someone to listen and that I reached out for his advice. I needed to talk to someone so much that I actually called my mother that morning around 4:30am. We don't have the best relationship in the world but that night she listened. In that moment I loved and respected my mother for being there. I really wish Jason had valued our friendship more than he did. I was and still am deeply hurt.

It's true that people are put into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes I wonder if O'Neil will do the same thing one day. The only difference between the two is that with O'Neil, like five years ago, I like him more than just being platonic friends. I care about him deeply but I already know he has put me into that friends only box. I'm forced to make my peace with that assessment. It's the end point to what I messed up all those years ago. It's my punishment. He'll never know that I knew somehow we would find one another again. While he forgot about me, I never forgot about him. What I don't know is if things will turn out similarly to the way they did with Jason in regards to great conversations, love talking and debating one another, etc. Will he too go on to get married, have a family, and then forget about me...again? I don't know if Jason and I will ever speak or see one another again but I do always wish those who have come and gone from my life the best. Only time knows the rest of the story.

Yo Querio Pizza Hut?

O.K. Let me start off by saying I am so happy to be living in a democratic society here in the United States and that I embrace my nationality whole heartedly. With that said I must say that I am very disappointed with the state of Texas for allowing democracy to run amuck to appease immigrants. Again, half of my heritage is that of the immigrant plight...after all, my mother came to this country and is a naturalized citizen of the U.S. However, I found myself a bit disgusted with Texas for now allowing the Mexican peso to be used as currency in Pizza Huts in their state. What the hell is going on?!? First the Mexican flag was allowed to be flown over the American flag and now you can even use currency that is not from this country? Since when has English and the American dollar become politically incorrect in the United States? Last time I checked, when I visited other countries, I was required to use their currency and adapt to their language (if they didn't speak English). Nowadays it seems that the United States is the only country you can come to and never have to worry about speaking the language of the land or adapting to any of the guidelines here. Why adapt when we'll accommodate instead? I noticed this trend over almost 20 years ago when I went to take the written test towards getting my drivers license. Even back then, if you didn't speak English, you were allowed to take the test in a host of other languages including Spanish, French, and Italian. At that time, all major roadway signs were in English. Nowadays, the signs are still in English but fancy translation signs are also available to cater to those who might not speak the language. It seems to me the American way now is to be Un-American. I am appalled that this is happening. God Bless the USA...he will now need to start praying for us too!

Slippery when Wet

So I almost became a bathroom accident victim when I slipped in the shower and nearly split my head open on the tiled wall. Fortunately for me I only hit my left knee on the rim of the tub. The shower curtain helped break my slip so that I could get my balance again. I think my heart literally skipped a couple of beats during the incident. I can laugh about it now but an hour ago it was a different story. My body seriously hurts. No pain, no gain. The hot shower always helps but today I think i'm going to lay down for about a half hour. Will revisit post later.

The Smartest Guys in the Room

I watched the documentary Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room today and I must say it was shocking to see just how rampant the greed and corruptions was throughout that company and those who enabled it. What amazed me the most was lack of regard that the traders, in particular, had towards the entire state of California during the blackouts. Greed and indifference literally fueled dishonesty and cold-hearted behavior. For Ken Lay to say he had no idea what was going on in his own company was appalling. Ignorance is not a good defense...especially when there was so much blatent theft and lies in place. The folks at Arthur Anderson was equally offensive. It is really amazing just how much money can bring out the dark evil that lies within a person's soul.

Daily News

Where does one begin? Why not start with local news. How sad and crazy is it when a mother will smother and throw her baby's lifeless body in the trash? How can a woman put so little value on a life that she carried in her own body? It is truly sad to think that someone can think to do such a thing. What is even sadder is that fact that local media spent about one minute of coverage to this story compared to about three minutes discussing the war of words between two rich people: The Donald vs. Rosie. It's even more annoying that Barbara Walters added her two cents into the mix calling Trump "a pathetic man". All of them are pathetic. I bet this is nothing more than a ratings scam. You can't tell me that three wealthy people are really feuding in public over stupidity. Stop the madness! On a good note...we had snowflakes today in the city! It was brief but still snow! Can't wait for the blizzard to come in February.

On the National front...good old George W. will deliver his address to the country to let us know he's sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq. Yet another stupid act by our stupid president. What is it about men's egos that they can never truly admit they made a mistake? What is the point of having democracy if the Patriot Act allows the president to do whatever he pleases Meanwhile talk to raising the minimum wage to just over seven dollars is on the horizon. Who the hell can live off of that?!? Our country is so screwed up. We can spend billions on a war but can't even make sure our citizens have a decent life on our own soil. Don't even get me started with medical care or lack of it due to poverty and working poor conditions.

Finally, an interesting blurb caught my ear. Apparently Jason Kidd is divorcing his wife citing that she is abusive towards him and his children. I thought it was interesting because it is rare for a man, let alone a celebrity sports player, to admit or acknowledge this type of alleged abuse. Who knows if it is true or not but I thought it was interesting that he is putting that concept out to the public.

Oh well...it's really cold outside...just the way I like it. I won't make it to the museum today but will for sure tomorrow. Today I must part with a lot of money on the last leg of my degree. I feel so broke but at least for now I can still afford the rent so it's not all bad. I better log in to pay tuition now so that I don't have to pay the late fee. More later.

3500cal.

While I have a modest pain in my right knee, today turned out to be a fairly decent day. In addition to getting some errands done, the workout proved equally challenging but I was able to keep up for the most part. The spin bikes always get me but with the right music the time goes by quickly. I'm going to try to make it every day this week. By Friday I probably won't be able to feel my body at all but what the heck...keep pushing. I hate stepping on the scale but I did this morning just to make sure I didn't gain any weight during the trip. I didn't think so since it didn't feel like I did. The scale gave me a refreshing surprise. Down four more pounds. Not bad. Only a zillion more to lose. Ha ha. Darren has me keeping a food journal for the next three days. I hate doing them but i'll put in the full effort this go around. It does help keeping track of food but I don't want to obsess over it. I do love my chocolate! After I get tuition paid this week, I'm going to look into swimming lessons so that by next trip I can enjoy more adventurous water sports. Early wake up tomorrow so I better attempt to get sleep now. Didn't get to the museum yet. Should definitely go this week. Only one appointment left so it's do-able.

Every Pot Doesn't Have a Lid

Same story...different day...can't fall back asleep. It's really quiet. Maybe one or two cars have gone by in the last hour. I've been thinking a lot about why I get hung up on men who clearly "just aren't that into me". I think I hold on to the hope that someone out there will open his heart to me. All of my friends hate to hear me say that I am losing hope that anyone is really out there for me. I can't even say it out loud anymore without everyone saying that's not true, the right guy is out there for me. Every pot has a lid right? But what if I'm the defective pot off the line that has to be discarded? I feel angry with myself again for liking someone who probably thinks i'm "nice" and has already dumped me into that friend category that is the pseudo sister but never the potential woman to date. I want to be the best friend, the confidant, the love of his life, the soulmate, the everything to someone out there....just like he would be in my world. But...he isn't out there for me. I can't say that with 100% accuracy but it's not looking good.

Some guys use to tell me I put a wall up but in reality...it was they who put the walls around their heart...and not just any wall. They put up the brick wall with the extra strength concrete that is virtually impenetrable. I think i'm learning how to build that wall and I hate it. I've worked so hard to be open and honest with myself and others but it feels like with most of the guys I encounter, I get penalized for not playing "the game". Or, maybe i'm just not girlfriend material. This is going to be the last post in which I talk about being alone and single. I guess one could say this subject is one of my sore spots. It's like playing with fire knowing full well that i'm going to get burned pretty badly...yet i'm still attracted to the fire. I don't want any more scar tissue. I refuse to cry over it though although I am pretty close to crying right now. I am not going to cry. O.K. who am I fooling...just this last time. I am a girl after all.

O.K. I feel better. I'm going to start writing the book today. It's time. For what it's worth...i'm leading one hell of a life and I didn't even know just how interesting I am. I guess..no...I know it's true that everything is a learning lesson. I'm still learning.

Monday Monday

Just got back not too long ago from my workout. I am so stiff all I want to do is throw myself on my bed and not get up! No pain no gain right? But does it have to hurt so much sometimes? Ha ha. I did meet a really cool guy today who also works out at the same place. What a hottie! His dreads were so beautiful and definitely matched his personality. We were talking for a good while before, during, and after. If I see him again maybe i'll ask him out. He seems interesting enough that I want to know more. It took me almost 25 minutes to get home because I was walking so slow...literally sauntering. By the time I got to the staircase on the front porch I was debating how I was going to get into my space. Tomorrow I'll brave the scale to see how my progress is going. I don't feel like I gained any weight during my trip but you never know. Anyway, I thought the sun was going to come out today but it's still pretty cloudy. If I wasn't so sore I should have going to the Brooklyn Museum today to check out the Annie Lebowitz exhibit. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Right now I better get some lunch before I pass out. Will revisit the post later.

Saddam and Global Warming

Saddam..I remember back in the late 80's at the height of the Arsenio Hall show many of the jokes the comedian would make about politics. His funniest and most revealing one about Saddam was the name itself. Arsenio summed up the dictator best by reminding us that if you spell Saddam's name backwards it forms the word "Maddas"...one letter short of mad ass. Last week, the world watched as Saddam was put to death for his crimes against humanity. While I watched the footage like everyone else, I am not completely convinced that he is indeed dead. His execution was so rushed, leaks of footage that should not have been captured, and a mistrust of government in general makes me wonder if we are all being fed yet another snow job by the political powers in place. Saddam himself was so mistrustful of his own regime that he had many "stunt doubles" who represented him in the public area due to his fear of being executed at any given moment. Let's face it...Saddam is an evil man...he knew this of himself as well. Personally, I believe he should have been kept alive and tortured in some of the ways he arbitrarily decided to torment and hurt people in his own country. Ultimately though, the so called execution of Saddam makes me wonder why nobody is talking about other mad asses of the world who really do pose a catastrophic danger to the United States. Osama Bin Laden just acquired another wife. How come U.S. intelligence agencies can't locate him? In Nancy Giles CBS Sunday morning commentary she made note of women who settle for crazy men like Bin Laden. It would appear that in terms of our relationship with other countries, the U.S. seems to settle to mediocrity. George W. was so hell bent on bringing Saddam and his regime down to get back at the dictator for what he did during George H's presidency. Now that Saddam is allegedly dead, where has that gotten us? We now have a war that has gone on longer than WWII. We have billions of dollars spent on a mistake. And we have overlooked the fact that Saddam isn't the one who will kill all citizens of the world...it's Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il. ..for they are the real nuclear powers in charge. The funny thing is we don't hear anything about them on a daily basis in the media or political arenas. Why do you think that is? I have my theories but will reserve them for a later time. What we do hear about are trans fats, Brittney Spears, and only when the weather is crazy...Global Warming.

Global Warming...Similar to the catchphrase of "El Nino" several years ago, global warming by many average citizens is being treated like just some fun word to say when the weather is weird. What many don't really care about truly is that we are destroying the Earth at a predicted record pace. The Earth's surface temperatures continue to rise and there is no clear indicator that it will stop. What is guaranteed is that we will populate and increase the amount of waste we put in the universe tenfold. It's bad enough that corporations get rewarded for pollution. We as every day people add to it because the average mindset is that we won't be here when everything implodes. "Going Green" is a phrase that many don't understand or even want to try to understand. They think only the rich do that. It's scary just how selfish we humans can be. We'll flock to moviehouses to see dancing penguins yet won't think twice about how we are destroying the natural habitats of the very animals that amuse us. We are a doomed society of people aren't we? Some guy on the news made a comment about yesterday's abnormal 72 degree weather here in New York. He said, "If this is global warming...bring it on!". Is he a moron or what?!?

Both subjects are heavily discussed as part of popular culture but neither are taken seriously until very bad things happen. By the time we all wake up...it will be too late to do anything.