Death of the Spirit

Today isn't such a good day for me but i'm going to generate enough positive energy to go visit Alison in the hospital in about an hour. I woke up crying and can't seem to feel in a loving, positive frame of mind right now. I feel lonely as I usually do. I guess i'm not keeping myself as busy as I should to not feel this way. In my own way I think i'm experiencing the death of my own spirit. Alison use to say that I was lucky that both of my parents are alive and that I should allow them to participate in my life. Her father died when we were in high school. What she didn't understand is that her father didn't have a choice not being with her. His medical illness was too strong for him to win the battle. Her mom is supportive of her. With my parents, what is their excuse? To this day, they are alive and in somewhat good health yet they take my heart for granted just like everyone else. What is their excuse for always putting conditions on their love? I think my heart is permanently broken and that's why there will never be anyone out there who will truly love me unconditionally except for me. I'm on my own. It hurts. Never really any good surprises out of life. Just reckless people who are reckless with my heart. Ironically it's all my fault. People can only do to you what you allow them to do. I have allowed people to be reckless with my heart and now that is has been broken yet again there are too many shards to make it whole again. All I can do now is fake happiness. I'm lost again and i'm not sure which direction to go in yet. In the meantime I have to focus on school and at least finish what I started. In some small way it will make me happy to know that I worked hard towards something. I turned in my graduation petition form yesterday. I don't think i'm going to go to graduation now. I'll think about it.

10:13 p.m... Alison is doing better today. She says she hates that she has to take so many pills right now but her doctors say that in time the number will reduce greatly. I'll try to go back for another visit on Tuesday. She will be there for at least two weeks. I'm feeling a little bit better and made another small step towards building wealth. I opened my IRA account and am starting to read up more on mutual funds and stocks. At least I had the sense to save in the 401K plan. Nothing to major but I managed to save a decent chuck that has gained more than it has lost. At least it's a continued start. I better get back to homework.

Life and Death

Well...so much for staying local on this cold winter day. My original plan was to type up my homework and get some reading done for next week's classes. You know what happens when you make plans right? I knew I had to head uptown to visit Alison in the hospital. What I didn't expect was that I had to make a stop at school to clean up this extra class mess. Needless to say two hours was spent dropping a class I didn't want anyway and trying to figure out how to pay the additional charge for the one I want to take which has a trip portion included. Still working on how to make that happen but I won't worry about it. Where there is a will there is a way. I made it to the hospital about an hour after she came out of surgery so I basically had to lie to get into the recovery area ( I know God will forgive me). She was awake and looked relieved that I had come to see her. Her boyfriend was there as well. Normally I don't offer opinions on relationships unless directly asked. In this case, I just have to say he is such a self-centered jerk! Instead of being positive and honestly loving, all he kept mentioning was how tired he was because of the early surgery time of 5am. So what! In his defense though, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Something she said to me about him several years ago reinforced in my mind that they don't belong together.

Anyway, on the positive side, the transplant surgery went well. Her donor was only 24 years old...another young woman in need of a transplant herself but for her complications arose. What a tough thing for her family to experience. One minute there is a life, the next...she is gone. However, even in death...there is life. Even though I signed an organ donor card myself, I know that my family will not respect my decision because they don't listen to what I say. I wasn't a match for Alison but I know I am for someone else if something were to happen to me. I will go back tomorrow to visit and make sure she is o.k. Hopefully by then some of her family members will be there. I remember being in the hospital two years ago. I went alone. I remember checking in at 6am and by seven they were taking me into the operating room and I was thinking if I don't wake up there would be nobody for them to call since I don't have anyone on an "in case of emergency" list. With the exception of Cher and Jean visiting me when I came out of surgery, I was alone throughout my stay. To this day my family doesn't know that I was in the hospital. Maybe one day I'll tell them. Maybe not.

Looking back at that experience, I realize now that if I have to go it alone in these tough decisions during my life I am capable of doing so. While I do have friends who I can count on, I still feel alone in the sense that noone really knows what I really think about. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. My family still knows how to upset me so. Rae must think i'm crazy for answering the phone while crying. I get so frustrated sometimes. Looks like I'm back to doing laundry the way I use to when up until last year. I will now have to haul everything down the stairs and blocks away. Yet another thing but you know what...I will do what I have to do to get it done. I just didn't need this right now (not that I ever need it) with all of the other stress i'm under. Just have to remind myself not to worry so much.

A Match for Alison

Great news just a few minutes ago. There has been an organ match for Alison! How exciting. She will undergo surgery in about five hours. I told her that of course she would pick the coldest day of the year to have everyone come to the hospital! It has been a long process in the search for a viable organ for her. I'm glad she got the call today. We have been friends for a very long time. I will say a special prayer for her before I sleep. I know everything will be fine. Now I better try to get some sleep so that I can be really alert for the trek uptown. At least this will be a good hospital visit compared to the many others I have made that were not.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Winter is definitely in the air as the temperature continues to fall for what will lead into the coldest day of the season tomorrow. Today provided me with some interesting and fun observations. Of course I missed the early morning workout and was had to go to a midday session. In the process of walking there, there was a snow squall. As the large, white flakes made their way down to the ground, I passed a little girl who was trying to catch one of the winter treats on her tongue. I couldn't help but smile. Literally ten minutes earlier as I made my way down the porch steps, I did the exact same thing! What can I say, I'm still a kid at heart. The workout proved challenging again today but I did well and am noticing that my recovery time between exercises has improved dramatically. While IcyHot therapy is becoming my new best friend, I find myself running sprints more often and no longer hate the spin bikes. I still have a long way to go to achieve my goal weight but it's good to know that in the brief few months of working out a little progress has been made. It did feel colder on the walk back home but I still managed to go to the market to pick up some fresh veggies. After a great hot shower (i'm falling in love with being able to take a quiet, hot shower in the middle of the afternoon), Lor and I ended up talking for over two hours. Our friendship has become so strong that I can call her my sister as she often refers to me. She doesn't realize just how powerful she really is. She will one day.

Good news came back in the form of a response to my inquiry email. The Foundation will work with me towards my thesis idea. I was nervous that they might possibly say no and that I would have to try plan B with a different organization. I need to really get specific and craft my outline well. I'm still terrified of the thesis project but excited at the same time. I can do this! This evening's class is really exciting so now I am even more focused to come up with the money needed to do the trip component. I don't want to have to drop this class for the other one which sounds boring compared to Hamilton's syllabus. Where there is a will there is a way. I have to come up with something quickly. I may just continue on my radical streak and just throw caution to the wind and finish out what little I have left in savings to take this class. Let's see what happens in the next four days...by then I have to have make a decision. On the way home, there was a woman with pink hair sitting across from me. It was actually pretty cool. I wonder what I would look like with some radical haircolor or even more dramatic cut. Maybe i'll experiment more during the summer.

Lots to do tomorrow in terms of schoolwork and job searches. Lor says April is when I will land something. Let's hope so...I only have enough funding to live until June. After that it could mean some very tough choices. Let's see how everything pans out. Anyway, I already know I won't fall asleep anytime soon so I can get a jump start on homework now. I never did get to discuss the State of the Union address. I'll do that hopefully tomorrow while it's still fresh in my brain.

State of the Union

Quite an interesting day so far now that I'm catching about an hour of quiet time. This morning I woke up from a dream involving me discussing last night's State of the Union address with Barak Obama. I was agreeing with his assessment of the health care proposal by George W. We both agree that without benefit of having the total package carefully constructed, Bush's plan is yet another lame attempt to resolve the health care crisis in America. Without benefit of understanding how to control costs and effectively deliver health care initiatives proportionally and fairly to all Americans, giving a tax break does nothing but further corrupt an already poorly constructed system. I think it was pretty cool having a dream where I was interacting with political leaders given the fact that I am not the most politically skilled debater. I was feeling really powerful and smart in this dream.

Anyway, I woke up late as usual so I had to go to the midday workout as opposed to early morning. I certain made up for yesterday's lackluster workout...so much so that I literally found myself really pushing myself hard. As I was walking home, I ran into my sister. She was on her way back home so I lucked out and got a ride which I really needed considering that I was slightly limping. Needless to say I bought Icy Hot for my right knee. No pain no gain right? A hot shower helped as well. When I get home tonight I have to type up my homework for Advanced Seminar. At least I worked on it yesterday evening and wrote out my notes so it should only take about an hour to put in memo form. I am really focused on staying on top of this so that I won't be as crazed towards the end of the semester. Anyway...better go and get in my last 20 minutes of relaxation. Some hot cocoa sounds good right about now. If I get a chance I'll revisit the post to talk about my take on the State of the Union address.

Decisions, Decisions

I am feeling still a bit anxious about writing my thesis however I also feel reassured that I can do this well. My advisor is very positive and receptive. His encouraging feedback will make the project interesting, insightful, and challenging. I still haven't decided which international course i'm going to take. I'll have to drop one of them by next week. Decisions, decisions. Right now i'm still feeling a bit sore from today's workout on the spin bikes. It wasn't one of my greatest workout days but at least I motivated myself to go. I'm going to try to go to early class tomorrow if I sleep well tonight. I do feel a sense of accomplishment. After three months of battling the evils of my former employer, my cable bill issue was finally resolved. A substantial credit has been issued to my account. It's about time. It's amazing how much people will try to get over on you if you let them. I refuse to allow that behavior anymore. I better get going...have to narrow down a topic and have a homework assignment to get done (already). When is spring break again? Ha ha. Just kidding.

Hammertime

Nothing marks an off-track day like waking up a half hour before the start of afternoon. It was really hot in here most of the night so I think that is playing a factor in me wanting to sleep more. I am grateful for the heat because I know a lot of people during winter don't have it but I must say it was extremely warm even with me having the window cracked slightly. I found myself thinking about my 30th birthday and the events of that day. Who would ever think I was contemplating hitting my boyfriend at the time with the lovely hammer I received as his gift to me? What a retarded gift! I know why I have been thinking about that. Not going to share but it explains a lot of my frustration with the men sometimes. Anyway, today markes the first day of class. Advanced Seminar kicks off the week. I'm nervous and excited to be beginning this final chapter of this program. I know I shouldn't worry because I'm a hard worker but I still worry. What can I say...I'm a girl. Anyway, I better get moving. Later.

Sunday in the Land of Make Believe and Music

My latest dream involves me being in this huge house. It was daylight and every room that I walked into was very sunny and bright. It felt as if though I lived there. I was in a bathroom and was rinsing a shirt out in the sink. I kept thinking I really have to use the bathroom or else my kidneys were going to burst. But instead of using the bathroom, I walked to another part of the house to check on the doorlocks. When I got to the second level I could see that the doors to an enormous deck was slightly cracked. The patio table was there but no umbrella. I sensed it was wintertime. I remember asking myself if I accidentally left the door open or if someone has broken in and is hiding inside. I felt panicked as to what to do. When I woke up I really had to go to the bathroom. It was just after 7am. Thinking about this dream, it reminds me of the other dream I had a couple of months ago where somebody was telling me to open the door to my space and I sensed danger. In that dream I called the police and each time I told the operator my address she repeated it back to me incorrectly and I was getting extremely nervous as I braced myself against the door. I can only hope that these types of dreams are just that...dreams. I never want to find myself the victim of some brutal crime...or any crime for that matter.

So far today has been a semi-productive day. I can see the sofa again after my week's worth of piling. it's a vicious cycle with me but at least I get it all straightened up in a timely manner. I think I subconsciously create the mess simply because I can. Controlled madness. Ha ha. I also watched the first of the two memory DVDs I bought while on the cruise. I am liking the Rhyming Peg system the most. With practice, I am sure my memory will improve on a number of things including names. I also set up my new MP3 player with my favorite albums and songs. I even ventured into the land of online technology since my purchase came with five free downloads. I successfully acquired the Geico song (Remind Me) in addition to J.T.'s SexyBack. What a hot song! Just listening to it made me feel sexy! I have a feeling my fitness progress is going to increase even more with my new player and songs. As the days get slightly longer, I will be walking more outside in my beloved cold weather. I still have change my bed and then after that i'll make lunch. This week I definitely have to mop the floors. That's the one task I hate the most but it will get done.

I can't believe winter break is over already! I'm nervous but excited that school is starting again. I hope this semester is fantastic! I still haven't figured out what to do for my thesis. I have some broad ideas but nothing too defined. I have to narrow it down quick so I have plenty of time to do a great job. I want to wrap up this semester with honors. I have to remind myself not to worry all the time. I better get going. The book isn't going to write itself now is it? I have a great screenplay idea too. Wouldn't it be great to one day have an Oscar nomination for Best Original Screenplay? I want that...and the win too! I'm going to do it one day...just wait and see. Nobody can write escapism better than one who is trying to escape right?