Randomness

Pretty quiet day for a Saturday. I remember only a small portion of this mornings dream. I was on an airplane with about four other passengers. The seats were the luxury type and swivelled 360 degrees. That's how I knew I was in NY about to leave. There was a panoramic view of the city skyline and the sun was in the process of setting. There was a gorgeous orange glow outside. That's all I remember. I didn't get out of bed until almost 1pm. I'm simply just dragging. Maybe i'm not getting enough sunlight...gotta get outside more for walks. I asked the guys to find a weekend walking partner for me. Jeff is working on it. In the meantime, I must have talked up Pedro. He dropped me an email the other day asking how PDR was going. I'm struggling with it but a great finished product will be done dammit! Even though i'm feeling a bit run down, I do feel like internally i'm building more confidence and productive power. I did run out to pick up my prescription and make a quick run to the market. Of course, for the second time in one week I ran into Andy. As he was approaching he had this look of fear, confusion, and downright patheticness (that's not even a word but I like it). I still find it sad that he feels the need to act like he doesn't know me. It's so juvenile. So we broke up because he had time management issues. I got over it. I actually said hello by name and kept moving. On the walk back from the market I had a spontaneous moment of outright, out loud laughter. I couldn't help but laugh at that situation. It truly is we women who have to be mature and rational even though most men paint us out to be the total opposite. Go figure. Maybe guys really do want women who bottle how they feel and who can actually communicate effectively. I don't know. Can't generalize. Tomorrow I will finish up with my organization process. After three years of being here, I actually hung my favorite pink mirror to the wall. I don't plan on being here too much longer but let's see what happens. More tomorrow.

I Am

So as luck would have it...I got an answer to something I questioned in a previous post. Actually, the answer came in the form of inaction. I wondered if O'Neil would repeat the same pattern as so many other guys I have met have done. He did. The real irony is that he wasn't even someone I was dating since he had no interest in me like that but he wouldn't even spare time to form a friendship. Why couldn't he just say outright that he didn't even want to be my friend? I have learned to accept rejection as a part of my life. I don't need to be sold a dream. What I have also learned is that one person's junk is another person's treasure.

No point in me going into detail but all I can say is that just because I am not working right now doesn't mean I have all the time in the world. It means waking up each day not knowing if I'm going to be homeless in the near future. It means going on countless rounds of interviews to sell myself to an employer. It means comprehending all of my assignments so that I can graduate soon. It means not having enough funding to do all of the things I want to do. It means knowing that student loan debt will take priority over the home I would like to own one day. It means not having decent medical coverage and playing russian roulete with my health.

What I refuse to do anymore is wait for people who can't decide if I'm "good enough" for them to spare any of their time to be my friend. I refuse to cover for these personalities under the guise "you're really busy". We all have our crosses to carry. What I do know for sure is that if something is important enough, one will make the time. I know i'm good enough for others to make some time and that's good for me. Just another step in my goal of creating the life I want to have. I decide who I want to be. I don't want to be a woman who waits on anyone to decide if I'm worth their time. I am.

Party of One

My mother said something to me the other day that triggered a whole lot of thoughts and feelings that under normal circumstances would have made me sad. She said that I am now the age she was when she had me. I thought about it for a while and instead of feeling sad, I actually felt optimistically happy. I can honestly say I never thought my life would be this way in my thirties. Actually I never anticipated alot that went down in my twenties either. But now that I am older, and hopefully wiser, I have learned that it is in experiencing some of the the unknown and unplanned moments that makes life actually worth living. I never thought that I would be alone at this age yet I am. I am finding that second wind to embrace my solitude. There are so many places that I want to travel and experience. Many of these adventures will be taken on a whim...when I feel like doing it. I can come and go whenever I feel like it...and that's good. While I suspect I will be a lifelong philanthropist, in being alone, I can be selfish and indulge in what I want to do. Not to say that if I was involved or had children I couldn't still be selfish however right now I don't have to worry about that. I feel that I am getting stronger. I'm learning how to harness my energy and express myself even more. Fear still creeps in but i'm learning how to squash it at an even faster pace than years before. I don't want to waste any more time. I threw out old pictures of old boyfriends and I've deleted old phone numbers and emails too. It was actually a very freeing feeling.

I also made a vow to myself. I'm done with pre-marital sex as well. I have found that casual sex doesn't work for me anymore. It makes me feel like i'm losing a part of my soul each time. It's not satisfying to me no matter how much I want someone to hold me, touch me, tell me i'm special at least for a few hours. It simply doesn't cut it for me. I guess many would call this a self imposed celibacy. I guess so. Does this mean I give up being sexy, confident, enigmatic, and engaging? Of course not. But what it does mean is that the next time the issue of sex comes up with a guy i'm dating, it just means that i'm not sleeping with him unless there's been an exchange of vows. If that never happens...so be it. Just means I have to channel that energy elsewhere. So my parents may never see me walk down the isle or they many never have any biological grandchildren. I use to think about it all the time. Now...maybe it's a passing thought once in a blue moon. I think that's good because it means i'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't have. Besides, why should I mourn something that I never had in the first place? I'm learning how to let go. I think i'm going to take part of my tax refund and use a small portion to take a weekend trip someplace. Of course being the responsible person that I am i'm going to pay my rent a couple of months out too. I'm starting to feel really good about my life and the decisions I am making.

Migraine City

Not feeling good today...terrible migraine had me up from 2a to about 5am. Excruciating pain. Two dreams I remember. This one started at the house. I walked downstairs and my mother was cutting a pattern for a dress. The fabric was light in color and had the detailing of the Christian fish symbol. She said she was making a dress and when I told her to try it on, she did. Only when she put it on it was a really pretty couture black floor length dress that had some of the prettiest bow detailing I had ever seen. Later I was walking down what looked like a highway road. it was dark, and very windy. Looked like a storm was coming in. Above I could see as well as hear airplanes. The planes were flying very low and tilted, sideways, some even upside down from the wind. I could see lightening in the distance, the direction we were headed. I don't know who the woman was. We stopped at what appeared to be a gas attendant booth where I proceeded to ask for directions. It seems we were headed to some type of concert. the guy in the booth was speaking really, really loud...practically yelling for no real reason. I remember asking him why he was talking so loud. Then I woke up.

The second dream involved me being in the car. I was with some guy and the vibe I felt was that it was someone I liked and who liked me. He kind of looked like Pedro. I think he was dropping the car off to me. I remember him asking me what type of Windows program and I said Vista and he laughed and said that wasn't right. I bantered back well that's why you're the computer expert. He was wearing a wood bead necklace similar to one I currently own. It felt as if though he was wearing it to let me know he liked me. I walked to the car to get something and instead ended up cleaning out mini junk from the back seat. I was a little annoyed that it was messy. There was a black plastic bag, crumpled paper towels, a picture of the two of us, the ice scraper, which I remember being wet. I put all the garbage in the bag and then I remember starting the car and driving away. I also remember thinking why am I driving away (like I wasn't supposed to be doing so). I turned a corner that looked like Rogers Avenue, then turned again on the next corner like I was headed back. That's all I remember.

I'm going back to bed now. My head is still hurting me. I hope it stops soon.

6:29pm. I'm feeling better now. Still have a slight headache but nothing compared to earlier this morning. That was excruciating! I'm sure I will feel even better once I eat dinner in about 20 minutes. I feel guilty for deciding not to go to class tonight but I don't think all the bright lights would be beneficial. Last night I read an excerpt from Suze Orman's new book targeted at woman and investing. Once concept she brought up is something I have heard time and time again. It's the notion of organized home means organized finances. She says that it is impossible to have the latter without the first. I'm a controlled piler. The sofa seems to be my spot for piling. No matter how many times I clear it, it comes back. I keep lying to myself saying that it's because I don't have storage space. The reality is I use the pile as a way to hold on to and control. It's my security blanket for everything around me that I can't control. I've noticed I pile more when I'm stressed out. My family stresses me out tremendously especially my parents. I've made a decision not to let them stress me out anymore. I started cleaning the piles tonight. By Sunday my space will be in order just like other aspects of my life that have been diligently put in order by my sacrifices.

Ash Wednesday

It's the official entry day into Lent. I thought long and hard as to what I will be giving up during the next 40 days before Easter. This year i'm going to be a little bit different. In addition to physically giving up something, I am also going to sacrifice something abstractly. I'm going to limit my t.v. viewing to two hours a day. I think on hour will go to Oprah and the other hour will be a combination of local news and world news/or Nightline. The other thing that I will give up is sending unnecessary electronic communication when a phone call can be made. In the latter, I do use the phone as much as possible over email, etc. However, this time those who reach out to me in this manner (that I talk to with regularity), will have to call me in order to reach me and vice versa. This will be hard since everyone basically substitutes email over voice contact. Both allowances will be difficult but hey...that's why we Catholics give up stuff for Lent. It is a reminder of the sacrifice Jesus made for us.

What's funny is that I am far from being a devout Catholic. I disagree with many of the church's teachings and practices like its stance on premarital sex, birth control, priests and marriage, and some other antiquated rules. I do still believe concepts like marriage before children, no to divorce, and the idea of heaven and hell and all actions that can put you into either place. I guess I still follow the no meat on Fridays and other stuff because of my upbringing in the Catholic school system. Every Lent we all gave something up and then were rewarded at Easter with a huge basket of candy and goodies. I think about Aunt Ernese alot during this time of year. Even though she never had children of her own, we as her nieces and nephews were her kids. She made sure I had an Easter basket every year. I miss her very much. She was one of two aunts in my entire family network that really listened to me when I spoke. I still go out each Easter and buy myself a basket. I'll be looking forward to some Peeps. Anyway, it doesn't look like i'll be able to get ashes but that's o.k. I better get moving so that I can come back and get a little reading done before class. Will revisit later.

A Woman's Worth

Since I don't even want to lift my arms right now, this will shape up to be a very brief entry. Just got back from working out and it was intense. Earlier on the way out I ran into Andy. I must say that every time I happen to run into him I can't help but smile and shake my head. Little boy in a man's body. It's a shame he let his family control his life. I know it's not very Christian of me but I don't even want to waste energy on saying hello. I know I am supposed to turn the other cheek however, his family is downright rude and mean to me and it is unnecessary. He could stop that but he doesn't. I just have to remain focused on what I am trying to accomplish in my life. It's funny how Jeff's selection of our workout music reflected all of the sentiments of how I am feeling right now. One of my favorites came up in the mix...Alicia Keys "A Woman's Worth." Definitely reminds me to remember my value and worth. I know I am worth a lot more than what I've been getting lately. I better hit the shower and get some work done. Will revisit later.

9:43pm...So another commentary paper down and one more h.w. assignment to go. Then I have to revisit PDR. I have to talk to my advisor. Not sure if I am taking the right approach. I also think I may have to conduct a survey but i'm not sure if there is time to craft, execute, and analyze data. Maybe. We'll see. Anyway, earlier today I got a chance to watch Oprah and as luck would have it the topic was about people who live in small spaces. That's me! It was interesting to hear how peaceful some of the people were who had these tini tiny spaces. I can relate. I feel at peace when I walk into my small space. The only difference between me and those on Oprah is that those folks owned their space. I am but still a mere renter. I hope not for too long. I will truly feel better once I own my first place. I don't know what the future holds for me but I pray that ownership will be in it. I better get on the last h.w. assignment so that is one less thing to do.

Keep Driving

For the last two days I have been dragging out of bed really, really late...like half the day is gone late. Guess it doesn't help that I don't go to sleep until like 3am. At least I did get one mini-paper almost done. I'll finish that tonight with my h.w. for seminar. Just not focused enough today. Sometimes I have so much on my mind that I think my head is going to explode. Working out helps me to de-stress a little bit but I still can't work in that fourth day. The cold weather is also aggravating my right knee to the point where it gets used every day. I would go get it checked out by a doctor (I have a feeling it's tendinitis) but I fear getting a medical bill that I simply cannot afford at this time. Many people I know don't realize just how much of an impact not having great medical insurance has had in my life. For some reason everyone seems to think I have tons of money stashed somewhere and lots of time to just sit around and do nothing. Simply not true. I did hear two great quotes the other day that I really like. I'll only share one today. "When you're going through hell...keep driving." I do love to drive.

On a more personal front, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about how it feels to be alone and the whole whoa is me thing but I do have a quick comment. I have to toot my own horn and say that I have been pretty brave these past few months in terms of expressing myself. I've been totally rejected by a guy I really like and have learned that at least this time around I was honest about my feelings. What the receiver does with the information is really his call. I've also learned that it's o.k. to be the person that I am and want to be. I am creating the person I want to be. I started out with a good foundation of a good heart and good intentions and have built a steady structure all along the way. Every time i'm feeling down on myself for being alone, I'm going to remind myself that it's o.k. and to keep building.

Year of the Golden Pig

Happy New Year to China! 2007 marks the Year of the Golden Pig. It has been reported that this occurs only once every 60 years or so. With the beginning of this extra special year, more babies will be born in the country in the same manner that occurred during the Year of the Dragon seven years ago. It must be interesting to live in a country where the government controls the amount of children you can have. In China, that magic number is one. Could you imagine what the U.S. would be like if the government penalized you for having more than one child? Very interesting concept. Anyway, the Year of the Golden Pig is said to be double luck and prosperity. I don't know the first thing about Chinese astrology but the prediction for this year sounds great! Who wouldn't want to have double happiness?!? According to the Chinese calender, I was born in the Year of the Ox. You knew that was coming! Ha ha. Those born in that year are said to be born leaders and inspire confidence in all who come in contact with us. Traditional also says we are demanding people. I wouldn't necessarily categorize myself as demanding but rather one who holds high expectations of others similar to the manner in which I am held. In any event, it will be interesting to see just how many babies will be conceived and born this year in China.

On a completely different note, in North Dakota, a new record was set. Over eight thousand people made snow angels simultaneously. How cool is that?!? Last Friday when I was walking to workout, I passed by a schoolyard that was literally like a blank canvas for snow angelas. I was so tempted but alas, the gate was locked. I'm confident we will get more snow before the season is over. I can't believe Lent is upon us this Wednesday. I haven't figured out what I will be giving up yet. I think this year I will make it an abstract abstinence. Maybe something like no negative thoughts and words or no emails unless it's school related or responding. Or maybe only one hour of tv a day. I have until Tuesday night to work it out. Sharon emailed to ask me when I'm coming back to Europe for a visit. I'm thinking that I may try to go at the end of May or June since I don't think I'll be able to save up enough to go to South Korea to visit Sungrim. I may have to save that trip for December. In the meantime, I have yet another round of career fairs and interviews coming up. I hope and pray that a good match will occur at least in this aspect of my life. I have some projects in addition to reading to get done so I better get going.