My Conversation with God

I woke up this morning somewhere in the 5am hour after having yet another weird dream. I was in a house standing in a stairwell that had all these shelves that were stacked with goods (similar to Costco warehousing). I remember opening a bag of almonds while secretly wishing for the popcorn on one of the shelves. In the next instance, I was in a car pressing my nose up against the window like what I use to do as a child. It was cold outside because I remember the windows being fogged up and their was snow on the ground. It was daytime. In the next instance, I was walking around the perimeter of a house...it felt like I was lost. As I made my way back to the front, I asked a man if he could give me a ride...to where I don't know. The man turned out to be Denzel Washington. He said he would if he could and then pointed to his car....which was literally covered in packed, wet mud...as if though it had been dipped in mud and was drip drying. He later went to sit in the driver's seat and a crowd of people started to gather. That's all I remember. Weird huh?

Once I shook off the dream, I started having a conversation with God about my life. I asked him if I am making the right decisions about my personal life. The response was yes. Those who want me in their lives will have me there. I also asked him if I will be living out on the street soon. The response was no...never...and that I will travel the world. There were many other questions that I received answers for before I went back to sleep an hour later. I think about how much I have learned...especially from Miriam. Every time I have these conversations with God I think about her. For it is she who taught me about the "hours of God" and many other nurturing, helpful insights about my lifepath. Who knows if I will ever make the Forbes list (personally I would never want my wealth published), but on some level I am already wealthy. The other day I was thinking I really need a hug and when I met up with Delsia, I got that hug! When I say to myself I need a really good laugh, God sends along something that really makes me laugh. I know he is looking out for me and I am happy that I can recognize that fact. And I know Scat is looking out for me as well. On night's when i'm coming home from class i'm constantly praying to make it back home going and coming because it's so isolated sometimes in the wintertime. If I disappeared tomorrow, I only know of maybe one person who would know that something is wrong. To date, I have made it home safely. I thank God every day for that fact. I've been enjoying my conversations with Him. There is so much more to learn about myself but from what I do know...I really like myself...and for that I am especially thankful. I have to go but will revisit later.

11:38pm...I got the best laugh today as I was walking to workout. As I crossed the street two black guys were crossing as well walking towards me. As they passed me one said to the other "she looks mad". I had to laugh because nothing could be further from the truth. I feel great today! It's funny how my brothers always say we women jump to assumptions and conclusions without facts but it is they who do so. When I got to the gym, Alex seemed happy that I showed up. He seems like a nice guy. Drew was there as well...he's funny. It was a good workout. I'm 90% packed for the trip. I can never understand why my suitcase always feels a bit heavy even though there isn't much in there. I'll think about what five items I will remove tomorrow. I better get some sleep. Still have laundry, dusting, and homework to do before I go.

Tragedy in the Bronx

This morning brought with it the best sunrise I have seen in a while. My room was bright as the orangy red sunlight filtered in in the 6am hour. Simply beautiful. It's hard to believe that with the gorgeous start the day can also be filled with gloom. I am very saddened to hear of that tragic fire in the Bronx that killed so many children. Any loss of life is tragic however it seems double intense when little ones are lost. I have the same feeling about this as I do with the many sick children I work with during the process. I still cry when I get a phone call or email that one of my kids has passed on. Heartbreaking. Unfathomable. Illogical. Logical. The news reports said that one of the mothers was literally throwing kids to safety. It is amazing what one can do when faced with such confusion and devastation. I pray for that family. On the broader scope, it does put into light just how hard living conditions can be in NYC. Dozens of people under one roof, inadequate heating environment, overloaded electrical outlets...one of which is suspected in the cause of that fire. Overcoming the housing adversities is not easy. NYC has always been for the rich. Nowso more than ever. I was born and raised here yet I do not believe my first home will be here due to affordability and what I am seeking in a home. For now I am several years out from home ownership however I know that when it happens, it will be one of the happiest days of my life.

Laughing at Myself

LOL. I was a little pissed off this morning around 8:20am. There was so much freaking noise outside! I was trying to fall back asleep to get in another 40 minutes of shut eye but all I could hear was car traffic, horns blowing, and what sounded like someone laying and smoothing out cement. Not once did I get up to look outside to see where the last noise was coming from. To my surprise, when I finally did get up and look out the window what did I see? Glorious snow! I was so surprised. It's the same feeling you get in grade school when you find out that school is canceled for the day because of an overnight snow storm. The latter sound I was hearing was shoveling! Ha ha. How the hell did I miss putting that sound together with snow??? In that moment I felt and still do feel happy....one..because there is snow on the ground. I love snow....second because now I had to laugh at myself for being so mad only an hour earlier. People are out there shoveling, cursing the snow's name and here I am cursing for all of the noise being created. Ha ha. I love it when I can laugh at myself. I didn't get to see the news last night and didn't think we would see snow here in the city today. I just looked out the window again and it has started snowing once more. Every time I see it I think about just how many snowflakes it takes to actually see it falling. I also think about the scientific fact that no two snowflakes are alike. I don't know how someone figured that out but I think it's pretty cool. Just like no two people are alike, so too...no two snowflakes are alike. I think in the near future I am going to learn how to ski. For the new focus will be on swimming lessons first. I have a feeling I am going to land that great job soon seeing how many things I want to accomplish in the future.

I see that there were winning tickets in last night's Mega Millions. I wonder what it must feel like to go to sleep with an average salary and wake up the next morning a millionaire. It must be a remarkable yet overwhelming feeling. I hope the winners invest wisely and make the right choices about their financial windfall. Right now they are rich...but hopefully they will become wealthy. When I become wealthy, very few will actually know that I have money. I guess you could say I will be one of the most inconspicuous wealthy women most have ever seen. It's funny now how some people think I have money when in fact I have very little of it currently. Most would never know that I find great cool designer items at outlet stores in the off season. I'll still roam the outlets looking for a great bargain. I'll still shop at Costco for a great deal. I'll still donate things anonymously just because it feels right. But before all that, I'll make sure to have a great accountant and financial planner in my corner (that in addition to me taking my own accounting and financial planning classes). While I don't have the book yet, I did read the excerpt from Suze Orman's new book "Women and Money". I have six of the eight marker characteristics she mentioned. I have to work on achieving all eight! I know I will be able to accomplish this once I am employed again. I better go. Yet again tons to do. Haven't heard from my group so i'm going to have to type out our h.w. and hope it is not a duplication. Sometimes I really hate these group projects but as long as I keep it professional and focus on the task at hand everything will work out fine. Will revisit later.

3/8/07...Didn't get a chance to revisit since I ended up doing the group h.w. for them. What can you do. Semester will be over soon enough!

The Artic Blast

Baby it's cold outside! Contrary to what everyone believes about me...while I do love the cold I also get cold. Hard to believe it's March and we have this frigid air to still deal with. Snow moves in tomorrow. I wish we would get a good drop of snow like last year's blizzard! Doesn't look like that's going to happen this year but you never know. Anyway, I had the craziest dreams this morning. Too many snippets to recall but in one of them I was moving. Could it be a premonition? Who knows. I better go so that I won't be late for my appointment. More later.

10:20 pm....I totally forgot to buy a couple of Mega Millions tickets...oh well...it wasn't meant to be in the cards for me to play this go around. I'm sure a few lucky people will hit tonight since the jackpot is a record breaking all time high amount. I wish the winners peace and happiness. Today turned out to be a pretty good day. After my appointment, I met up with Delsia. She was shopping for a party dress. It felt good to get out and do something non-school or searching for work related. I ended up having fun as well trying on clothes. I actually am down two dress sizes so that's pretty cool! I told Delsia I need to get down to her size so that I can double my wardrobe. Ha ha. She thinks I'm kidding...i'm not! I'm not cheap but i'm not a money waster either. I actually have pants that have holes in them that I still wear (but don't tell anybody). When I have the funding i'll replace a few things. Overall though I think I have a pretty decent wardrobe. I tend to like classic pieces that look good all the time. With interchangeable accessories even the old can look new. Delsia tried on some nice dresses. I think she should stay with bright colors and avoid black unless it's a really tailored, classic LBD. It felt good today not to do any schoolwork. I'm don't feel like reading anything or analyzing anything. While I want to turn in a great PDR, I also want it to all be done! Anyway, it's really cold outside but warm in here so that's good. I better get working on my outline. I have to submit that before Saturday. Hopefully I can finish it up tomorrow. I didn't sleep well last night since I kept waking up at odd hours but i'm sure i'll sleep well tonight. I'm going to try to get up for the really early workout...let's see what happens.

The Watch Charm Bracelet

I keep thinking about this watch charm bracelet I tried on in Fortunoff out in Westbury over the weekend. My mother was shopping for yet another gift her class will present to one of the faculty members so I had time to do what I love...look at pretty jewelery. Normally I don't even bother trying on anything as I enjoy just looking at the items in the display case. So many unique pieces. I haven't worn a watch in over five years. I already own a beautiful gold watch that was given to me one birthday many, many years ago. But there was something about this one watch that made me go back to the display counter and out of nowhere the salesrep asked if I would like to try it on. The watch itself has a quarter of a carat diamonds in the bezel and the body is a true charm bracelet that lends itself to many future charms. When I tried it on something in my brain said I have to get this watch! Of course I did not since it is way out of my budget...almost a thousand dollars. The interesting thing is I keep thinking about this piece. All day Sunday I thought about it. Today as I was walking back from workout it was snowing and I was thinking about it. I am thinking about it now. It's really weird. I feel attached to that piece of jewelry as if it is meant to be mine. If it is indeed meant to be, I am going to go back for that watch after graduation. If it becomes mine, I will buy one charm each year during Christmas that represents me. I have a feeling the watch will be waiting for me. Only time will tell.

Other than thinking about very pretty things, today was quiet. Still have h.w. to finish up for Wednesday's class. I'm really not feeling this group project but since i'm stuck with it I will do the best with what I've got! I am also looking forward to the white paper once we get back from the field trip. That should be a great project. It will be interesting to see who the professor selects for the two task masters. Anyway, I better go but i'll try to revisit later.

All Quiet on the Eastern Front

It was a typical eventful yet uneventful weekend. I did get some reading done in addition to analyzing some of the data Maria sent over. I didn't get to the h.w. from the other class so I'll have to spend about two hours on that tomorrow. Laundry done, downgraded services done, taxes done. It looks like it's shaping up to be a busy week. Two interviews scheduled, appt. with Carol at career services, and more info to gather from other sources, the bibliography and survey to do for the project. I did have a victory on Friday...I actually made it to workout for a fourth day. I've been trying to get in that fourth day for months but haven't been able to motivate myself enough. I'm going to try to repeat it again this week on top of the work and appts. since next week is the field study for the white paper. I've been thinking alot about this year's birthday even though it's many, many months away. I'm trying to decide what I will do and where I will travel. I'm going to make my birthday, Christmas, and New Year's an annual away event and celebrate me! Who knows...maybe one day I'll actually throw a birthday party on my birthday. I know I'll be the only guest in attendance but it would be fun to send myself an invitation and plan something really special and surprise myself as I always do. I'm starting to have fun just surprising myself. The other day Oprah had on this show about resilient people. As I listened to the guest stories and tragedies, it dawned on me that so far...I too am a resilient person.

Sometimes it's really hard to find the positive meaning in the worst of situations but I try. There's a lesson in everything. I was talking to Miriam last week about the whole O'Neil thing and I remember saying to her that maybe the reason we met up again under the same circumstances was because I had that lingering question for all those years. I now believe we located one another again so that I could finally get the answer...and I did. The connection is broken now but now I don't have to wonder anymore. I am happy that he is safe and doing well. I also feel free in the sense that the intense caring feelings I had for him over the past several months are now fading away. You can't build a friendship with someone who doesn't want one with you. I was so sure that fate had brought us together again because we are a complimentary pair i.e. his strengths are my weaknesses and my strengths are his weaknesses. I realize now that we were only meant to meet again for the answer.
Years ago, I would have been devastated by that rejection. Now, while it does sting a bit...I have learned how to successfully keep moving forward. The Andys and Derricks of the world taught me that valuable lesson. I do say what's on my mind and i'm not willing to settle for being on standby for anyone in my life. Even though to him I was "just some girl", he'll never know just how much I cared but then again it would not have mattered even if he did know. The man I met five years ago was different. He seemed to care more then. He listened then. Now...there's this coldness that seems to have settled. But then again, what do I know? I'm just some girl who basically has nothing really. Maybe when I run my own organization I too will become some different entity. I hope not but who knows what really happens in time. O.K. enough of me rambling...I better go...lots to do in the morning.