The Calm before the Storm

Only a few more hours before we will get a deluge of rain. I'm glad it's going to be a rainy day tomorrow. I kind of feel out of it. My head has been hurting me since early this afternoon. I took a nap around 4pm and that helped a bit. I actually feel like crying too. I was watching a particular episode of Sex and the City and found myself tearing up. Honestly, weekends depress me no matter what I do to cheer myself up. I guess part of it is due to the element of surprise. There's only but so many movies I can go to alone, only so many books to bury myself in, only but so many loads of laundry to do. No surprises unless I create them for the most part. I'm getting a bit bored. I even reminded my boytoy the other day that I won't have sex with him anymore because I'm looking for a true emotional connection. He wanted to see me. While I was tempted for some form of temporary gratification, I am holding true to my pledge to myself. Actually, I really want these feelings of loneliness that creep in from time to time to just go away. I should be celebrating being single but there are just those days where I can't feel the celebration inside. I must work harder to get rid of my internal negativity surrounding being alone (relationship/dating wise). I've been having true radical Ang thoughts like blowing my last two grand on a trip some place...anyplace but here. Then when I come back...sell everything I own (which isn't much) and get on a bus heading west. Crazy isn't it? Or is it? Maybe I should just curl myself up in a ball on my bed and just stay there. I feel calm in my space even though it's not a real apartment and I have assholes around me. I'm going to chalk all of these pains and emotions up to PMS. I'm almost done with my report so that's good. I'm going to spend all day Sunday finishing up draft 2 so that I can submit it to my advisor and wait for feedback for the final report. Getting the second (or in my mind final) out to him buys me time to work on the white paper draft due at the end of the week. Basically all day Mon to Wed will have to be devoted to research and write-up. Only a couple of weeks to go to the end thank goodness.

On the weekly goal front, I did indeed accomplish my goal of going to work out all five days this week and I did! I think until I am full time again, I will try to maintain that goal. We'll see. It's a bit tough since it puts a lot of pressure on the body depending on what we are doing each workout. I wish I had friends who live in the neighborhood to work out with or go walking with sometimes, especially on the weekends. I asked Brian if he could find a walking buddy for me. Let's see what that turns up. anyway, I better get cracking on explaining my recommendations on the report. Gotta go.

Bad Circumstances but Good Choices

What a good day in New York. It's overcast, cold, and rainy outside. I literally laid in bed for an hour just listening to the rain hitting the window and the street traffic driving over the wet pavement. It's been a slightly busy but good week. The weekly goal is to work out five times. Today will make day four. I also have been working at a better pace to finish my client report so that by next week I can work on final version and presentation. The feedback from my advisor was very positive. He said my work is very well done, thorough, professional and well written. Having the first draft done and the feedback takes a lot of the anxiety off of graduation. It certainly has been a challenging road. As for the other two classes, there is the white paper and yet another presentation. The goal is to knock them out of the park as well.

I keep thinking about Oprah's broadcast yesterday. In fact I watched it three times. At 4pm (but I missed the last half hour), at 7pm, and again at 1am. It was a show about Happiness. On the test put out by Dr. Holden, out of a high score of 35, I placed at 22. It got me thinking about what I need to do further to score higher on the happiness test. What I did take out of the show was a concept that I have been practicing for several years now. That concept is perspective. How you view the world determines how you will live in it. I choose to be an optimist and live by the laws of attraction. I didn't always do this but I learned how to do so. I related to one of the guests who had what Holden said were "bad circumstances but good choices." I think that is so me. I have made some damn good choices in my life even though the circumstances surrounding them were bad. I knew I needed to live on my own despite not having the emotional or financial support and I succeeded at accomplishing that goal. It was a good choice despite having to live college-style. I knew I needed to pursue this advanced degree despite again, not having the financial resources or support from my employer, and I yet again succeeded at accomplishing this goal. It was a good choice despite being fired. I totally fell in love with a man I hardly knew years ago and still don't and won't know and I basically put my heart out there. He rejected me. I succeeded in the fact that I was honest to myself and to him. It was a good choice despite having my heart broken. Yes, I have had bad circumstances but I have made good choices along the way. The choices came from within...from my heart. At the Landmark Forum I attended last September, the trainer gave said several phrases that really made me think about my life. One thing that stood out was that, "Life is meaningless and it's meaningless that it's meaningless" Yesterday's program made me think about that sentence. Life comes from within and we project it out to the world. Another guest spoke on the concept of success. He said, "Focus on significance rather than success. In doing so success will come." So true. I will attract a mate, I will attract more good friends in my life, and I will attract even more happiness...because that is what I am choosing to put out into the universe. I love that we all have a different perceptions and perspectives in life.

Racially Charged Comments

What can you say about Don Imus and his comment? How about stupid, stupid, stupid. He is so stupid to think that his comments about the Rutgers women would not be viewed as racially charged. "Nappy Haired Ho's" is what he called them. I wonder how he would like to be called "a pasty white cracker"? Watching the team press conference I was glad to hear the coach question what Americans think is a joke and what constitutes a problem in the bigger picture of life. Have we become so desensitized that we can be quick to forgive and forget when we are singled out solely based on our race? Has the dream died where we can be judged for the content of our character and not for the color of our skins? I believe Don Imus should indeed be fired. With over forty years of radio experience, he should have known better than to utter any racially disparaging words to the public. Joke or no joke...i'm certainly not laughing. I hate the fact that the first thing people want to say is that black people use the "N" word all the time and say negative racially charged words all the time. I don't think that's appropriate either regardless of the context. There can be no "reclaiming" of a negative word. Negative is negative no matter who's saying it. The sad reality is that Imus will more than likely keep his job. Just like previous radio and t.v. personalities, this too will pass. I wonder if anybody would let Obama get away with saying that Bush and his family are a "bunch of cowboy hat wearing ignorant hillbillies". What do you think?

Happy Easter

While I didn't have any Peeps, jelly beans, or bars of dark chocolate, I did have a chocolate covered Godiva strawberry as an Easter treat! Quiet day today but good. Never a dull moment on the technology front. Of course my cell phone is doing something funky and I can't dial out or see anything on the display screens. The phone has gone totally wacky. I'm forced to get it checked out tomorrow since it's definitely not good should there be an emergency and I need to dial 911. Other than that, the report is shaping up. Have to submit my draft tomorrow. I hope I am on the right track but my advisor will let me know. I've done some serious goal setting for this week which includes working out every day. It's do-able. Mind over matter right? I also found a workout buddy for one day on the weekends. I look forward to it. Oh...had another crazy dream this morning. The only part I remember is Sharon giving birth to a 70 pound baby! And the baby starting walking right away. Weird! I miss her. Can't wait until I can go back to Europe to visit. I'm hoping next month will be the time. If not, definitely by summertime. Kathy has been asking when I'm coming back too. It's good to have friends who want to see you. I am fortunate. I better go work some more on the report. I feel less pressure now that we have to submit the first draft. I have a feeling several re-writes are on the horizon but that's good! I've been feeling really empowered lately...more than usual. That's good. Even when I look in the mirror lately I find myself smiling more. Extra good. Until tomorrow.