Cry Me a River

It's been at least two weeks since my last post. I have to get back into the habit of getting to the site every day like I use to. It's been busy and on some days a little depressing the past two weeks. Let's start with me allowing yet another guy make me cry privately. The tears are from frustration and anger with myself for allowing someone to hurt me. I am now convinced that no man out there was designed for me. I always tell guys to never mistake my patience for weakness. I guess we as women need to be "bitches" in order for guys to find time to date. Just like the saying goes of nice guys finishing last...it also applies to nice girls. I cried so much this weekend that my head hurts as do my eyeballs. I held myself prisoner in my space this weekend. I will not do so after today.

There were some positive highlights this week. My supervisor on this temp assignment will talk to me further this week about the possibility of hiring me full time. The position has the possibility of being a great learning ground for me. However, certain elements would need to be removed. I did not bust my ass and sacrifice everything to be someones secretary (no offense to secretaries everywhere). You know what I mean. I'm not good with positions where creative thinking and inclusion in the process can't happen. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, I continue to seek full time employment that's a perfect fit for me as well as the organization. Also this week, I sat in on my very first Junior Advisory Board meeting for a group that helps sick children. There is so much pain in the world. I can only hope that my small amount of volunteer hours will help a little.

As for my ankle injury. I feel like it's healing but since I am now one of the 24 million uninsured Americans in the country, I can't go back for follow-up at the doctor's office for now. Even securing insurance as a freelancer has requirements. I must wait at least another month before I can qualify to participate for coverage. Oh well..the good news is that if I get hit by a bus or something, some hospital somewhere will have to take me. The bad news is getting treated would probably bankrupt me. One has to die an emotional death to avoid physical death. Crazy. I don't like the fact that on the other medical issue I have to literally wait until I get medical coverage in order to find out if I have early onset cancer or not. It's like playing Russian roulette with my life. I've been feeling like should this really be my fate at this point in my life I would not fight. I feel tired of being my own champion. Sometimes I wish I could really feel loved. I do to some degree from a handful of friends but I still feel a void. I'm not sure what to do now to fill it.

O.K. I better go. I'll cry a little more today, read a book, watch my Netflix movie and prepare for work tomorrow. I don't want to cry anymore so I'm going to make sure to get it all out of my system today. More tomorrow.