Flying without Wings

I'm actually feeling a bit down today but I'm trying my best not to let everything get to me. Been feeling really isolated the past few weeks no matter what I do. I know part of it has to do with talking with others who say they are alone however they have people in their lives to go home to. Whether its a spouse, parent, roommate, etc., everyone I know has someone waiting for them to come home. Yet I've been hearing lately from alot of friends that they feel alone. Sometimes I think to myself just how interesting that is and then I say why aren't they communicating with those around them about how they feel. I don't even have that option. I guess in a way I'm "fortunate" to be single as opposed to settling for unhappiness with a mate that doesn't take the time to really relate. Last night I literally thought about what would happen if I died on a Friday night. I wonder how long it would take for someone to realize I was dead. I think I would be one of those news stories about how nobody noticed a dead body until a foul smell began to emanate from my space. I really am trying to fight this fear of living my life alone however it feels like there will be nobody out there who will ever really take the time to get to know who I am and what I really think. I hate feeling this way. It's such a pessimistic point of view....totally against who I am and what I stand for. Nobody seems to have any time to get back to the basics. I looked in the mirror this morning and literally said to myself not to cry, suck it up and be strong. I guess I failed today. I couldn't help crying. I'm getting lost again and not sure what direction to go. Nobody around to help. Going to have to find the inner strength to continue on my self-guided path. I really wish I had a mate to help though these difficult times. Going to take a hot bath tonight. I always feel better after a long soak. I do feel positive a little. I bought a ticket to Dr. Dyer's lecture next month. One ticket. Usually I buy pairs but I have to continue to work on being strong to go it alone to everything. I'm not going to buy pairs of tickets to anything anymore. Ticket for one. Part of my brain says this is sad and pathetic. The other part of my brain says "good for you" don't wait on anyone because if you keep waiting you'll never see or do anything. City Center has $10 dollar tickets to performances. I'm going to buy a ticket to two performances. Originally I was going to send out email to everyone asking if someone wanted to go with me but I changed my mind. Got to motivate myself some more. Back to the Artist's Way. O.K. I better go. I think I feel better now that I've cried. Definitely going to get back to posting on a regular basis. I feel better when I do so. Oh...before I forget, I heard from NahYong. She has a little one who is 17 months old. She looks so different...older. I wonder if she finished her rotation. She says she's in Nevada now. Must write back to see what she's been into. O.K. more tomorrow.