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I'm feeling kind of out of it the last two days. Just down. Nothing physically wrong. Just didn't feel like getting out of my bed, going outside, socializing. Just tired of a lot of things. Feeling lost again. The funny thing is that I said to three people I am not feeling well and they proceeded to tell me all about their problems and ask for help on other stuff. Guess that really is my purpose in this lifetime...to be there for others but nobody to really be there for me. I hope next week will be better.

Sick

Not feeling well today.

The Alarm

I'm really tired so just a quick note...this morning...my alarm woke me up! I have not slept through the night without waking up at least once in a really, really, really long time. It was refreshing to get consecutive hours of sleep. I hope this is the beginning of many full nights of sleep! Today was a relatively good day. I went to work out. Feeling a bit sore in my left ankle. O.K. Going to lay in bed. Feel my eyes closing. Will follow up tomorrow.

Fantasically Fall

O.K. So for the first time in a long while, I am feeling a little bit cold! As I type this my fingertips are literally shriveling up from being a bit cold. There's a draft where i'm sitting. I love this cold weather and usually don't get cold but oh well...it happens. So, I was reading a really interesting article in the NY Times this morning about the racial disparity in NY Mortgage lending. Big surprise there...not! I say the biggest disparity out there so far is with FICO scores and discrimination. Your FICO score determines your entire life from where you work to if you will get promoted, where you rent, how much financing you can get. If individual races could be attached to FICO scores, we would see that many are being discriminated against before they even have a chance. I call it financial racism. Anyway, still fighting this headache but it's not nearly as bad as the onset Friday. That was simple terrible. I have one donation pickup and then the meeting tonight. It's going to be a busy week.

Oh...before I forget. I have to give two points to God on his sense of humor. On Saturday I was feeling a little down and before I went to sleep I said my usual prayers. I said an extra special one for him to send a really great mate into my life (and some additional criteria). So, fast forward to Sunday morning. I get a call from a guy from the recent past. One of the workaholics (I always seem to attract them don't I?). Why do these guys call just to talk about nothing? And then I get labeled as being a bitch and being mean for just calling it what it is. I always tell guys the truth and in the end they can't seem to handle it. Two points to the man upstairs for giving me a good laugh. Also, CBS Sunday Morning was all about health. Dr Gupta hosted. There was a good piece on depression as well as another good one on the benefits of laughter. I feel better today. O.K. back to some productive work. More maybe later.

It's Back

Can't sleep. Insomnia is back..again. At least my headache, for the most part, is gone. Been lying in bed for over an hour trying to fall back into la la land but apparently that's not happening. I did find myself crying though. Maybe I'm going through some form of depression or something. It's like a broken record but a lot of my sleepless nights and crying bouts does have to do with being single....primarily my fear of being sick and alone. For a few moments yesterday I had that recurring fear of dying and that nobody would know about it for a few days since most don't really check up on me to begin with...not even my immediate family. I could simply disappear and nobody would really know for a good while. It really scares me that nobody really cares about me. I really do feel weak for saying that. Then again, I am human. I feel like a mess for constantly thinking about those who couldn't even care less if I'm dead or alive. Why is it so easy for people, especially men, to write me off? When I ask for feedback they never seem to give it. Makes me feel really sad and hence...alone. Defective.

In an odd sort of way my energy spent towards volunteering helps me to not focus on well...me. At least in some small way by helping someone else I know that at least for a small fraction of time, somebody was cared for...respected as a human being. I know those around me say they care and I'm sure that on some level they do. But in terms of actually feeling cared about...that's a different story. I don't feel that from anyone really. I feel defective like an toy that initially one wants to play with but then one realizes that there's something better out there and throws me back in the discount pile. Internally, I feel like there are so many great facets to me that just aren't being explored by others. I do feel like a diamond in the rough. I never get a second chance while others expect many from me. The more I care about others, it feels as if though the less they care about me. I feel selfish for thinking about my feelings. Logically I know that caregivers are never the caregetters. But for me not to care would be a sin and against everything I believe in. Maybe I'm having a breakdown or something. I'm not sure if all women in my situation go through this feeling or if I'm the defective case. I think I'm going to stop keeping in touch with people except my volunteer initiatives after this week is over. Might be best for everyone...including me. Going to try and go back to sleep.