The Post Script

Can't really stay on but for a few minutes since I literally just got home, changed clothes, and am now downing a protein shake before headed out to workout. My arms are still slightly sore from Monday but i'm going anyway. I hope Drew joins class so that we can walk home together. It's sometimes so isolated around here especially in winter. As a woman I feel slightly on edge walking alone on dark streets later in the evening. Too many bad people in this world.

So...the post script, I guess you could say the final chapter in the O'Neil story is that I guess we were not meant to be associates, friends, anything beyond friends after all. He seems to think I'm accusing him of something when in reality, I needed answers to basic questions that he should have answered over a year ago. Thinking about this entire ordeal, he never really trusted me to begin with even though I did nothing wrong and was honest every step of the way on how I feel, how I think, and how work out my fears. You know how guys say that we women sometimes make them pay the price for what some other guy did in the past? Well, I feel like i'm paying the price for what some other woman did in his past. I'm not a stalker, know how to communicate and express myself, and I know when i'm being a complete ass and when I need to "check myself". I'm disappointed that he never really wanted to work on any type of relationship with me. I was just disposable at any time. Some guys can be just so, so cold. I really didn't expect that from him. Guess you can say all the men I allow to enter into my life are that way. It would be great to meet men who actually value me as much as I value them. Oh well...what can I do except reflect on it and move forward. Sometimes I wish feelings were like turning on a lightbulb...with the simple flick of a switch you can turn it on and off. I really did truly love and care about him. In time the feelings will fade and I won't think about him so much. I would be lying if I said I would ever stop caring but I guess I would say I care in a different way now. I started listening to the music mantra Miriam gave me on attracting the right mate for me. I'm going to try to be positive. I still think there is no lid to my pot but i'm working to try to change my thoughts and hence...change my life. Better go workout.

The Day Continued

So obviously I didn't get back to the post I started earlier today. Been busy at work the last few weeks processing year end gifts and acknowledgments. I can't believe in two weeks I won't be there anymore. Time to move on. I hope I can pick up another assignment before then. It's unfortunate that the interim Director is such an asshole. The Assistant Director position would have been perfect for me but I can't work with him. He's a lazy, rude, jerk who just shows up to collect a paycheck but doesn't want to do any of the work. He acts like i'm just some secretary that doesn't have a brain. I laugh to myself every time he passes by the desk where I sit. I remind myself that I know for a fact that I know more than he does. LOL. Oh well...can't sweat it. Good things are destined to come my why when I'm suppose to receive it.

I went to workout yesterday. My arms and legs are slightly sore today. Did run for a bit on treadmill. I can't wait for the day that I complete a marathon! I'm still two to three years away from that but it will happen. The ankle injury still daunts me but i'll work through the pain and try to avoid injuring myself further. I'm feeling so much better physically, spiritually, and emotionally than the last few days. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. While I still don't have answers on the medical front yet, I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. As for the boy thing, well, there will probably never be answers on that front but at least I know I did what in my heart and mind felt right. No regrets the second time around. I have interviews lined up with two other agencies so that's good. I'm feeling extra productive and creative. O.K. while it's not late I still want to get in a cup of herbal tea and turn in early since I went to sleep late last night/early this morning. Oh...before I forget, I have to say thanks to the Big Guy upstairs! I was thinking the other day how much I needed a hug and in the span of two days I got three! LOL. Yesterday at the gym Jeff and Drew gave me a big warm hug and then today Lavele! Now if only I can hit the lottery for a HUGE amount! Hint hint God. LOL. II did have a dream while in Costa Rica that I was holding one of those overscale winner's checks and it had my name on it. The amount of the check was for one point one million dollars. Hey...you never know! More tomorrow.

p.s. 11:10pm...Didn't hear a word about it being Dr. King's actual birthday today on any tv coverage that I saw. That's crazy!

Remembering the Dream to Dream

It's Dr. King's birthday today. I will make it a point to take a five minute quiet break to reflect on all that he has done for me. Bit busy as usual at work. Will revisit this post in a few hours.

You Make the Call

O'Neil,
You are correct. I am going through some issues. Issues that all of us go through at different stages in our life. Nothing different from anybody else. Family and friend concerns and problems, medical uncertainty, career choices and decisions to be made, working towards personal dreams. Do as you feel fit. Sometimes you make me feel like I'm so easy to just write off and it's like you'll find some excuse to email to me. It feels like you want to live an entire friendship in email and I guess visiting me when I'm confined to going back to work. What do I know? Nothing...that's why I ask questions of you. You arbitrarily decided what you want to answer and what you don't. I haven't done that with you.

If you want to to discuss anything with me, I'll leave that to you to pick up the phone or talk to me in person. If you want me to call you then you let me know that also. Give me a time and a day. I'm not afraid of picking up a phone or telling you anything in person either including the emails from yesterday. We're both grown adults.

If you want to use all of this as the reason to no longer speak to me, then so be it. Friendship is not linear or logical sometimes. If this is what you needed to write me off like all the other women you told me about, then again...so be it. You can call me anything you want, I can't worry about it. Be well.
Angela

A Better Day and Snow is on the Way

I feel soooooooo much better today! I slept well. The cold has lifted and I can breath again. I've had time to recover from my mini-meltdown yesterday. My very own words on a postcard and some kind words from my friends helped to remind me that I am not a negative person. I was also reminded that we all have our days where everything seems overwhelming. Nothing wrong with that. Yes, I may soon be diagnosed with cancer. That's pretty real. Yes. Two friendships will be coming to an end at the close of the week. That's pretty real too. Yes. It's been overwhelming. We all have those moments. I will be fine. Whatever is meant to be will be.

Snow is on the way for tonight and into tomorrow. I can't wait! An opportunity to be a kid and forget about some of the adult decisions at least for a few moments while I make Snow Angelas. I won't kill the spirit I was born with and yes...I have always had the key to the cage.