What a Wonderful Saturday to be Depressed

It looks really nice outside. Looks like it's going to be a great weekend weather wise. I woke up crying this morning. Just did. No good reason why. Just feeling extra lonely this time. Happens from time to time. No matter how busy I keep myself it doesn't wipe out the void. I want to start taking Spanish lessons so I can be fluent by next year. I should start today on reading. That will distract me. I made a another decision this week also. I'm going to race in the 2009 NYC marathon. I figure if I start training now, that gives me well over a year and a half to get fit, mentally prepared, and something else to look forward to in my life. It has been on my goal list so why not start to work towards it.

I at least got up and got dressed today but am not motivated to go out and face the world alone today. I am still upset about the whole Kevin and even O'Neil thing. I wish I could just turn off caring like a light switch but I can't. Oh well. It's called the past because one also has to get past it. I think i'm doing that well but I have my days like today. Probably because really nice days like this make me think about what "could have been". I have to keep reminding myself not to live with could have, should have, would have. Why keep thinking about guys and people in general who consistantly treat me like a substitute. Not good enough for them but good enough on a case by case basis. None of these guys will ever know how much their action, or inaction, hurt me. But why do I even care??? They don't. I really shouldn't. There's that word again. It's interesting to me that that is all guys see in me. When I look in the mirror I see such goodness and beauty in myself. I feel more beautiful and calm now than I ever have in my whole life. I see me and like what I see. I can't explain it comprehensively in just plain words yet. Right now I can't seem to stop crying. Just one of those crying days I guess.

Maybe as the hours go by I will change my mind and attempt to face the world this afternoon in a more positive light. More later.

Hagee and Paisley

Photo Adventure

So just posted the first batch of pix from the trip. What an adventure just trying to do that. It's late. Will try to post during lunch tomorrow. Oh! Before I forget...i've been given the chance to write my first grant proposal for actual submission! Cool beans. It's due Friday. OMG. How exciting!

Am I Behind Again?!?

You bet your bippie I am! LOL. It's really difficult to keep up with this blog simply because I also enjoy putting a pen to paper. I know it's old school but there's something really special about leaving a paper trail and actually knowing that someone would recognize my actual handwriting. Nobody really knows what anybody's handwriting looks like anymore! Everything is email, voicemail, text messaging, etc. I guess I could be considered a dinosaur but I don't care since that's my thing! It was another uneventful weekend. Just did laundry at my mother's house and basically that was it. Weekends still depress me very much. I need to find more hobbies to occupy my time in addition to finding some weekend friends who want to hang out and do fun stuff. All of my friends are couples and while I'm pro relationship, it really sucks spending time with folks who seem to have forgotten that they too were singles once. It really is amazing that nobody knows anybody single once they are hooked up. Perhaps I should only associate myself with single people since those are the only people who know single people. Ha ha. Oh well what can you do.

So I started a new temp assignment this past Wed. Could be another long term gig. That's always good since I only had about one more month's worth of living expense in the bank. It sucks being back to paycheck to paycheck but I know that's only temporary for me also. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Hard to explain why but I just do. I am slightly worried about the next round of medical tests that I will eventually have to take. Medical expenses are what are basically keeping me broke. I hope to have medical/dental coverage soon. It really sucks that most insurance plans are tied to the traditional work model and if you are freelance you have to make alot to afford a really good plan. While I don't expect to be working for peanuts in the nonprofit world, I don't anticipate making my millions that way either. Maybe I should seek out the gay guy who wants a faux wife to make him look legitimate. Ha ha. Just kidding. One of my many flaws is that I can't pretend to love a man. I either do or I don't. I sent O'Neil an email telling him that trying to be his friend hurts me too much and that I'm not going to contact him anymore. It really does hurt me to know that I completely fell for a man who will never love me. I will keep hope and faith that one man's junk is another man's treasure. That guy is out there and will thank all the men who treated me like junk...for he will all of the treasures I possess. I'll still work at remaining positive even though to date things on that front have been so pessimistic.

Lor is in Germany right now. I hope she is safe and enjoying it. Ev told me last week that he and Rae are getting married this September. Good deal. I wonder what was the catalyst for the step forward again. Whatever it is I wish them luck. O.K. I'm going to try to post some pictures from the first three ports. Will try to blog about them also. Better go. More next time.