An Anniversary

It's hard to believe that four years ago today I was in the hospital having surgery. I can still remember checking into the hospital at 5:30am, filling out last minute paperwork, being wheeled into the surgical room, and then waking up right afterwards. Two friends came up to visit a few hours after surgery and then I was alone for the three days. Sometimes I wonder why it's so difficult for me to get through certain moments in life when I was able to get though such a stressful time four years ago virtually alone. I actually know the answer to my own question...because I want to so badly believe in the goodness of human beings. I'm still fighting to believe however lately I have been gradually losing faith. I'm going to have to pray even more and continue with my affirmations.

The O Experience

I had a collage of dreams last night/early this morning. Here's what I remember. First, I was lying in bed and there was a man kissing my ankle and leg. We were making out and it was fun. The next part of the dream cut to me walking in a construction zone where it appeared a new bridge was being built. It was as if though I was an investor going to check up on a project. As a group of us were waiting, I looked down and Oprah Winfrey was walking on the walkway below and coming over to join us. I waved as if I knew her and she waved back but looked slightly upset as if though she was having a bad day (not with us but something non-related to the project). Another part of the dream I was sitting at a table with my husband or boyfriend and we were eating dinner in a restaurant. Two black guys came over to our table and sat down across from us and started talking to me. I remember thinking how rude that was. I didn't respond and they got up and left. Weird. That's all I remember. It's interesting that alot of my dreams involve very wealthy businesspeople and that I am in partnership with them. I find it fascinating considering i'm basically going to be homeless by September if new work related opportunities don't come through. I think my brain is subconsciously telling me that I am going to be fine financially and that their will be love in my life at some point. I like that. O.K. better go. Haven't been to a noon workout in a long time since I was working. When I come back there are two opportunities in Bklyn that I want to go for. More later.

Can't Sleep

Does the title give it away or what? Not sleeping too well this morning. When I laid down to sleep I started crying...again just over frustration. While I am not the smartest bulb in the pack I also know I'm not the dimmest so eventually careerwise/income generating wise the tide will turn in my favor. Knowing that, however, still doesn't prevent me from being upset a bit now. Woke up at 2am with a massive headache....took Excedrin and now it's gone (did you like the commercial pun?) But now I have a stomach ache. Need to get some more sleep since I promised I'd show up for a drink to wish Rich and his partner good luck. They are moving out of state at the end of the week. I am sure they will do well in their new state. I don't feel like going but I will. I guess I need to loosen up and i'm sure the non-drinker in me will do so with a drink. The timing couldn't be more perfect. I know God has great plans for me. I can feel it. Not so much right now but deep down I know it. I have to remind myself not to let fear creep back into my life. It's very crippling when that occurs. I can't afford it and even if I could I don't want it back ruling my life. Everything happens the way it's suppose to happen. I better try and get a couple hours more sleep and staring at a bright white screen won't help that any. More later.

Another One Bites the Dust

So tomorrow is my last day on the latest assignment. Even though I know the rules of temping (day to day player), it still kind of feels like being fired when you are told when your last day is on site. The ironic thing about this particular site is that all of the work that I was doing was the castoff of what one full time employee kept neglecting to do. My supervisor expressed great satisfaction with my work and is billing it as a strategic move to conserve money. That's fine...its the rule of business. What I do find interesting is that most managers fail to question negligible hires (like the lazy full timer). I have a feeling they are going to let her go so and then call me with a job offer. You never know. When I got on the train to head home, tears of frustration welled up. I held it together until I got home though. I like temping. Sense of newness. Entire streams of learning to be done. The downside is never knowing when your "time is up" and actually witnessing people who manage to keep full time jobs despite the fact that all of their coworkers know they simply shouldn't be in the job. I know I will find another placement or full time position (the right fit) soon. In the meantime, keep myself busy. Just bought a brand new monthly metrocard last week. Use it or lose it. I am a bit sad also that nobody bothered to call or check up on me to give me a pep talk or something. I only have next months expenses in the bank and then I'm literally up shits creek. Had this assignment lasted through the end of summer I would have been in a better condition. There's that word again...would have. Better get back to affirmations. Pick myself up. I even tried picking a fight with someone in email. No response. That's depressing when nobody cares. So far I still care. I'm starting to feel a bit sad again. Better say my prayers and go lay in my bed and relax. More tomorrow...after that I'll have more time on my hands.

My Confession

Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been several days, maybe a week, since my last blogfession. I have no excuse for not posting other than the mere fact that I simply didn't feel like doing so. Been a little busy with the volunteer role where I am now playing dual roles on Executive Committee (secretary and treasurer) while also serving as chair on the Development committee. The next meeting should be insightful. It will be interesting to see if anyone volunteers for the Secretary role. I doubt it but we'll see. I don't mind doing it. The only aspect I hate is actually taking the minutes at the meetings. That requires me to pay attention all the time even when someone is long winded and boring (talking just to hear themselves talk). Usually when someone does that, they manage to say something worthwhile towards the end that needed recording. LOL. Go figure. Again, only time will tell what happens.

Didn't do much as usual on the weekends. I'm still struggling in terms of getting in the longer workouts on one of the two days. The struggling is not physical but rather emotionally. Weekend still trigger this self-imposed mini-depression where I don't want to do much except vegetate. This only occurs when I go over to the house to do my laundry (which is just about every weekend now). Oh...it's getting late. Better go. will pick up with this post in a little bit.