Standing My Ground

Another Saturday at home. I had a good cry today and feel much better. It was a tough week both personally as well as professionally. I'll start with work first since it only merits a sentence or two. I hate it when you work with managers who like to point fingers and ask questions yet don't wait for an answer. I found myself reminding myself that I must continue to think long term and focus on my goals and dreams. To learn what I can here and then keep it moving to the next place. I am a month away from accomplishing another goal.

On the personal side, I finally snapped and didn't hold back with my words when Andy's family confronted me yet again under the guise of building repairs. They are still holding on to the past regarding me breaking up with him. This time instead of not trying to hurt their feelings I actually let it rip and I feel SO MUCH BETTER! My opening line when the mom started off with her nonsense was, " You people are really starting to piss me off now!" I let them know that over the years i've been nothing but respectful and courteous despite being disrespected time and time again by all of them and now i've had enough. Grow the hell up! All of these little children in grown folks bodies. Perhaps because I continue to evolve and become even more present, I find myself protecting this special space from anyone who tries to invade and stain it. After this mornings stand, I feel good that I continue to stand up for myself. I'm proud that I still know how to express my voice even when nobody is around to hear it.

Many of my friends don't realize that we probably won't ever speak again. In September I didn't send out one email and I blocked everyone's address. Nobody mentioned anything meaning they didn't send any emails to me and nobody called either. It's like having been away like the entire month of April only I wasn't away. I am no longer going to take the initiative to "stay in touch" with those who never can make the time for face to face interaction or phone calls, heck...or even sending out email for that matter. It's kind of ironic that I got a call from Evan yesterday and he said he's now doing some volunteer work because of me. It's nice to hear that some action I have taken has affected somebody positively.

This week will be busy and interesting. I'll at least get to see Miriam at week's end to go to the show and dinner. She's the only friend that actually gives me a hug. A real hug. I don't get many hugs from anyone so it's always nice to know that somebody like her shares of herself.

I better go. I feel like crying a bit more.

Circle of Life

I am exhausted! Long day thanks to uncoordinated managers. I even missed my own board meeting and we had a full agenda tonight! I cannot lie and say that I wasn't pissed off for the majority of the day because of the work today. What can you do?!? I'll tell you what I did...I took time out to do something for me! I went to the box office and bought my ticket for one to see The Lion King. I know at least three hours of my birthday will be great because I will be seeing a show that I have wanted to see for the last ten years! First time ever that I spent full price on an ORCHESTRA seat! I really splurged with a price tag of $131.25. I don't mind. I am determined to make it special. While no surprises (unless I create it), still special. Maybe I'll wrap my ticket in a gift box and "pretend" it's a gift and open it on the morning of my birthday. Hey...that's a fab idea!

I'm sleepy. Took a great hot shower not too long ago so I'm going to curl up in my bed, watch the news, and go to sleep...all in that order. Tomorrow I may have time in the morning to comment on news including all of these racial attacks on blacks because Obama won. Race will always be an issue in the country! Oh man. Not good. More tomorrow. Goodnight.

Birthdays in the Circle of Life

Yesterday was Miriam's birthday! While we didn't get to connect by phone, she did send word that she got my ecard and that she had a full day ahead which is great. It's always good to hear when friends have a great birthday planned or even unplanned spontaneous goodness on that day. I guess you could say I live vicariously through their day of birth since mine usually goes uneventful unless I plan it out for myself. I still have this fantasy in my head that some great love of my life or somebody would gather tons of people to celebrate in a festive party extravaganza on Christmas Eve to eat, drink, and be merry. A girl can dream right?

For now, I continue to live vicariously through others to a point. I'm actually enjoying doing so. It reminds me that I am special and I honor myself for being born even if nobody else remembers or cares. Miriam was the only one who invited me out to spend time with her and the family. I appreciate the invitation. I told her I won't be able to make it since I am going to finally see The Lion King and I think it would be fun to do so on my actual birthday...my 35th year of life. Kind of symbolic I guess...reminding myself where I fit into the circle of life. I will also stop by an get a decadent chocolate something or another at Jacques Torres place. That should be nice. So, while I'll still be by myself, I know that I'm still alive and grateful for the gift of life.

December 8th is fast approaching. I'm in the homestretch with reaching my self-imposed goal. Tell you what it is then. I better go...time's a tickin!