Unwritten

I woke up this morning knowing I gave it all I got with my friendships. I'm now down to two. It's been a very deep, thought provoking couple of months for me. In fact, I would have to say that pretty much nobody really knows what's on my mind except for me. I've been so scheduled by many that I have found that I'm angry alot when I think about it. While I do understand that many have tons of things going on in their lives, it really bothers me that with the exception of one or two, I have to be put on a calendar weeks, if not months out for events like meeting up for coffee or catching a move. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Since when did life get so complicated that we can't even spend time together spontaneously anymore? I know many would say the usual, "kids, wife, life, work, etc." however it's really just an excuse. The only caveat is distance and health. Obviously if one lives in another state or physically can't be in the same time and space that's different in my opinion. Then people get mean with me when I express how I actually feel. Instead of listening they tell me to go and find other stuff to do. Never has there been an option of an invitation to meet up the next day or a long conversation on the phone. No, it's always go spend more time by yourself Angela. I love spending time with myself. I just didn't know that I'm supposed to spend an entire lifetime on this planet not really interacting with anyone but rather just doing surface smalltalk. Who knew?

A couple of months ago I was told that if I needed help all I had to do is ask. I did ask. So many didn't listen. Didn't help. They didn't even realize that helping would not have cost them anything except a little bit of time...time to actually make me feel like they actually cared. That's free. It really does make me sad sometimes knowing that I'm limited to expressing feelings on a computer blog. A blog can't give me a hug when I really need one or reassuring words when a particular day is harder than the day before. Oh well. I better stop at that before I start complaining.

I don't want to waste time complaining. I don't wish to be angry anymore. I will no longer make anyone a priority when they only consider me an option. We are only here for a short time and then we are gone to the next place we are supposed to be. I feel that for each of us the journey is the most interesting part of the trip. Sometimes I feel like I've been here before and that I already know what is going to happen...but I don't know. Just a feeling. I told my parents that if they are alive and I die that they are not to even notify anyone I know until after I have been cremated, ashes scattered. They have been instructed to not even hold a funeral. They think I'm crazy. I'm not. I made the comment once that if many can't find any time to spend with someone in life, why be there in death? Don't waste the time. I still hold to that philosophy. I'm not saying all of this to frighten but rather just being realistic and responsible. Most take for granted that someone will really know what a close loved one would want out of life until their end. I do not have that so for right now I have to document such wishes on paper and legalize it. There currently isn't anyone to speak for me that knows. I think it's some type of miracle that I've survived so far. It's so easy to let days slip by without interacting with people. Never would I have thought that my existence would not mean anything really. When I die it will be as if I was never here. While I don't know when my time will be up, at present many would not know if I were gone. I gotta get over that. Guess that is currently what is meant to be. And so it goes.

I'm rambling again. I better get going. Go out and get some sunshine while it lasts. Maybe I'll treat myself to a movie. Not sure what's playing but I'm sure I can find something. Can't believe next week is Independence Day. I think I'll spend the weekend writing.

Michael Jackson

I'm stunned. I think over the last four hours I have gone from stunned to sad to stunned some more. Surreal. I cannot believe that Michael Jackson has passed away. I literally started crying when Jermaine made the brief press conference a few moments ago. My heart is heavy. While alot made fun of Michael Jackson, I viewed him as highly creative, interesting, and resilient. It always does feel like those who are the most expressive and true to themselves leave this Earth way too soon. He phrased it very well...Gone Too Soon.