Freedom Day

I guess I should start out by saying thank you to the two anonymous readers out there who took time out to read and comment. I'll comment with the most recent in which the poster commented that most of my blog has a "victim" mentality. While I don't like to use the word victim in that capacity, I would have to agree in some small regard. To me, victim implies some form of tragedy (big or small) that has affected ones spirit...being. So in that regard, yes, I am a victim. From my perspective though, I am a victim of optimism. So many take friendship and time for granted. Many believe that with science and technology we live forever. I never forget that we all were born and we all will die. It's as simple as that. What we do in the middle of the process is up to a higher power and the decisions we choose to make while here on Earth.

I took the time to choose friends and dare I say actually work on it. Unfortunately, since friendship is a two way street, I have found that those who I allowed into my life appear to have not wanted me in there life. It's not a complaint, just a reality. I don't know about you but I'm a human being with feelings. I actually like spending some modicum of time with people. Real time....not drop me an artificial email every now and then because one is too lazy to find time. We have time until we don't. Did you know that I actually have an anniversary? Five years ago I spent three days in the hospital...alone. Had a pretty major surgery that may have to be repeated sometime in my lifetime. It's on my mind every day that some take for granted that Angela will be alive forever. I won't. Just like they won't. People knew but it fell on a holiday so there was no time for anyone to even pick up the phone and call to see how I was doing. Yes. My cell phone was on. It reminds me of my birthday just about every year. Almost everyone is too busy celebrating Christmas to acknowledge the day I came into this world. Is it lonely...absolutely. But the funny thing is, I've learned to deal with it and keep it moving. I don't need therapy. I need friends who can actually find time to work on friendship. I make the time, so I expect them to at least try. Very few actually do. So I disagree with you about new friends. For me, new friends will help if old ones don't wish to be in my life and me in theirs...if they are willing to do the work that is involved with any relationship. If not, then I keep on being. Don't get me wrong, I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I'm all for it for certain things. For me and my circumstance, this isn't a therapy moment. A therapy moment for me is dealing with another round of painful tests alone and not being sure if I am making the right decisions. Not having a feeling that I can trust anyone to actually listen....to care and make me feel like I am loved....warts and all. I can't get that warm and caring feeling from an email or ten minute phone call from someone who squeezed me in between their walk to the car on their way to hanging out with the boy or headed to the airport.

Which actually brings me to the first comment posted. I have done alot of soul searching. Yes, I did create this reality by allowing others to think it's ok to not spend any time with me. I always let them use the "busy" excuse and that I understand. While I do..I also believe that if something is important one will make the time. I have even when some things really were a sacrifice in time and money. Nothing is ever 50/50 however it starts to get very frustrating when one is always on the "short end of the stick". The reality that I am creating now is that I am always put to a high standard...I now require that the same standard that is applied to me I apply to others. So while I continue to evolve, others need to evolve also. While there are always areas of improvement for each of us, I do feel in my heart that I walk the walk and talk the talk. I am me and I feel beautiful being me. Do I get down, absolutely. But I also generate goodness for myself and share it with others. When I cry I feel better afterwards; when I am angry, I write; when I'm happy, I write; when I dance in the middle of my kitchenette/bedroom/living room I feel great, when I laugh that I did something totally silly, I feel wonderful. My blog is me. I'm real. So thank you for more deep thought. Believe me when I say I have thought about it many times. The right people will eventually make their way into my life. If they don't, then at least I know I was here.

I went with my mother yesterday to a new doctor visit. On one hand I'm a bit scared of what will come back. Nobody wants to hear the word recurrence. On the other hand I'm glad I was able to find a better doctor that where she was going as it give her a good chance of remaining well as well as gives me optimism that should I have to face the same circumstances I can indeed deal with it. Let's hope for the best. Won't know anything until next week or the week after.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was about seven months pregnant. I was having a conversation with my husband and he was asking me what I think the sex of the baby was going to be. My response was it's a girl. That's the second time I've had a dream like that. It's always interesting to me because for right now since as I have always said I'm dating challenged. And that reality is my once source of pessimism. I've been alone for a very long time. Pair that with family and friends who don't spend any significant time and that could be a recipe for disaster. Instead, I chose to speak up and say how I feel as well as continue to follow what interests me. I continue to roll with the punches and learn each step of the way. Will some of my dreams come true..only time will tell. While I don't have any shoulder to cry on I know that when I cry and am down it's a good thing because it makes me stronger and removes a bit more sadness so that more goodness can come in. I better get going...treating myself to a movie. It will be another quiet weekend but it's a good one to write. Have a great Freedom Day. More next week.