And Still I Rise

The Universe and Her Messages

2011-07-12T23:21:00.004-04:00

It's been a bit busy as usual for the past week. Still playing catchup with homework but it's coming together. I lucked out with class being cancelled due to the teacher being sick. I picked the right day to take a "mental health day". Ha ha. I stayed in my 72 degree climate controlled space all day and enjoyed it tremenously!

The big news for the last two days was the drama I call my family. So my sister basically totalled my mothers car early Monday morning. The story I've been told is that she took the car late Sunday night to go to a party, parked it, and then sometime later a police chase forced criminals to crash into my mother's car and two others on the block. Talk about more bad luck for Madame Deborah. The more enabling my parents do...the worse it gets. A $20,000 car,fully paid,that the insurance company will value at less than 5K. What a shame. I think the real tragedy was listening to my mother actually say that she will pay for cabs or take the bus if Madame Deborah doesn't come up with some money to replace the car. If?!? WTF! My response was what's with the "if". She lives rent free, her entire $60K income is disposable, and now she also gets to destroy your car? Foolishness. I don't want to hear about it anymore. I told her that they will just have to work it out. I've worked my so called sister out of the picture and that's where she'll stay for me...completely out of the picture. I'm ashamed that we are related by blood.

I've been feeling really good the last few weeks...especially after breaking up with the last boyfriend. I read a really good article titled "The Truth About Childless Women" and it made me feel really good about where I am right now in my life. Basically the writer was validating what I already know...there is nothing wrong with we women who are still childless and over the age of 35. It's not that we don't want kids and don't want to be married. It's about waiting for the right match to come along and if he (or she for ladies that float that way) doesn't come along then life goes on...happily. I use to call myself "dating challenged" but I liked her phrasing better...."circumstantially infertile". Like the writer, I too would love to have children and have a great love in my life. However, with that said, I should not be made to feel like I have to attach myself to just anyone simply because I'm over 35. I am not "less than" because I'm still single. The current circumstances have forced me to remain alone. So far I've encountered many self absorbed guys who don't want me. I do know the right guy is out there for me. And just in case he doesn't come around until i'm like 70...I'm still have a great life and will continue to do so. Had some crazy encounters with people from the past and i'm glad I did. Out of all of the failures I was able to really realize that even if they can't see it...I have high value.

I also have this innate feeling that I'm going to be meeting new and interesting people going forward and that my life will change dramatically in an even better way soon. Can't really explain why I have that feeling...just do. I better go...it's late (as usual). More later.

Life and Death

2011-07-05T22:32:00.000-04:00

Really tired tonight and just want to curl up in bed so i'm going to do that in a few minutes. Really good class. Have midterm to work on tomorrow. Another busy week. Felt like I was surrounded by death today. My aunt in Florida passed away this morning. She had been sick for several years but it's still sad to hear of her passing. Another aunt died last week suddenly of what appears to be a hear attack. Ironically she took my aunt who died this morning to the hospital and died the next morning in her sleep. I always think about death and how I would be remembered. So many thoughts about if I am memorable in life. I think I am but who really knows. I better go. My eyes are closing and I have yet to take my shower. I'll elaborate more tomorrow when I have a bit more time.

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T21:26:00.001-04:00

Usual quiet day at home on a holiday. I'm actually starting to enjoy these quiet days. I felt productive even though I didn't step foot outside. I wrote out my normal monthly budget, shredded unnecessary paper, bundled my paper recycling for this week, hung up the bookholders I bought late last week, vaccumed, and made dinner. I even booked a treat for myself. I made the executive decision to get a facial next week. Guess you could say it's my version of a staycation. Ha ha. I'm still thinking about where to go for the end of the year. I've been doing really well on the saving front but don't want to spend a fortune just because it's around Christmas. I don't mind spending my bday in NY but I really want to ring in the New Year someplace else. I'm thinking something involving a beach would be great. Maybe the DR or British VI? Will continue to research.

I've also been thinking even more that I will participate in the summer practicum in Poland next spring. I think it would be a wonderful experience for me and would give me a chance to explore even further my idea about living overseas for a year or two. Spain is calling. I was talking to Rosa the other day about my nomad type of life. We met up for iced coffee and sat at the Brooklyn promenade. I never really realized how "nomad" my life really is. I also am starting to fully realize that I do have a full, enriching life. I know my life is defined by the people and experiences I encounter and will never be measured by how much I have in my bank account (although inside I strongly feel that there will be great financial wealth in a good way in my near future). As for Spain, nothing really is tying me here to NY other than the fact that I was born here. I think the stars are lining up favorably for me. Only time will tell.

OK, I better go...it's getting late and I have really been liking this show called "Single Ladies" on VH1. More tomorrow after class.

Cruzin' for Christmas

2011-06-30T23:16:00.002-04:00

So for two days in a row, I have been asked by some guy if I'm married. What's with the marriage question? I actually don't mind being asked that question. It's the follow up question that tends to tick me off....that question being, "why aren't you married?" Are you kidding me?!? Am I supposed to answer that question? My response is usually either "nobody wants or needs me" or "I'm just not special enough to most of the guys I met so far". I don't say it to be dramatic, it's just my way of shutting the conversation down. I truly do believe I will be married to a wonderful man who will respect, love, and protect me as I him. In the meantime, I keep moving forward.

For the last two weeks I've really been thinking about many things but in particular...Christmas is on my mind. I am really starting to enjoy going away for the holidays since staying in NY is totally boring to me since many are not around. The real challenge is figuring out where to go. I think if I do cruise I want to also be gone for New Years Eve/Day. I was telling my classmate about my plans and I said that for my 40th birthday I'll think of something really big to do. She said why wait for 40. She has a point! Just before the travel plan conversation we were talking about feeling tired and she said I'm young, why am I tired. I asked her how old does she think I am. I totally LOVE her response...she said 27 with a serious face. That compliment really made me feel good. That's like the third time in recent months that people thought I was in my 20s. Way cool. I do like the age I am now but what woman wouldn't take a younger looking age compliment. LOL. Since most of my major holidays, birthdays, and generally every day is spent alone for the most part, why not do something big for this birthday, etc.? I'm going to make a decision by the end of July and just book whatever it is. How fun.

Class was really good tonight although the information is really complicated. I have so much review/reading to do but I like the subject matter. Interesting learning how to explain something at its root and then teach it. For me, there's something really exciting and refreshing about learning new ideas and concepts. I wish I had unlimited funds to learn everything I want to learn. Hopefully I'll have a long and healthy life to be able to continue learning.

Well..I've been talking about Christmas but first one must get through the next holiday...4th of July. Of course nobody is having nothing. Ha ha. Oh well. I feel good so even if I'm home reading or sitting in the park I'll be fine. I've been feeling really powerful for a couple of weeks now. No real explanation other than I feel good in my skin and feel good about me. Maybe it's age and extra wisdom that have a calming effect for me. Who really knows. I'm just going to roll with it. My goal by next year this time is to move to Spain and start the next chapter of my life. OK. I'm rambling now...plenty of thoughts...limited time. LOL. More tomorrow. Goodnight Ang.

Rock the Warehouse

2011-06-29T23:40:00.009-04:00

It's been forever since I last posted. So much has happened. Tonight is a quick post. It's late as always when I get the opportunity to post. Just got home not too long ago from The Food Bank NYC's "Rock the Warehouse". It's a volunteer appreciation event where we literally get to visit the warehouse where all the food ships out. Very cool. My friend Lori who also volunteers came also. I really had a great time and I even had the opportunity to rock like a lady after seeing the boy who broke my heart at the very same event! Small universe. They say that good and bad events travel in threes. He would be the third person from the past, who treated me badly, literally reached out to me in some way, shape, or form over the last three weeks. Why? Don't know. It's silly really. It's like being in some weird movie where I already know how the story is going to go before the other characters and I have to still act out the "assumed plot line" for their benefit. In this case the movie scene called for me being at the same event with the guy who broke my heart, stomped all over it, and then act like nothing happened. The funny thing is I felt good and went about my night not worrying about the situation. In the movies there is always drama. None to be had from me. I didn't just act the part of a lady. I am a lady...a good one with a kind heart. Funny thing was that every time I turned around...there he was...and his girlfriend. Yet he kept trying to do the small talk thing with me. Why would he want to know if I'm married? I'm sure after tonight he'll forget about me just as easily as he did two years ago. If we didn't run into each other at this event, he would not have thought about me for the next 60 years. He's already forgotten about me. LOL. God really does have a sense of humor...but I love God's humor. I've spent too many lines talking about him. He's not worth talking about (and neither are the other two people...girls by the way). Water under the bridge right? I hope they all continue to live their fabulous lives with great friendships within them.

Lor and I took this really cool picture together at the sweetbooths.com lounge. I'm going to put it up on my Happiness is Priceless wall of photos at work. I better get going. Busy day tomorrow

Memorial Day 2011

2011-05-30T14:14:00.002-04:00

Another boring holiday with nothing to do and no place to go. I still don't understand why those with great jobs, even greater homes and families, don't bother to have collective gatherings just once a year...just because. I guess you could say I'm somewhat in a not so great mood. Not in a bad mood but a bit disappointed. Rough week. Had to break up...AGAIN...with Kevin. It was bad enough that he underappreciated me four years ago. What makes this breakup worse is that after I completely moved on from him, he was the one who kept coming back asking for a second chance. He got one and decided to blow it yet again! I really don't know what else to say except that in his case, I'm disposable. Maybe I was just some type of competition for him. Maybe that was his goal all along...to see if he could get me to care again so that he could just be lazy and passive aggressive and then blame me for us not working again.

What can you do except keep moving forward right? Still sucks. I hope this isn't another summer of no special guy to spend time with. I love me...but I don't believe that I'm supposed to be alone anymore. I need Mr. Perfect for me to make himself known now. In the meantime, I'll continue to look for the better apartment and right path for me financially. Just feel a bit sad today. Tomorrow will be better right?

My Laugh out Loud Moment

2011-01-22T20:37:00.002-05:00

So of course just a few hours ago I posted about being totally bored out of my mind. In response, God gave me a laugh out loud moment about a half hour ago. Now that my ex, his illegal wife/girlfriend, their three year old child, and the my next door neighbor are all best friends forever, they seem to want to party on the third floor every weekend. What makes me laugh is that the witch next door thinks she's part of the family. As such she thinks she can be just as rude to me as they are. Some days I feel like telling her that the same hero she sees in the Super is the same guy I broke up with because he has to have his mother think for him. At first I found myself angry that they now are bringing foolishness up to the third floor. But then I found myself laughing because it reminds me how lucky I was, even at 30, to not get tangled up with stupid people. Seeing the supers family makes me really happy that no matter how messed up my family may be, they are messed up even more. LOL. How ironic.

For the most part, I've been a lady and have kept my distance from all the false talking they've been doing about me. However, with that said, I am sure one day I will expose the Supers little secret that he didn't tell them all. I hope I will get to move into my own, better space soon. In the meantime, I'll keep laughing and thanking God that I stand out from the crowd in a good way.

The High School Experience

2011-01-22T18:27:00.002-05:00

I went iceskating with Susan the other day and had a fantastic time while also being terrified of falling and breaking something! I had only been iceskating once before many moons ago so standing on ice on thin blades brought out excitement yet fear of getting hurt with no medical insurance. I went for it anyway! Susan is a really good skater and gave me some tips for being on the ice. I was at least able to maintain my balance which was a good start. I held on to the wall the first ten minutes or so but shortly afterwards, one of the skate guards ( I soon found out his name is Jesse) came by and encouraged me to not hold on to the wall. Slowly…and I do mean slowly, I was able to give up that crutch and ease my way towards the center on the rink. The skate guard kept popping up every so often to see how we were doing. Susan and I were trying to figure out if he was hitting on us or just being overly diligent with his job. As we continued to skate, talk, and have fun, Jesse skated by again to comment on our progress.
About five minutes after he skated away, another guy approached me and said he had a message for me. I was like “are you sure you have the right person?” and he said yes. He said one of the skate guards likes you and is asking for your phone number. LOL. I felt like I was having a high school experience. While I never had anyone like me in high school, I certainly felt like this was once of those moments you watch on all those high school shows where the guy is afraid to talk directly to the girl so he sends a representative with a message. Too cute! I sent back a message that I don’t give out my number however if he gives me his number I will call him. With that a few minutes later there was Jesse giving me his number. I did ask him some basic questions. He failed the one about kids…he has too many for such a young age. He’s 33 and has five kids. You know that means multiple baby mamas. What’s with these guys not practicing safe sex?!? I’m curious though about his story so I’ll call him on Sunday. Nothing to lose since he doesn’t have my number and my number doesn’t come up on caller ID. I’m going to put it out to the universe that I have more high school experiences and that soon out of that the right man will come through with the right message! In the meantime, I skate on knowing that the ice is not as thin as I thought and that I haven’t fallen on it yet. But if I do, I know I’ll be able to get up unharmed and keep moving forward.

Saturdays with Suze

2011-01-22T16:20:00.001-05:00

I’m so bored right now so it must be the weekend. I think I need to go back to The Artist Way approach and have my artist dates with myself be on the weekend since nobody else has time to call or spend with me (except for two people). Despite sheer boredom, I do feel good. Felt really productive especially the last two days. Wednesday I did my laundry which is always a major accomplishment considering I have to lug everything down three flights of stairs and three block to the laundromat. I hate that place. I can’t wait for the day when I live in my own space with all of the amenities that I want and need. Obviously being able to wash and dry my clothes without having to go outdoors is a huge plus! I know I equally hate laundry days just for the mere fact that I my lazy sister has access to everything for doing nothing. Oh well, can’t let that stop me from clean clothes and smelling Downy fresh. Life goes on and I certainly need clothes to wear in this life (well…sometimes…lol).

When I got back I pulled out more clothing from my closet for donation. I was watching Enough Already with Peter Walsh last week and he said there are two types of logic when it comes to the stuff. I fit the category of holding on to items “just in case I might need it”. While I’m not a hoarder by any means since I don’t have excess anything, I am guilty of hanging on to clothing. My logic was I need to hold on to this stuff because from a financial perspective it would be difficult to replace an item if necessary. The negative side to that logic is that clothes remain on the hanger, on the shelves, overflowing from a small space…unused and not necessary. If I’m not wearing it because it’s no longer my style or too big for my reduced waistline, that also means somebody else who really needs it isn’t wearing it either. Between Wed and Thurs I found some great items for Dress for Success, a program that helps women with their interview skills, confidence, and business attire for their interviews. Yesterday I hauled a huge bag of work attire, shoes, and pocketbooks to the DFS Office. The donation was greatly appreciated by the organization. I felt really good knowing that I am helping some other women in some small way. I felt really good on my train ride home. I even stopped by the supermarket and picked up some stuff. I love the market, hate carrying all that heavy stuff back but I did it! Took a great shower after I put everything away. I still have items for Goodwill. I will take them there next week. I already feel lighter now that some of the unnecessary stuff is gone. It’s amazing considering it wasn’t much at all. Tomorrow I will pack up books and check in to see if I can donate them someplace also. I hate throwing books in the garbage but if I must they will go into the recycling pile. If I was really tapping into my business side I would open up an Ebay account and sell some of this stuff. However, for me, I feel better donating these things. It just feels right to donate than to sell. In freely letting go, I find I’m more empowered to handle whatever comes my way each day.
I should be out someplace. It’s nice and cold out and I’ve been in heaven with all of the snowfall. I’m going to scout around now for what I will do for my date with myself next weekend. For tonight, it’s my usual date with Suze Orman. Hey…at least she’s pretty reliable and is always on time. LOL. Now if I could only get someone to cook dinner for me then it would be the ultimate date. Ha ha.

Breaking Eggs

2011-01-14T19:00:00.002-05:00

Had this really interesting dream early this morning. I was in a large hall that resembled Radio City Music Hall. There were all these people around but I also remember seeing a section of empty rows. I was onstage with several other people and standing over a huge, professional size mixing bowl. Dry goods and wet goods (i.e. flower, cocoa, oil) were in the bowl and someone kept putting in all the eggs...whole. I remember saying the batter can't have whole eggs, shell and all in it, and I started scooping out the whole eggs in the bowl and cracking them. At the same time, someone threw a baseball, and then a football, that landed in the empty row of chairs. I also remember thinking that I wish I was in that section so that I could have the baseball and football as if they were of value...like when you catch a baseball hit by a famous batter in an important game like the winning run at the world series or something. That's all I remember.

I looked up "dreaming about eggs" and it came back with some interesting interpretation. I will gravitate towards the posting that said to dream of eggs means life..something new, something good developing. I pray that is the case for this year and all the years to follow. I know I'm a good person and I want the goodness I feel inside to truly be reflected in the outside world. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking all that has happened in my life. In fact, I am very happy that with all the good, alot of bad occurred. Both continue to make me the person I want to continue to nurture. I pray that this year brings not only financial stability but exponential growth on that front. I believe this will come through something I create rather than a traditional path. I also pray for physical strength to increase also. I know this is the year my sense of lightness and healthiness will finally become recognized on the outside. As for my spiritual wellbeing, I feel at peace even with still so much turmoil around me. I believe this is stemming from the fact that I have done all that I can do to resolve and remain open to those who remain unaware of their actions and how those actions affects others. In other words, I've done my part to reach peace and can do no more...the other party has to be open to doing their part. If they are not, I continue to wish them peace...but they cannot remain in my active life.

I also pray, as always, that continued likeness and love will enter my life. Each day brings promise. I'll continue to do my part and hopefully in metaphorically cracking open an egg, reveal something fresh and new that in the end will nourish the mind, body, and soul.

SNOW DAY!!!

2010-12-27T09:46:00.004-05:00

Everybody knows how much I love when it snows! I am so freakin' excited right now I would have to say I am loving this day even more than I love hot chocolate! And guess what, the Gods are in my favor because I have hot cocoa in the house! Wha-who! LOL. I cannot express how happy I am to be here to witness the storm and snow considering I was supposed to still be in California. I was in the San Francisco area since Tuesday and was suppose to be on the red eye landing back in New York today! As I said, God intervened on so many levels during that trip and part of the helping hand had me change my flight that got me home early Sunday morning..two hours before the first snowflakes starting pelting the city. As with all of my adventures, the California one was also a very interesting couple of days. I'll discuss that in a separate post to follow.

Now back to the SNOW! About noon or so I will put on my full out winter gear and go for a quick walk around the block. Too cold to linger anywhere. I will also try to find a small plot of unshoveled land to make a SNOW ANGELA. LOL. Its a challenge here in Brooklyn to find spots that man (or dog) hasn't touched. I always laugh when it snows because as soon as there is any shovel worthy amounts...people are out there doing just that...shoveling. They don't even take in an hour or so to just enjoy the stillness, the beauty. All they see is work to be done. I get it but still...are some so out of tune that they no longer are aware of the power of God and our place in the universe? Ironically, looking out my window I saw the next door neighbor, Jessica, and her family come out with skis to head towards the park. I found it funny that at one point she was on her cell phone as another woman with a shopping cart was going by. The woman with the cart fell down and because she was unaware, Jessica didn't notice it. Her presence, even out in the snow, was not aware of her surroundings even though she was in it. How interesting it is to me that we choose our presence. I believe snow, like other forces, is sent sometimes to slow us down so that we can think more about life and how we want to live ours. I feel fortunate and blessed to be here so I'm going to take not just a little time but rather alot of time to enjoy the view....and then it will be time to PLAY! My digital camera fell and broke on of all days my birthday. At least it fell at the end of the night so I have some good pictures. I'll paint a picture in words for you when after I go out and get lost in the snow.

In Case of Emergency

2010-11-23T12:44:00.004-05:00

I'm upset right now so writing seems to be the only avenue I have. I dialed a few people but nobody was around. Voicemail. I know what it feels like to not have an "in case of emergency" person. How horrible a feeling to know that if something really bad happened to me, there's noobody immediate to call. I think about that often. I probably shouldn't. Like so many others, I'm but a small speck in this great big universe. We are here until we aren't right?

Going forward, I don't want anyone asking me anything about my immediate family. I don't have one. I'm on my own...as always. I'm not sure why over the years I allowed myself to believe that I am loved by any of them. I know for sure, I am not. I prefer that. It hurts less. I'm going to lay in my bed now. My head is starting to hurt and my throat is still sore. Antibiotics not working. Something is wrong. No more money to spend on getting well. Just need to get through Thanksgiving. First time ever people are coming over. Have a great menu planned. I'm looking forward to that. So few visit me. I think I'm going to book a one way ticket someplace and max out all my credit cards. That sounds good to me. The only question is where will I go?

When Bad Behavior is Rewarded

2010-10-25T23:39:00.005-04:00

I was physically attacked this afternoon by my so-called sister and I have filed a police report. What an embarrassing and sad thing it is to have to go and report someone who shares the same blood line as you. Her thuggish behavior and arrogance doesn't phase me anymore. How crazy is it that I have become indifferent on the subject of her. I'm actually embarrassed to tell people that I actually have a biological sister. Today she physically knocked me down, blocked me from leaving, flipped over a chair, knocked dishes down, and hit me in the head several times with some type of plastic thing (don't know what because my back was turned). As I was being attacked I called 911 twice and they didn't respond. Turns out my mother, who was there the whole time and got shoved and almost knocked over by the animal too, called to actually ask the police not to come. My own mother was so concerned about Debbie getting arrested and losing her job that she didn't care that I was physically being attacked! Wow. Is she so afraid of Debbie or so co-dependant that even me getting hurt doesn't matter. My mother actually begged me not to have her arrested if the police ask that. I had to go down to the precinct, wait three hours and deal with several very rude people there to file a report. I literally had to ask for the desk sergeant. I suppose had I stabbed and killed my sister they would have come out right away to lock me up. She's going to get arrested. She crossed the line time and time again with no consequences. Threatening and physically attacking me is enough. Now I have to waste more time dealing with my asshole of a sister when I have made it a point to not have anything to do with her.

That's what she was mad about btw. She was angry that while I was there visiting my mother, she came in, said some form of greeting, and I didn't respond. She then said "Oh, so now you aren't going to answer me and speak?" And I shook my head no. That's when she decided to jump in my face to force me to talk to her. I'm tired of dealing with her bullshit. She's eight years older than me so why can't she get it together??? She's enabled by my parents. She lives with my mother, doesn't pay any rent, utilities, nothing. My mother even does her laundry for her. Me on the other hand? I have paid rent for 15 years. I pay all of my bills on my own with the exception of the cable bill. I just got cable back two months ago after not having it for four years! I couldn't afford it. My mother said she would pay that bill for me. Next week I'm going to turn in the box thus rendering my cable ready tv useless and I won't have television. Small price to pay for peace of mind. Debbie's bad behavior is always rewarded. Her latest acquisition...using my mother's car to get to and from work. Debbie works for the MTA and gets free transportation expense. That's not good enough for her. She needs to style and profile in the car which, btw, she doesn't put gas into. Mommy's got to do that too.

This isn't the first time Debbie has attacked someone. Two months ago she attacked the same mother who still doesn't want her arrested. Last year she jumped on the hood of the car I was driving to try and block me from leaving. I should have run her over with the car so that we could all be done with this. I should have called the police then. Seems that when she is given a break to correct herself she instead chooses to get worse. I really do think I was adopted. I'll continue to pray that I can go on to the peaceful life I have tried to build for so long.

Angela Has Died

2010-10-23T20:01:00.003-04:00

Some days I wonder what my obituary would say if I died tomorrow. Alot of people think it's morbid to think about death yet alone talk about it but I guess for me, it's a little bit difficult not to think about it. When one is alone like me, it's hard not to think even more what impact, if any, I have in this lifetime. If I actually died tomorrow, I'm sorry to say that nobody would notice. It hurts my heart to know this as a fact but it is what it is. My current obituary would read:

Angela was born in Brooklyn, NY on December 24th. She had two birthday cakes in her entire lifetime. She spent her time here volunteering and anonymously helping strangers and that brought her joy in an otherwise lonely existence. She never married as no man thought she was worthy enough of his time. She never had children because she actually believed in and respected the sanctity of marriage and family. Aside from volunteering, travel brought her much joy and she did so as often as she could. Most of her travels were solo adventures. She is survived by an immediate family that never really knew her. She left whatever worldly possessions of value as well as a financial contribution to charity. She was 37 years old.

The obituary I would like (if you can indeed like one) would be something like:

Angela was born in Brooklyn NY on December 24th. From the day she entered this world, she was treasured by all she encountered. Her dynamic personality and engaging smile attracted all she met. She encountered several hardships throughout her lifetime and with each valley she still looked towards reaching the summit of the mountain. Her passion was compassion and she donated her time and money to many organizations that treated all they served with dignity and respect. She travelled extensively helping others not only here but overseas. Surprisingly she never thought she would get married since she was rejected by just about every man she met. Yet during her travels she met the one man who knew how special she really was a refused to let her get away. They were each others equal in every sense of the word. Together they built a rising enterprise professionally and personally they created a wonderful life filled with love, respect, and laughter. She leaves behind her devoted, loving husband of forty years and three children.

I guess I'll never know which of these obits will manifest since I won't be present to hear it. I still have a slight flicker of hope that the second scenario will happen but if the last 30 years of my life are any indication, then it's not looking too good. Strangely I feel good seeing these words in writing.

The Need to Know

2010-09-30T20:50:00.008-04:00

It's been awhile since I've commented on news and current events. I definitely do try to keep up with as much as one can but these days there's so much ground covered and through so many mediums, how much is too much? On a local level, the tragedy that took place at Rutgers U. campus could be a glaring commentary on how cruel and insensitive human beings can be as well as how poor judgement can literally lead to the loss of life. Many would look at this situation as a bunch of teens playing a practice joke that took a bad turn. I disagree. My perception is a case of teens who came from an environment where they either weren't taught well or weren't good learners when it came to compassion and dignity for others. They seemed to have run amuck in the wake of new found total Independence in a dorm environment and instead of just getting their education and taking time to make new friends, they decided to be bullies and use the web to publicly embarrass a young man who thought he could at least trust that his roommate would respect his privacy. I'm a bit anti-technology in the sense that when it is used for extremely bad behavior like in the Rutgers case, it makes me say to myself how much does one need to know? Why are some people so obsessed with trying to make themselves look good at the expense of others? Why do so many run to upload their photos in the hopes of getting it on the local news, why do some Tweet that they are now hanging out with other inconsequential people chewing bubble gum, why do some feel the need to know where others are in the Foursquare community as well as work towards the title of Mayor of Nowwhere? Why? Don't get me wrong, I'm not a technophobe. In fact, I embrace technology when it is used in innovative and appropriate ways...not when it is abused. A life is gone because a bunch of idiot teenagers still haven't learned how to treat a fellow human being. Tragic.
In politics, who can miss the show that Carl Paladino is putting on in his bid to become the next governor of New York. From calling Andrew Cuomo a man lacking stones to threatening a reporter mafia style, Paladino is, in my opinion, a loose canon. He will not succeed in his political bid this time around. Let's face it, no matter how one feels about his ideas he is failing to package them in a leadership role. Nobody wants a hothead in office who also has the power to affect millions. Also, his image isn't good. I know this is the totally politically incorrect thing to say but to me Paladino looks like he has done alot of shady things in his past. Of course I'm judging him based on looks alone and that's wrong but let's face it...he looks wrong! And the cheating allegations and the child born not to his wife...bad, bad, bad. It will be interesting to see how he conducts himself in a debate with Cuomo. With only a month to go we should be seeing one soon. Can't wait to see and hear it. On the national level, fabulous is the word that comes to mind when I read that Rohm Emmanuel may be leaving his White House position to pursue his dream to become the mayor of Chicago. I absolutely love the fact that he has not thrown his goal to the side even though to us it would seem that no job could be better than working with President Obama in the White House. His action reminds me to keep working towards my dreams and goals no matter how far I advance in other capacities.
On that note, I can't believe tomorrow starts October. I think I will go to the Halloween parade this year. I may even ask my mother to recreate the costume I wore in college. Not going to say what it was but it involves candy. LOL. OK. Better go, I have an interview in the morning. Wish me luck.

Coco Pebbles Boom Boom

2010-09-21T22:17:00.004-04:00

I've been journaling offline so it's becoming more difficult to keep up with online entries on a regular basis. Since I rarely go back and reread my own entries, I'm pretty sure my online presence is rarely missed. Note to self: If you ever read this entry again make sure to have a good laugh about feeling isolated today. You are never alone even by yourself. Anywho, I have found myself somewhat addicted to a show I never thought I would watch....RuPaul's DragU. The premise of the show is to inspire ordinary women to restore her inner diva. It got me to thinking about the persona of my inner diva. I named her Coco Pebbles Boom Boom otherwise known as Coco for short. Coco is to say the least...fierce! She is strong, smart, sexy...very much over the top, unique, and likes that very much. She certainly stands out in a crowd and everyone wants to be around her. OK...so the Dragulation meter is silly but in a sense it's also fun and creates a visual based on my perception of who I want to be. I encourage all women to have fun with this online tool. RuPaul's signature line, "You better work" really is a simple way to remind myself to keep working on me. I may not be where I thought I would be at this point but I certainly have come a long way and that's a good thing! Nowadays in my loneliness I have found that there is a strong person inside of me. Many will never really meet her because they don't have time. For me, I'm happy that I have made the time. I'm working it and will continue to do so going forward. Who knew that a silly little show could have some very powerful words to share that resonated with me? Now that's fierce!

I Rose Today

2010-08-28T12:20:00.006-04:00

Looks like its going to be a really nice weekend and next week is shaping up to be really good also. I need to find stuff to do to occupy my time. I have been catching up with summer reading and am now reading Elizabeth Gilbert's, Committed in addition to Rushkoffs, Life, Inc. Went to see Eat, Pray, Love last week with Rosa. I enjoyed the movie but loved the book more as always. Sometimes I wish I could do something similar to Gilbert in the sense of just getting away and exploring. In her case, she was already an established writer and had the capacity to fund her exploration. In my case, I would have to close out my barely there IRA account just to be able to fund maybe three months someplace on a highly conservative budget. Then again, I'm still considering doing just that. There isn't much here for me or at least it feels that way. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the few who have chosen to remain in my life. With that said, it still is a lonely life filled with pockets of welcome excitement and adventure, followed by extremely long periods of isolation. It's kind of ironic that in this century we are connected to more people than even by texting, phone, email, Skype, etc., yet we are all so disconnected from each other. I would be very surprised if on the final day of my life there will be one person who truly understands perhaps 80 percent of who I am. That percentage may be too high considering that I am alone 95 percent of the time. LOL. In all seriousness, I have been revisiting the idea of possibly moving to another country. I've been thinking about Spain alot. Not sure why. I still am in the very basic stages of learning Spanish and am not sure how I will advance with learning the language since I can no longer afford lessons. I will figure out a way to make it work.

Perhaps in my poor woman's version of it all I have been able to be a little bit like Gilbert in the sense that all of my big adventures represented something pretty major in my life. The very first trip to Alaska came on the heels of medical testing. I didn't want to regret not doing all of the things I wanted and needed to do in this lifetime. I guess you could say that's where I began to live a life of no regrets. I don't have time right now to continue since I am meeting my father for lunch. We are working on our book together...the book about the latest adventure we took two years ago. Will revisit this post later tonight.

Sunday...12:53pm....so I didn't get back to finish this post last night as I got in later than expected. Working on this project with my dad will be interesting and fun. We both have such unique perspectives about the trip so it will be really special combining thoughts into one (or even two) books. Like him, I too have to go back into the journal I kept during that voyage and read it. Truth be told, in all my journals, I have never gone back to reread anything in them. I may just start doing so after this process as it may help me even further. Anywho, as I was saying earlier about the trips, all came at important stages for me. After the Alaska trip, several years passed where I was landlocked and I had convinced myself that I couldn't go anywhere. I was stuck. Finally in 2005 I had an epiphany and realized that I shouldn't wait on others anymore to care about me...I care about me. I took the trip to London and visited family that summer. It was my first international flight alone. The following year, I was fired from a position that I had been in for four years. The reason...not work performance but rather because I wouldn't drop a class I needed to take to complete my graduate class the following semester. My "boss" in all of her 26 year old wisdom felt that letting me leave work :30 minutes early once a week for ten weeks was too much of a hardship so she said I should just pay for another semester of school. I went to my class and the next day they decided to fire me. That Christmas, I was cruising in the Caribbean and spent my birthday on the beach in the Cayman Islands. I always wanted to do that. Every time I look at the picture from that day I feel happy...and free. I graduated the following semester with a 3.7 GPA. Two years later that entire department was fired due to company downsizing. Sorry they all lost their jobs. For some, that's karma.

The last trip, the one I fondly refer to as "my biggest adventure....so far" was the 30 day adventure. It was an unexpected trip for me. My father had his passage already booked and now I had the time to go. I guess you can say timing is everything. The trip, in part, provided me the opportunity to reconnect with humanity. In meeting so many different people from all over the world (onboard and in port), being away from home reminded me that even if I am often made to feel like a reject here, I still have the capacity to be accepted elsewhere. I believe my next big adventure will have me moving from the United States. It's been pretty lonely here for me for the last 20 years. While location doesn't determine if people will be around, for me, I think it may make a difference. Besides, if fate rules that I may be by myself, I might as well continue to explore areas of the world while helping others along the way in any way that I can....a traveling nomad so to speak. I certainly wouldn't be missed here. Only time will tell. OK. better get going...have some research and reading to do.

Beach Bust

2010-08-09T23:28:00.002-04:00

I'm so annoyed right now. I planned to head to the beach tomorrow and now I can't go. From last week I asked my mother to use the car and 30minutes ago I get some bullshit phone call that my sister says something is wrong with the car and it has to go to the shop tomorrow. Yet again this is just some bullshit my sister came up with so that I can't use the car. It really upsets me since I borrow the car but only once or twice a year. She's so damn selfish and my mother (and father) let her get away with this shit. I'm sure my mother told her I needed the car to go to the beach so now that's why there is allegedly something wrong with the car. So the one day I need to use the car and that's the day something is wrong with it??? Yeah...right. Nothing is ever wrong with it when she needs to play big spender and roll her loser "friends" all around town while our mother funds her lifestyle.

I haven't gone to the beach in two years! I was really, really looking forward to going out, relaxing in the sand, taking in the sea air. I really feel like crying. What's worse is that Susan was going to go with me and I had to cancel this very outing two weeks before because I wasn't being give access to the car because of my sibling. My family is an embarassment. I think from now on I'm not going to talk about them anymore if people ask me. I'll just politely say I don't want to talk about them. They hurt my heart tremendously. Debbie this, Debbie that. I'm sick of her and her bullshit. She's selfish. I wish I had my own car, my own home, my own everything so that I didn't have to even ask anyone for anything. Trying to do the most simpliest of things and can't even get anywhere! I think I'm going to look around for a cheap plane ticket to someplace, anyplace and just go or if I can rent a car and plan a four day driving trip someplace even better.

It's Weekend Again

2010-08-06T23:08:00.002-04:00

It's late and I feel a bit guilty for not keeping up with my writing this week. Everything has been left in draft mode since Tuesday! Have been a bit busy so at least I have a good excuse. LOL. Will finish all posts in the morning. Not quite sure what I will do with myself this weekend. It's going to be so nice outside but I'm getting bored just hanging out by myself. Been talking to a few guys. Let's see if one or two will step up to the plate and ask me out on a weekend date. I really miss those. I refuse to give up on dating even though some of the men I've encountered would make me justified in doing so? Ha ha. The good takeaway so far....plenty of material to write about on the other blog and I am getting out more! I've been feeling pretty powerful for a good stretch here. That's good in the wake of feeling so powerless the past few months.

Next week I head to an info session in my bid to attempt the elusive half marathon (using a run/walk method) I wish to complete. I must be insane considering that I don't/won't have any financial support fundraising wise and I still have like 80lbs to lose. I've been thinking about it and if I can commit to the fundraising minimum (if it's not too high), I will try to get financial backing from the local community and some businesses. I know I can complete this goal! Let's see what comes of the info session.

I better go. More tomorrow.

Costco High

2010-08-03T20:08:00.005-04:00

It's been a couple of days since the last time I've had the opportunity to post. Finally had a chance to semi-stock my fridge and freezer. Alot of people may find this crazy but I actually feel happy when I go to Costco and shop for food! The last time I went shopping was in October since I didn't want to stock the fridge pending a possible move to a new apartment. I would have to say that I can really count my blessings since I can't remember a time when my fridge had ever been so empty. That means I have never been hungry or in danger of not having enough money to pay for groceries. I didn't realize how much I missed having some of my favorite things like almonds, fresh fruits and veggies, even toilet paper. LOL. It's amazing how I don't have much but what I do have is actually priceless. All of these perishables are stored in my teeny, tiny space and my meals are prepared in a kitchenette with non-existent counter space. Yet there is so much joy I feel in knowing that I have the ability to feed my body and feed my soul. I'm not a gourmet chef or anything but I really do enjoy cooking for myself as well as others. I wonder what my kitchen will look like when I actually move into a place with a real kitchen. I have a feeling it's going to be fabulous! My next trip to Costco probably won't be until about October or so but I'm already starting the new list. Can't hardly wait.

The Obama/Clinton Dream

2010-07-29T11:15:00.002-04:00

Don't really have time to complete this post but will revisit on Friday:

In a nutshell, I had another one of my celebrity dreams and this one had President Obama and Bill Clinton in it! What a great dream. Again, it was as if though I was friends with them and I was at one of their homes (I couldn't really say if it was the White House or not). I apparently was over for dinner and just wrapping up to leave but stopped by to say goodbye to a group of children as they were stirring chocolate cake batter. I remember having fun and laughing. As I left I also remember giving President Obama and Bill Clinton a friendly kiss on the cheek. How fantastic to be having all these dreams where in many cases I am friends with such interesting, intelligent, warm people and in their social circle!

OK I better run. Laundry waits for no woman! Ha ha. More tomorrow on the other celebrity dream I had this morning. No time now to write.

I Gotta Feeling...

2010-07-26T19:00:00.001-04:00

When I woke up this morning I had a feeling it was going to be a good day despite some of my mixed emotions about a few things. I went walking in the park (got in over 11,000 steps today), stopped in the library to pick up my latest round of books, walked home, took a really good cool midday shower (really love those), and then cried out the last bit of the sad emotions. I'm free now. It took three weeks to release the lingering sad feelings but now I can honestly say they are gone. In the words of the Black Eyed Peas...I gotta feeling. LOL. Everything is going to be ok. I can feel it...emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually. I haven't put all the pieces together yet on how it's all going to come together but I just feel it. It is coming together as I live and breathe. Something that I learned about myself that I failed to acknowledge all this time is that I love. Despite being rejected, hurt, humiliated, abandoned...I still love and am open to it knowing that I can get hurt again at any time. Love is messy but worth it. In making this discovery, I reminded myself that I love myself and others. My heart has not hardened like some I have met along my journey.

After I finished crying I looked in the mirror and did my affirmations. Tonight's gonna be a good, good night. I better get going. Have some reading to do and more posting on the other blog which I reserved for the dating stories. Got another interesting email from someone I met years ago. Crazy. The universe has a funny way of bringing everything full circle. I'm glad God helped me to learn to be more aware.

A Refreshingly Cool Break

2010-07-25T00:34:00.003-04:00

For the first time in over two years, I had a dinner guest on a Saturday night! Rosa came over and we had a simple yet good three course meal. On the menu was a red leaf lettuce salad with cucumber, tomato, and shredded carrot with Italian dressing. Entree of baked crab cakes and lemon pasta with basil. And for dessert...dulce de leche ice cream with fresh strawberries. Still working on perfecting the baked crab cakes (they didn't completely brown on top) but overall the flavor was good. I always try a new recipe with new guests. LOL. Risky but worth it. I enjoyed the company and hope that Rosa had a good time as well. She was really sweet and brought over a great bottle of red wine. It was so hot outside today so I was really happy that there haven't been any blackouts or brownouts and that the A/C is fully functioning. It's late so I better go to sleep. Glad that this Saturday wasn't the usual boring ones that have been a trend lately. I'm also really excited to have started the other blog. It makes me feel like I'm working towards generating more happiness. Something worth looking forward to in these tough days and weeks. I'm starting to focus more on my workouts. Can't let isolation be a deterrent to wellness. Just work though it. OK. More tomorrow (or should I say later today?).

The 7:30 Dream

2010-07-22T17:12:00.003-04:00

Had another dream this morning that I partially remember however it was very specific to time. I think I was in a school building someplace and I specifically recall talking to a female friend, who I don't know, but the feeling was it was a good friend. I remember saying that I can't be late and I have to be there at 7:30. As I was walking down the hall, someone passed me a book. While I don't fully remember the title, I do remember that Oprah's name was on the cover. I also remember feeling happy and saying that it was a book that I really wanted to read and was excited to just be receiving the book. I have alot of these Oprah dreams. Funny. Anywho, that's all I really remember about this particular dream. The time 7:30 was very important.

Yesterday I had a good talk with my friend Rosa. She was telling me about her dream that she had the day before and turns out my name was in that very dream. While we both aren't sure if she was referring to me or one of the other Angela's that she knows, she says she remembers asking herself in her dream if it was me. Her dream sounds as if though she was a maid/matron in a wedding party however she was in a part of a home where she was alone waiting. She then said a young woman dressed in a similar dress, which was pink with ruffled sleeves, came to get her and said something to the effect that, "Angela is ready and the limo is outside." Rosa's dream definitely was positive and I'm happy to hear that it appears a pending marriage was involved. I wonder if she was projecting her wedding which I know will come in the future. She can't see it but I can. Like me, as soon as we both clear some of the small hurtles life has thrown our way, the beautiful possibilities are endless! Seems both of us had time related yet positive dreams. Hope there are more good ones like that in the future.

The Coffee Meet

2010-07-21T00:32:00.003-04:00

So, I went out on one of those infamous meetups that I said I would not do anymore. The dreaded "coffee date". You know the "let's meet for coffee of something very nominal to see if we are compatible" dates. In this case I'll refer to this man as R43 to protect his identity for the pending new and more focused blog I'm about to start tomorrow (so this would be a preview).

I met R43 online through a major online dating service. We spoke by phone several times and based on what I heard, he came across like a decent guy. I had an appointment in the city so we coordinated to meet at a Starbucks on Park Ave South for coffee, tea, whatever. I have to say that I didn't feel nervous with this meetup. I arrived first. Since it was 1:30 and at the height of the lunch hour rush, the place was packed and of course, no seating. I decided to wait outside since there was less commotion and it would be easier to find one another. Turns out, we didn't need seating anyway. Upon R43's arrival, he became fascinated with the gourmet ice cream truck parked in front of the Starbucks and immediately decided that he was going to have ice cream instead. Normally I don't shy away from ice cream but today I was really craving and iced caramel something or another. In a polite fashion I asked if he wouldn't mind if I stuck to an iced coffee and that if he got ice cream we could both enjoy our concoctions in the neighboring park. He agreed. When we got into Starbucks and weeded through the fairly fast line, he didn't make any movement after I placed my order...again...a tall iced coffee. As we inched closer to the register, I realized that I would be on my own to pay for this beverage! My first thought was, "thank goodness my parents taught me to never leave home without any money!" My second thought was, "how tacky...this man won't even offer to pay for my $4.08 beverage....REALLY?!?" Have we now come to this day and age? REALLY? Am I wrong here or what? I feel that even if we both felt we many not necessarily be compatible, at least it would only be an under five dollar expense. Even my unemployed self can afford that!

So I reached into my Ralph Lauren wallet (that I bought at a high end clearance house five years ago) and paid for my iced coffee. He didn't even blink. Sad. When we got outside, he proceeded to order a strawberry and mint chip cup of ice cream (btw...$3.75) and we still ended up in the park sitting and talking for a bit. In reality, he talked alot about himself. Didn't really ask me much about well...me. I listened anyway. After about 30 minutes I proceeded to help him out by saying that, "I hope I haven't taken you too far past your lunch break." In other words, time to end this "date". As we proceeded to walk out you will never guess who walked past on the street. Aaron Neville! He was so kind when he noticed that I recognized him and proceeded to call him by name. He walked back, shook my hand as well as R43, and I told him thanks and I hope he has a great rest of the day! That celebrity encounter was a highlight to my day especially since I had another one of those celebrity dreams the other night (although I can't remember it I do remember there was a famous celebrity in it).

Anywho, R43 went back to work, I stopped in Walgreen's and bought a new bottle of nailpolish, came home and logged into my online dating account. Two more phone numbers were sent to me from the other guys who are inquiring about me. I'll call MM tomorrow. I don't know much...but I know to keep fishing.

p.s. Special thanks to RYA and Rainne for the ideas and encouragement! More tomorrow (or should I say today since it's 1am?) LOL.

Saturday Morning Post

2010-07-17T11:16:00.002-04:00

Looks like another hot but bright weekend is here. Wish I had better news to report like, "I'm going to hang out with friends or I have a date tonight." Alas...not in the cards this weekend. For the most part I have been sleeping better the past few nights. Albeit, I am falling asleep after 1pm, waking up at 6am, falling back asleep at 6:02am (you guessed it...bathroom break...ha ha), and then getting up at like 10am. So I can say I am getting in something like eight to nine hours of sleep. Unfortunately that's not consecutive hours. Getting sleep though.

I am doing battle with this latest round of feeling down. I had high hopes that the move would happen but it didn't. It made me feel like I was taking two steps forward only to be kicked back by three or four. Being discarded by employers or rather human resource people that don't even know me feels like that too. I still am not sure where God is going with all this for me but I hope its a better place spiritually, physically, and emotionally. There are so many ideas swirling inside of my head and I'm not sure how or if I can successfully bring any of them to life. I know I shouldn't worry about things like that. Trying is 95% of the battle in winning the war. Sometimes it's very difficult for my mind to grasp that since often times I feel unskilled at anything and feel I was born in the wrong place and time. I know that feeling is not true; that I am here for a reason, a purpose. I feel it's a great purpose...just hard to envision it through the often steps of failure, disappointment, and loneliness. I would have to say that the bright side to all of this is that if I were ever stranded alone on a desert island...I would in all likelihood survive, especially the long stretches where I don't hear any other human voice for days or even months. It's amazing how not having anyone to talk can hurt but also help.

With the exception of three boxes, I have unpacked all of the stuff I had packed up. Yesterday I also put back up all the wall hangings that I so carefully had taken down and wrapped up. While I hope that I can move into my own home soon, I will make the best of where I am now. I plan on working on my vision board today. Perhaps having it over my bed and seeing visuals to what I have written and posted on my fridge will help. If I can see it perhaps it will change my perspective back to where it use to be. OK. better get going.

Another wacky dream

2010-07-14T10:21:00.002-04:00

Woke up feeling a bit groggy. Lite headache and for some weird reason my left ankle is stiff and hurting also. Not sure why but took some aspirin a few minutes ago. This morning's dream was wacky. From what I remember, I was in a school environment. Felt like elementary school. In one part of the dream I was taking an exam that was comprised of crossword puzzles. The answer to #6 across was Thursday. I remember thinking the entire test booklet was very difficult...damn near impossible for me. At some point the teacher came in during the test and started handing out chocolate squares except with me she gave me guava squares. Seemed as if though it was something I liked. (in reality, I don't believe I've ever had the treat visualized in this dream...not sure it even exists in real life).

An earlier part of this dream had me evacuating the school as the fire alarm was going off. I think it was a drill rather than the real deal. That's all I remember about that section.

The very first part of the dream was the most memorable. There was someone in trouble. Kind of like a hostage situation and I was able to pick up on the fact from the victim by her wording that I should get help. As I notified others to clear the area, I remember telling others we need to call the police. Again, all this was taking place in a school.

That's all I remember from this wacky dream. Not sure how to interpret it but I'll mull it over. In the meantime, it's raining but I have to go to the store for groceries otherwise it's another meal of basically nothing since I literally have no food in my space....unless you count jello and half an onion.

Untitled

2010-07-11T12:41:00.003-04:00

I've been in bed most of the weekend. Just feels safe. Feeling down about now not being able to move. The homeowner simply can't get it together and all the delays and inconvenience are simply not worth me moving. I think they are having money issues. Who isn't? The ironic thing is that even though I don't have much financially, what I do have is in order. If I can just get my student loan paid off that would take so much more pressure off of me. If the balance didn't accrure any interest that would help during times of unemployment. Instead it feels like a penality for trying to advance. That's government for you. I wonder if I can get back some of my tax money that goes into public schools, road repair,etc. I don't have kids and I don't drive on the roads...why should I have to pay for it? Just a thought. Ha ha.

Its getting harder and harder to think positive the last few weeks. It's not for lack of trying on my part. Just feels like I can't catch a break. It would help to have friends to talk to but I'm lucky if I hear from anyone. Last week Richard and Kyer were kind and invited me to Coney Island with them. That was nice. We saw the hot dog eating contest, had a dog ourselves, and then took in the hot sun on the sand. I'm extra crispy as I got really sunburned but it was nice to get out and talk with people. I think that's what I miss the most...talking to people who have an interest in sharing as well as listening to me...really listening to me. For the most part I usually only speak about a hundred words on any given day. There is no conversation to be had as nobody calls. I don't leave messages anymore. Too painful when there isn't a return call anywhere within two weeks. Everyone is too busy. I'm happy for them. Makes me feel sad though since it means it doesn't matter that I exist. I unpacked alot of stuff yesterday. Came across my journals. I came across almost a dozen filled with my thoughts, clippings, memories. When I die I wonder what somebody reading them will really think about me. Will I be just as non-relivent as I am now? I guess the difference is that when that happens, it won't matter what anyone thinks then since I won't be here.

I have to go to the library tomorrow to return some books. I want to also pick up Jim Moret's book, " The Last Day of My Life". Looks like an interesting read. I think I'm going to lay back down now. My head hurts slightly. Maybe later I'll go outside for a walk.

The Delete Key

2010-06-29T21:42:00.003-04:00

Just hit the delete key on over 993 emails of randomness, non-importance, and just basically uselessness. I found that with the exception of one or two personal emails a month and receiving info about job postings, I really don't have any reason to check email. You know what, it felt good. Click and delete. Just like that. I even got rid of all of the emails I would read over and over again from others whose ego warranted that they send me email to put me down and make me feel worthless. Why hold on to things from people who truly don't care about me. If they did we would be friends. I've been thinking about my more recent dreams lately. I'm glad that my spirit gets to travel someplace other than here from time to time. It's kind of like hitting the delete key on reality...the same sense of freedom that so far hasn't been possible for me. Only seven emails remain in my inbox. I think tomorrow I'm going to erase those too. I'll sleep on it.

The Tri-Dream

2010-06-28T09:57:00.002-04:00

Had to log in first thing this morning to record this multiple part dream I had this morning before I forget it.

Part 1: I was sitting with a group of people on what appeared to be Fulton Street about half a block from a popular eatery. As we were talking, commotion erupted from the restaurant and then I saw three waiters in black shirts with white writing running. Then they yelled out that he was skipping out on the bill. As they started running towards my group, I could hear a motor cycle and then see a police officer drive past us on the street and the waiters were pointed to him. Apparently he was the one skipping out on the bill intentionally. Then one of the waiters, with the bill in his hand, came up to me and told me that he should have paid his bill. The total on the bill was for a tab just under $10. I want to say $9.57. I took the bill from him and told him I would give it to Commissioner Ray Kelly. The waiter asked if I knew him and my response was that I just met him a few weeks ago where he told me if I have any problems just give him a call.

Part 2: I was looking at an apartment on the fifth floor someplace and was given the key to lock up when done. I put the key in the lock which was so high up that I could barely reach it. Before leaving I was in one of the bedrooms and the door closed. When I went to get out, the door was locked. I had to go to the window and yell down to people below to come up to the fifth floor to let me out.

Part 3: I was looking at an huge apartment that felt more like a house. It had all these rooms, a huge kitchen that had tons of brown cabinets, large living room, etc. I was exploring this apartment/house with someone else as I was considering how I would renovate it.

Definitely interesting multiple dreams. No time for self-analysis but will revisit post later.

Had a Beautiful Day today

2010-06-26T20:11:00.002-04:00

Today I volunteered again for the Food Bank and met some really nice people and also got to try really good truck vendor foods. It was the annual Drive In and the hot truck of day was The Krave...Korean BBQ. Can you say yummie?!? I am a kimchi addict. LOL. It was hot today however the combination of fun people, good food, and great views of the Brooklyn Bridge...and oh yeah...beer and wine...made the event very good. Put in six hours of volunteer time and was happy to do so for a great cause...as always.

I normally hate weekends but today was indeed great and also helped to offset the actions of some asshole dude who has his ego so far up his ass that even the proverbial bug can't get up there! You know the type of guys, not men, I'm talking about...the ones who have to always be right at any cost, always have to have the last word, the ones who will hit below the belt to try to hurt you because they think that's a good way to defend a bruised ego. I think they are assholes. Real men never disrespect women...EVER...even when a woman is at her worst. In this case this jerk that I was dating up until last week was so disrespectful that he seems to think he could hurt me with words. I can assure you he didn't. For him, a diabetic and someone who had a mild heart attack, eating cheese every day, eggs, not taking medication properly, and overall not eating properly...he seems to think he's a great catch while he's slowly killing himself intentionally. It's one thing to take care of someone who is trying to be well...it's another when they have no disregard for themselves and continue along a path that will eventually require them to need a nurse or caretaker. I have a feeling he will regret all the words that he cowardly emailed to me. The funny thing is I don't hold a grudge. While we will never be friends, he's forgiven already for his poor behavior. His email was really offensive and disgusting. The up side to this is that I now know what it's like to date a divorced man who has children. That's a first. My preference is still to date single men with no kids but heck...what man doesn't have kids in their mid thirties?!? I'm considered a rarity to never have been married yet and not have any kids. Hey...call me responsible. I'm not picky however I do have standards also. Trust and respect is a foundation not an option with me. I give them and expect them in return. If that's making me picky then I many never get married or have kids. I do believe the right man is out there for me. He doesn't have to be perfect...just perfect for me and me for him. Even on my darkest days when I'm having my pitty party and say there is nobody out there for me, I know deep down that's not true. I do believe I am a good person and I don't think God and the universe will have me wandering alone until the day I die. He's still preparing for me and I am still preparing for him.

Next week will be busy as I finally move into the new space. I'm nervous due to the extra money I will spend due to higher rent but I'm going to take the risk anyway as my intuition tells me it's a right move. I'm really excited that I will finally have a real kitchen. Surprisingly, I love to cook and working in a real kitchen space instead of the kitchenette I currently have will definitely be an upgrade. I pray that a better job is on the immediate horizon for me. As much as I am a good renter, my hope for myself is to one day successfully own a space of my own. Doesn't need to be big but I just want something I own free and clear so that I always know I am not at the mercy of an owner. It will bring me much more peace once I am able to accomplish that goal. I pray my next gig comes soon otherwise I will have to close out my last remaining IRA account to survive. Right now I only have three months of rent left. I can live off of bananas and yogurt...I can't survive if I'm homeless.

I've been thinking alot about my language skills. I hope to be fluent in Spanish by this time next year. Once I do that I think I will take French as I would like to go to Haiti to work with a NGO in the rebuilding process. It is so important to rebuild and I want to make sure that I speak the language of the residents. I don't want to have language be a barrier. I think I'm going to try some of the local high schools to see if I can barter for language lessons. Let's see what happens.

OK. I have too many things on my mind to fully articulate on any one subject further right now (perhaps all the sun...and sunburn I took in is starting to kick in.) Winding down from the shower I took about an hour ago...man was I sweaty and sticky...lol. Ah...these are the days I miss having a boyfriend...Boy would he have gotten lucky...ha ha. OK...better go. More tomorrow.

A Message to Rainne

2010-06-23T00:31:00.004-04:00

Thank you! As always, your comments come at a time when I need to hear from somebody. It's been a rough month but I am finally able to come up for air and breathe. It's always difficult as a freelancer with little support from others. In the midst of this latest downturn, I have come up with the working title of my book and have started converting it from my head to the page. I will keep writing and I will keep posting (hopefully with more regularity).

Thanks again for listening. While we don't know one another...you have helped greatly and I appreciate and value you!

Ang

The Book

2010-05-31T12:20:00.002-04:00

Random thoughts today...I came up with my third book idea and title on Friday. In addition to the two on the trip of a lifetime, book three will actually be the first to be completed. Since it's the internet, I won't mention any details but like all writers say, "write what you know" and I know me, I know my experiences. I've been pretty upset this past weekend. Today no different however the good thing is that since I am forced to cope with the majority of things on my own, I have figured out a way to cope with being upset. Ha ha. I finally registered with the DOH and am officially an organ donor should anything bad happen to me. I'm pretty sure that when my life ends, another can go on with my organs.

I think I'm going to change my phone number at the end of summer. I'm debating if I need a phone at all. I guess so but I'll debate it. Also thinking about abandoning email also. Only really need it for job opportunities and work. With the exception of an occasional e-card or note, I don't get anything of substance in email. It's kind of like electronically standing in a room full of people on Skype and still being isolated. Who needs that. I don't. At the end of my time here, it will be as if though I didn't exist anyway. The only person who will ever really know what's fully on my mind is me. Like so many, I don't and probably won't make time for thoughts either once I finish the books. I've even chosen the day I'm going to die. Let's see if God has the same plan. The last few pieces of the puzzle are coming together. I'm so happy to know that I was here and accomplished helping others. It really is one of my so few joys in life. Anywho, I better go. I have some more stuff to wrap up. Perhaps more later. I think I'm also going to close out this blog at the end of June.

Happy May!

2010-05-01T09:50:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it is May 1st already?!? And what a great start to the month! It's going to be a beautiful day and well...quite frankly...gorgeous weekend. Practically like summer with the heat and humidity to match. I already have primed my air conditioner by cleaning out the filters last night. Not sure what I am going to do with myself this weekend yet but I'm sure I'll figure something out soon. This is a big month for me. So many changes are about to happen....finally...extra good changes I can truly feel and believe both on a professional as well as on a personal front. Not going to talk up any of the happenings since I would rather have face to face or phone dialogue with human beings about what's up. However, I can say that I am really excited about all of these new changes in my life. Don't get me wrong, as challenging as my journey has been so far, I don't regret and would not change a damn thing! My life is indeed interesting to me and innately I know I am following the right path. Albeit it is the road less traveled however I am on a road that many are afraid to travel and that has made me all the wiser.

What I have noticed about my life is that when there is change...it all comes up in pairs or triples. In this case, the change will be in triple. Perhaps next month I will share what the three changes are (were). For now, I will keep it, as I do many things, to myself. Good thing for the most part nobody is really around to challenge me on that...ha ha. I better go find something for me to do so I too can enjoy this first weekend of the month of May. Be well if anyone aside from me is reading this thing.

The Unknown Stalker

2010-04-09T20:08:00.002-04:00

So it would appear I have a mystery text stalker. Someone keeps texting me random information from his or her life yet the person won't identify who it is. Clearly it's someone I don't speak with or know. It's somewhat unnerving since I don't know who it is. Do I ignore future texts or do I continue to reply asking who is this? I'd rather ignore them and prefer that they go away. I'm not in the mood to play mystery games with strangers or someone who has too much free time on their hands. Probably someone who just likes all these mind games.

I still have a low grade migraine going on. Been drinking about two cups of coffee a day and it actually helps for several hours per stretch.

Oh...need to finish this project. Will play catch up tomorrow.

A Better Saturday

2010-04-03T11:34:00.002-04:00

It looks like another great weekend weather-wise. Weekends tend to be my nemesis since there's only but so much stuff I desire to do alone. I refuse to let the boredom get to me this weekend. Not sure what I will do with myself but I'll figure something out. Definitely need to study for my next Spanish lesson. I am enjoying taking lessons tremendously. It's always fun learning something new when you have a teacher that is patient and wants you to learn! I hope I can be fluent in about a year. Pray that I can continue to afford lessons. I'm thinking about selling off all of my jewelry for cash. I would hate to do so since for starters I don't have much and the pieces I have collected mean something to me beyond their beauty. With the exception of my parents, nobody has ever given me the gift of jewelery. Pieces acquired were gifts, always birthday only. The rest I bought on my own. Sometimes it makes me sad to know that my birthday, which many don't have time to spend with me, is usually the only time my life is acknowledged. That's why it's so hard to part with the few pieces I purchased on my own. For those items were bought when I acknowledged my presence...always at times when something special happened in my life and nobody was around to share the news with. Perhaps it is fitting to let it all go. Many still aren't around however at least I know I'm here for now. How long I don't know but as I type I am here now.

I think I'm going to give away or donate even more stuff like virtually all of my CDs, clothing, and books. I'm going to start working on packing all these things up starting Monday. No need for the stuff anymore. Better buy some heavy duty garbage bags this weekend. OK. I better go. It's midday and I shouldn't spend time locked in my space doing nothing. If I'm going to be doing nothing I should at least be doing it outside! LOL.

The Crying Game

2010-04-02T22:18:00.002-04:00

Today was such a beautiful day out. Yet in still I find myself crying and tearing up without warning. As the weather gets nicer, I do find myself outside more but it's all the same...still doing alot of things on my own. I'm not really sure what more to do since I make it a point to socialize, be outside, go out and enjoy the day. I think what bothers me is that with all of the new things I take in and observe, there's nobody really socially interacting with me. No real dialogue, no real debates about what's going on in the world. Just nothing. How simply boring!

I think when the tears well up it's one of my ways of releasing my pent up anger to those who abandoned me. Someone said to me a few months ago that I pushed everyone away. I found that statement very offensive. I simply spoke up and told all those selfish people who only had time for their lives and didn't want to be true friends with me to basically "fuck off". No more do I want to be there for other's life moments yet almost all of them couldn't even care if I'm breathing or not. Their actions were the very reason why I started putting myself first. No more being there for everyone and nobody being there for me. I found in doing so that my quality of life actually got better in an odd way. While I still don't have much, it made me truly realize that I am a good person deserving of love...just like what all of them have found. I found that I do love myself...I'm still struggling with the fact that hardly anyone else does. I am thankful for the one or two people who do call every once in a blue moon. I still feel lonely, separate from many. Isolated even on the busiest of streets. Again, I don't know what more I can do. I asked for help but didn't get it. Not really sure how much more help I can give myself.

I did some retail therapy today. Walked to the mall to return a blouse and spent about an hour looking at the racks. Found a pretty cocktail dress and bought it. It looks great on me. Not really sure why I bought it. Maybe my brain is telling me I'll get to get all dressed up in it and have fun somewhere. I hung it up outside my closet so that I can look at it for a while. Even with the tears I felt pretty today. Tomorrow is going to be almost 80 degrees. I think I'll dress up tomorrow too and try to make sure no tears fall then.

Sunday Brunch

2010-03-28T15:06:00.002-04:00

OK. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that I just got back from a really great first date and again...don't want to jinx it but this I believe is a really great connection! To be honest, I haven't felt this way in a really, really long time. I'm not going to talk up this date too much yet but I will say that we met for Sunday brunch and ended up talking for almost three hours! I enjoyed the conversation tremendously and I think he did too. Let's see what happens.

On the rest of life front, I walked twice this week in the park. Each time getting in over 11,000 steps. Yesterday I participated in a charity walk to help raise funds in the fight against childhood obesity. It was cold yesterday but about 100 adults and kids managed to turn up. Nicole and Damien were there also. They are so sweet. I met Nicole when I went for the open casting call for the Biggest Loser. Between she and Damian, they have lost almost 300lbs! What inspiration! I know soon that I too will shed the weight that has been my security blanket for so long. Trying to get back up to walking four days each week walking until I find a great cardio class or group I can afford. In the meantime, I've been enjoying my walks. Think alot. All good thoughts. I constantly find myself in a state of feeling really good....happy even with some of the newer challenges. Just happy. I still don't have much but I feel like I have plenty. I've been taking Spanish lessons with my goal to become fluent by the end of the year. I have a feeling I will be traveling again in the near future to Spanish speaking countries. Just a feeling.

Anywho, I don't have time to play catch up today since I'm on my way back out the door in about ten minutes. Will get back up to speed mid-week.

Happy Spring!

2010-03-20T12:10:00.002-04:00

Winter girl here...but I'm so excited about Lady Spring coming forward today! What a great day to bring in the new season. I think it's going to be about 70 degrees this afternoon. Double WOW! I don't rule out one more snow storm before April 15th though. LOL. Quick post today since I'm literally headed out the door in five minutes to run errands and take in all the sunshine. Rosy, my Spanish tutor, encouraged me to sign up yet again for an online dating service so you know what...I am throwing caution to the wind, again, as well as $50 bucks to a site for one month. I'm sure results would be better than the jerk who honked his car horn at me and attempted to summon me to approach his car. I don't respond to car horn cattle calls. If he really wanted to find out my name or anything about me, he could have easily driven ahead of me since I was walking and gotten out of his car. I would have respected that much more. Let's see what happens yet again online! LOL.

I have been feeling pretty good the past few weeks. Just doing my thing. Work has been good in the sense that I have been talking to alot of patients and helping them get access to services. Makes me feel like I'm really helping. On the personal front, I find myself going to the park more and just getting outside. Sometimes it can be boring not having another human being to talk about the news, weather, gossip, whatever but I am finding that for me it's not as big of an issue anymore. I suspect that I am evolving. I just started reading "The Shift". Watched the movie last week. I feel like I have grown so much over the last five years even with all the ups and downs. Making progress.

Oh...my five minutes are up. I better get moving. More Monday.

What a GREAT Rain Day

2010-03-13T23:21:00.002-05:00

Stayed in all day and relaxed for the most part. Have a low grade migraine which continues to this hour but not too bad considering. This morning I watched Dr. Wayne Dyers DVD called "The Shift". So many things are making sense for me as I already knew I was transitioning into the afternoon of my life. I've gradually been transitioning for several years now. Still have a lot to learn but for the most part I know for sure I'm on the right path in my life and am making the right decisions. I will start reading the book of the same name tomorrow.

Going to bed now since the bright lights are bothering me. Perhaps more tomorrow.

What a GREAT Snow Day!

2010-02-26T14:23:00.002-05:00

I just got back home after going to my dental appointment in the city. What a GREAT snow day! There has to be at least 18 inches of snow in my part of Brooklyn and now the sun is coming out. I didn't take my camera with me today but I have some great visuals in my head. When I got off of the train I did see one of my old professors (one who I had a crush on nonetheless). I didn't call him out to say hi since I don't really think there is anything interesting about my life to share. I did walk up to the park to find a good spot for a SNOW ANGELA! Somebody had walked all through my usual spot so I found a nice open space along a walkway just underneath a tree. I really wish I had someone to play with. I cried only a little bit but did smile as I walked in the snow. I love the snow when it first falls.

I made a few decisions during my walk should anything happen to me. Instructions I guess you could call them since there is nobody who really knows what is on my mind. I will write them up over the weekend and post them on my refrigerator. With the exception of my one follower I don't think anybody else reads this blog (it was created more as my companion...my voice since so few have time to listen to my real one). In part, I am instructing my parents that if I die before them they are to cremate me and spread my ashes in the Atlantic Ocean. They are also instructed not to have any funeral or memorial service. In fact, they are only to notify people of my passing should anyone actually come looking for me which will save them alot of time since with the exception of a few, nobody does. It makes me so sad to know that while I am living I am treated as if though I am dead. So, I might as well plan for it. Snow days... I love them. They are a reminder to me though...that I'm on my own. Nobody calls, nobody writes, nobody has time, nobody cares. I do take comfort in knowing that at least in my professional life, I cared and I help when I can. That makes me happy. That ...and Snow Angelas.

Four Words

2010-02-25T23:15:00.000-05:00

It's Snowing...SNOW ANGELAS!

Date Like a Man

2010-02-20T09:45:00.001-05:00

It's been a bit busy the past week or so. Some good days, some not so good but overall...while I can complain...I won't. I will say that on the good side, I have been getting out there and dating more which is surprisingly has brought on a whole host of emotions for me. I should add that not only am I going out on dates but that I have managed to attract not only one person but rather two...and an ex! LOL. While the ex...Mr. K has no shot of getting back into my good graces as boyfriend material at this time he still wants to stick around as what he describes as "a friend". I made it perfectly clear to him that I'm not interested in dating him and that to even be my friend requires earning my trust and respect ...just like everybody else! He started to cite that I know him and my response was that I thought I knew him but now I don't. He has to start all over.

In part I feel like I'm living out part of Myriah Moore's book, "Date Like a Man" where she advises all women to literally well...date like a man would! Never sink all of your eggs in one basket until you know that the one man will protect that basket with his life. I remember reading her book years ago and I always like her logic of having "a pair and a spare". Two men and a backup until there's the one who stands out from the pack . Given that I often refer to myself as "dating challenged" I often found it difficult to follow this principle because to me it felt like cheating. What I now realize is that it's a numbers game. The more you date, perhaps the better your odds of meeting someone that is compatible. I don't believe I am meant to be alone forever. I've been alone for too long and no longer wish to be. It's time to increase my odds of meeting some more nice guys (I know there are some out there) as opposed to the many losers I have encountered and wasted time on.

As for the other two men...one I mentioned before...Mr. S. We went out about two weeks ago and on that date he brought me a gift of wine. From what I know about him so far, he seems like a stand up type of guy who works hard and spends time with his family. I am getting the sense though that he's a bit laid back when it comes to dating even though he says he wants to get married and have kids in the next three years. I am looking forward to learning a bit more about him on the next date. As for the other...Mr. J...met up with him yesterday for a coffee date. I strongly dislike it when men recommend meeting up for coffee or drinks but I do go nonetheless if we have productive conversations prior to meeting. In this case we did so I deliberately selected one of my favorite small eateries where we had the option to have only coffee and/or a meal also. He was running late but did call to let me know. I appreciated that very much. I had ordered a hot apple cider and was halfway through my cup when he arrived. He apologized again for his lateness. We chatted for about five minutes and then he decided we should have lunch. I didn't order anything but he did and we talked for the hour. We had a very good conversation. He's a pretty interesting man. When the bill came I asked what should I contribute and he said he's got it covered. Here's something I did find extra refreshing....as he was looking at the bill, he thought there was an error...that my cider was not on the bill...so he called the waiter over to let them know that there was an omission. I really admired the honesty! Turns out the cider was on there but it was really cool that he wanted to make sure that everything was settled with the house. LOVE THAT! Before we got up from the table, he said he would really like to see me again and asked when am I free. I said to give me a call and we can meet up again soon. Later that evening around 6:30 or so he called to invite me out to a Lounge where he and his cousin were planning on attending. I respectfully declined citing other plans but did ask for a raincheck. I don't know much about this man yet so I can't make myself too available! LOL. He has captured my attention though! Let's see what happens.

What I am feeling as I reenter the dating pool again with an open heart is that while I am slightly scared to get it broken yet again, I'm more happy that I'm taking the chance. I've survived and thrived under the worst of situations. I don't judge men, or anyone for that matter, so I shouldn't worry about these men judging me. Just keep on dating until one of them tells me he only wants me for himself! LOL. More later.

The Goddess Party

2010-02-14T02:33:00.002-05:00

Let me start off by saying that I'm really drunk right now. I think the last time I was drunk was freshman year of college when had tequila and beer chasers. I am waiting up for Sue to call and let me know she got home safely. I had fun tonight. Also had a beer and two cosmos. The room is spinning slightly. Went to a club called "The Bitter End" and heard one of her friend's friend play. He was pretty good. Afterwards we went to a Goddess party...one of those parties where men who like plus sized women gather to met well...plus sized women. I actually seldom go to these types of gatherings simply because there are always more women than men there and usually the black guys always gravitate towards the white women. Tonight was no different. This was only my second time going to one of these things. After waiting about 15 minutes to see if any men would buy me a drink I went and got my own. They were busy placating the other women who were practically throwing themselves at them...you know...the really desperate ones.
And by desperate I mean the ones who were showing the T&A and freely letting guys touch them. Totally not me and never will be. Oh...phone ringing. brb.

Sue got home...she must have been flying like a bat out of hell to get back to LI in 20 minutes. Glad she got home safely. Had fun. Glad she invited me out. I'm really sleepy and woozy. Will finish this thought and recap the rest of last night/this morning later after some needed rest.

Pre Valentines Day

2010-02-13T19:18:00.002-05:00

For the first time ever, I'm actually going out and hanging out leading into Valentine's Day. Sue invited me to hear one of her bandmates play at a club and then afterwards we are going to a singles party. Normally I don't do these types of things but I figure why the heck not? Can't wait for anyone to set me up with anyone otherwise I'll be single forever right? More importantly, I'm bored always being at home. There's only so much reading, cleaning, writing, Netflix watching, cooking, drowning in my own depression that I can do!

I normally don't do this either but I look pretty damn cute tonight. Since there's snow and ice on the ground I can't wear my three inch cool boots out of fear of falling and breaking my leg or something but I am wearing my other leather booties that are equally cute and safer for the walk to the train. Also wearing white tonight. Don't normally do that either. Let's face it, I'm a klutz when it comes to wearing white! LOL. But you know what? I'm going to do it anyway. I am wearing my sheer, sexy black top underneath so if something happens to the white top the black top underneath is just as cool! I'm breaking out of my shell. BTW...despite that great date I don't think I'm going to go out on any more dates with "Mr. G". My instinct tells me he's not ready to date yet but I'm not sure. He's too difficult to reach and hasn't shored up a second date with me. Too many inconsistencies in his behavior. Don't want that in my life. Been down that road so many times. Anyway...I better get going. Hope to have fun tonight. It's been a very long time since I've been out on a Saturday night. I think tomorrow I'm going to treat myself to a movie too. While all those couples are loving themselves I'm going to remind myself as I should every day to love myself more.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2010-02-10T19:47:00.003-05:00

What a great walk I had around 2:30! Took some really fun winter photos including this gorgeous snow filled open gate a few doors down from me. I saw it on my way back from my half hour adventure. It was so beautiful I couldn't resist stopping to admire it for a few moments before I snapped the picture. As I stood in front of it I thought about how it in an odd yet fitting way is a metaphor for my life. The gate is wide open and the possibility for what's inside endless! So many lessons I have been learning in my hometown Brooklyn! LOL. It was a good walk. As I look out of the window now the snow continues to fall. When all is said and done it looks like about a foot will be on the ground. It kind of makes me think about all the snow haters who kept shovelling throughout the day. I found myself at one point getting annoyed with them for making all that noise with shovels and electric snowblowers. It was noisy like every three hours or so. I kept wondering if they watched the weather report and, despite knowing that more snow was going to fall and virtually undo all of their hard work, still thought it was worth it to attack Mother Nature's contribution. I do understand that the snow has to be cleaned up. What I never understand is why after it starts falling and has twelve hours to go people are out there throwing it all over the place instead of taking some time to enjoy how pretty it is and dare I say....taking some time to actually play in it?!? While I was out there I so badly desired playing with someone in the snow. Wanted to have a snowball fight. Wanted to roll down a few hills in the park. Wanted to sit on a bench with a cup of hot cocoa with someone and have a conversation and just enjoy it. I did enjoy my walk and my thoughts. I hope we get at least two more big snowfalls before the season is over....and I'm putting it out in the universe that I will be playing and enjoying one, if not both of those two snowfalls with someone special.

Fefe is Me

2010-02-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

Slept a little bit better last night than the previous two despite falling asleep at 2am. It's been a while since I've been through a round of insomnia so I always welcome sleep when I get it. With my latest rest came the latest dream. While I only remember bits and pieces of it, I do find the parts that I actually remember pretty darn interesting. I remember talking to a woman named Fefe. Somehow I feel that she was me. As weird as that sounds I truly believe I was talking to another version of myself. In one part of this dream, I was telling Fefe, who was holding a beautiful little girl who looked to be under the age of one, to go towards the right and pointing down a street where others were standing. It was as if though I was guiding myself to a safer place to be. I should also add that I was talking to a much thinner version of myself thank you very much! The only other portion of the dream that I remember is talking to Fefe again on what look like a different period of time. Not sure if it was same day, time, week or even year. She was running toward me and I remember pointing for her to again...run towards the right. There was a crowd chasing her. Kind of like how fans chase a celebrity. I remember touching her hand and pointing to "go to the right." That's all I remember. Weird, interesting dream.

A couple of quick self notes on this dream. If I had to analyze this in the most rudimentary way possible, I think there is something pretty big coming up in my future that involves a little girl. This is like the third or fourth time I have had a dream that involved a little girl, my future daughter perhaps? As for the crowds, I think something in my future will also mean that some large group of people will want to listen so something that I have possibly shared with the public? Who knows. Instinctively, I truly believe that when I am dreaming I really am spiritually and emotionally traveling. I always find that when I wake up I almost always feel better no matter what the dream...even the rare bad ones! That's always a good thing. Over the past few months I've been remembering more and more of them so that's always fascinating to me. I'm going to try to be more diligent about documenting them as well as some of the other thoughts I have in the overnight hours. I'm going to start keeping a notepad on the nightstand by my bed. Perhaps its my book in the making.

The snow has picked up here and I so want to go out and play but there is a mix of sleet in there so not sure if I can get in a snow Angela. It's so beautiful looking outside. I think within the next hour after I eat lunch I'm going to put on my winter gear and go for a simple walk around the block. I know the wind is picking up so I shouldn't linger outside as it could be very dangerous especially with the wind and those dangerous drivers on the streets. I will go for a brief winter walk and ponder for a few moments as well as be thankful. Right now I'm listening to Miriam's CD (Sita's Light) and its very calming as I look out at the falling snow. Before I head outside, I want to comment about Lori Gottlieb's book about settling as well as Sherry Argov's book. Better get lunch so I can have energy for the storm.

My Beautiful Snow Has Returned

2010-02-10T00:55:00.002-05:00

It's snowing! About a foot of glorious snow is expected to fall today here in Brooklyn. I'm so happy. There's nothing like snow to really lift my spirits! With snow comes Snow Angelas! I can't wait to go outside once there is enough on the ground. I know I'll be hearing shovelling by 6am today but I don't care since I know it's going to snow until late afternoon! DOUBLE HA HA TO THE SNOW HATERS! I haven't been sleeping to well the past two days...lot on my mind but I'm going to think positive thoughts and pray even harder for everything to work out well.

Yesterday was pretty good at one of the hospitals and I successfully garnered my first two referrals! I'm so proud of me! I know it sounds so selfish to pat myself on the back but I didn't have anyone to share the good news with so I came home and looked myself in the mirror and said, "Good job Ang." I know that with the referrals that means two more people with cancer are going to get more help that they need. I can only hope and pray that one day I too will be fortunate enough to get the help that I need. It's really hard staying well with no medical insurance and very little money. Even harder with no real support anywhere. However I will keep my head held high that I am doing purposeful work helping others so that's good.

I better try to sleep. I have to be well rested so I can go play in the snow later! I think I'll take my camera too. More later.

The Date

2010-02-06T21:18:00.005-05:00

I've always felt left out of the dating world simply because I haven't dated that much. Most of the men that I have encountered left me feeling lonelier than when I spent time by myself. So I found it quite refreshing the other day to have had a dating experience that left me asking myself, "Why have I been limiting myself to losers when there are clearly still nice guys out there in the world?

Given my background of having subjected myself to the worst kind of love in the universe....unrequited love...I felt really empowered over the course of the last few months putting myself, and my emotions, back out there so to speak. I smiled more. I held my head up a bit higher. Stood tall and walked strong. And more importantly....I loved myself more. In doing so, all of this has led me back into the dating universe...strong enough to handle whatever came my way. I posted my profile on two dating sites. Actually spoke to men who approached me in a pleasant manner. Rejected those who were crass and not viable contenders. Responded to emails...and refused to respond to the past. The culmination...several dates...the best of which came Thursday evening.

Let's call this date "Mr. G.". Mr. G to date has been a perfect gentleman...which nowadays is totally refreshing and unexpected. For the first week I didn't give him my phone number but instead called him. I have a private phone number so my number doesn't come up on the receiver's end. He didn't blink an eye or even question it. When I finally agreed to a date, I met him at the restaurant even though I know he wanted to pick me up. I got there early and when he arrived, he greeted me with a warm smile and surprisingly a present. The present was a really nice bottle of wine. We had a great meal, great conversation. When the bill came I offered to assist. He declined. Twice. When it came to getting home, I declined the offer of a ride but he did insist on calling me to make sure I got in ok. And he did. It's been a really long time since I've had a date go ever so smoothly and where I actually am looking forward to a second with the same person! We have plans for dinner and a movie in a couple of days. Even if nothing comes out of these dates, it's nice to know that there are still some men out there who can actually do old school dating! Don't get me wrong...I'm not all traditional, however sometimes it's a good thing to have real dates as opposed to "coffee dates" or speed dates and chats, emails, texts, etc. Nothing ever trumps going out with a person in real time and getting to know them that way! Day by day.

Which leads me back to the answer to my original question. I think I was limiting myself to these "users and losers" because in some small way I was putting myself in a loser category. I have always underestimated my worth and power when it came to the men in my life. Always felt less than simply because I didn't have the resources that many others had. What I didn't realize is that I have the one resource that many will never have....I have me and the beautiful energy and spirit God gave me! I almost lost my mind trying to figure out why one person in particular wouldn't come out and just tell me he didn't love me or even like me even though he knew full well that I was totally in love with him. Unrequited Love....it slowly kills the loving party and all hope of anyone else loving them because they are consumed with someone who never deserved their love in the first place. For the lucky ones like me who eventually realize that that type of love is sure death, we slowly rechannel the love...first to ourselves....then to someone who will recognize that love and put in the time, energy, and work to earn that very love. I am neither a user nor a loser. I see that now.

Here's to many more first, second, third, whatever dates whether they are with Mr. G or other men. Call me strange but I know that my match is going to connect with me soon. I don't know why now but I do feel it. OK. More tomorrow. I still didn't get to the article about settling but will then. Some interesting theories out there.

One More Great Date for the Books

2010-02-05T21:33:00.002-05:00

It's not snowing yet but I can't wait to wake up in the morning and see all of the beauty that will be waiting...hopefully I will be able to enjoy some of it before the snow haters bring out the shovels. Had a great date last night but will elaborate on it more tomorrow since I will have more time then. I was reading a good article about a new book that is encouraging women to "settle" in relationships. Will share my thoughts on that tomorrow also. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! I love it!

The Mouse and the Man

2010-02-03T23:07:00.001-05:00

For the last few days I have had a low migraine headache going on so I surely thought that for sure I would be able to get some much needed rest and do some lite work today at home. When I initially woke just after 6am or so to go to the bathroom, I remember thinking how peaceful and quiet it was for the early morning. The street was calm...that's how I knew there was enough snow to blanket the street. Of course I did hear the stupid super/grandson about 15 minutes later shoveling and making a whole lot of noise. You can never enjoy the snow when he's around. Anyway, I went back to sleep and when I awoke, there was a different sound. It was a sound I am not familiar with at all but instinctually knew was that of something else moving in my space. IT WAS A MOUSE! OH MY GOD! I can laugh now but this morning was a completely different story.

Apparently the glue traps that my father had put down behind the fridge about two or three months ago "trapped" it's intended target. A small mouse landed himself right smack in the middle and couldn't get off. Every so often s/he would shriek in a cry for help. As for me, I assumed the standard position....in the middle of my bed curled in fear and disgust as I frantically dialed my father and prayed that this time he would answer his phone! He screens his calls...not really sure why but it's so frustrating. Thank goodness this time he did indeed answer. It seemed like the longest hour and a half of my life listening to some rodent literally ten feet away trying to escape for dear life and making noise. Clearly I don't do well with rodents running amuck. It is in these moments that really make me wish I were married or involved. I know it's such a cliche' however I'm totally going to take the girl route here and leave the mouse fighting to the men. LOL.

Anywho, my dad came over and put the little bastard out of his misery. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. Just gross! I really hope there are never any more issues like this. Really not my cup of tea. I don't want anything moving in my space unless I invited it in. Ha ha.

So on more upbeat news, I have another date tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I think I may have stumbled upon someone really special but I'm not going to put the cart before the horse so to speak. Take it day by day. I better go. More hopefully tomorrow. More snow on the way for the weekend...how exciting...more snow Angelas? I hope so.

Broke and Broken

2010-01-29T23:34:00.002-05:00

Been laying low for the last couple of days. Feeling a bit broke and broken. Did cheer myself up by putting more photos in the photo album. The last album is about 85% done. Hope to have it finished tomorrow and then eventually I'll get to the scrapbook. Better late than never right? It's really hard sometimes to snap out of these "funks" simply because I'm so damn bored! Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just cashed out the little that I do have and just simply got on a bus or train and left. I really don't think anyone would notice. Well..only my mother would but the reality is that if I wasn't here it really wouldn't make a ripple with anyone anywhere. How sad is that to feel that my life is of no value to anyone except me? I know I shouldn't think that way but for today I do. I'll cry it out and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

It's kind of ironic that there are so many goals and dreams I have yet to accomplish yet now I just have some serious doubts it any of them will ever happen. I've worked hard, did all the right things, yet still had so many show me nothing but their poor behavior and disrespect. Maybe I should no longer focus my book goals on some of the journeys I have been on but rather the one that has been consistently stays with me...the Journey of Solitude. No matter how many connections I try to make, it would appear that nobody has time to actually care about me. I've been to so many movies, museums, park walks, you name it, I've done it alone because everyone is busy or can't come to Brooklyn. Joined groups that just don't match. I don't think I have the energy for it anymore. I think it's a sign. I won't be here much longer. I don't know. Again. Perhaps I just need to cry out the negativity and my perspective may change tomorrow. I better go.

The Middle Class Task Force

2010-01-25T21:37:00.002-05:00

Could Mother Nature have dropped any more rain on us during the rush hour than she did today? If I had my way today I would have stayed indoors curled up in my bed with a cup of hot cocoa. For the most part I slept pretty well last night after taking some Theraflu. I actually enjoy the rain as much as I enjoy snow...just not while I'm fighting anything that's attacking my respitory system. LOL. Oh well...wasn't too bad although my hair lost the battle. Was nice when I left the house...not so nice when I got to the training session. Ha ha.

Diana was great as usual. All the the case scenarios posed to us were really interesting and challenging. So many possibilies for solutions. I like group settings where you get to hear all different though processes. Really helpful and informative. The day gave me a bit more confidence for when I actually have to "go it alone" which will be in about two weeks or so. Always frightening...like the first day of anything new...but I know I'll be fine in the long run.

When I got home I around 5:30 or so, I found myself flipping through the limited channels I have (since I can't afford cable) and I lucked out and do happen to get FOOD, CSPAN, and NY1. I found myself watching CSPAN just as Joe Biden and eventually President Obama were speaking on the new concepts and ideas they will try to implement to improve the economy through the Middle Class Task Force. Usually when any president official speaks of the middle class, they are never really speaking to me since I no longer fall in that category. I am below middle class now. I have the added luxury of not qualifying for assistance for most government assistance programs since I'm not married, don't own anything, and don't have any children. To date it would seem, in my opinion, that all I'm good for when it comes to the government is being taxed! How crazy is that? So anyway, what did stand out for me was all the talk about changes to the IBR program which is one thing I do match since I have a staggering amount of student loan debt (almost 50K). To me, the principal balance is not necessarily the initial problem but rather the amount of interest our very government decided to tax...a whopping 6.2% fixed interest rate...gee..Thanks former President Bush. That was a lovely parting gift.

11:08pm...ok...so lost the last part of my text here due to some error...will revisit this post in the morning. Theraflu kicking in!

Theraflu Haze

2010-01-24T20:12:00.003-05:00

Kind of slipping into a Theraflu haze so not doesn't look like I'm going to be on the computer but for a mere minute or two. Spend the majority of today resting and hydrating. Still have a slight headache but hopefully that will go away soon. The fever did go away so that's pretty good. I think the hot shower I took earlier in the day helped. It's especially at times like this that I really appreciate the fact that while I don't have much, I at least for now have a clean place to rest and access to food and medicine. I still can't fathom the devastation and chaos going on in Haiti. I keep thinking when will I be able to help more than donating a couple of dollars. I sense that in the upcoming years to come I will be there, physically there, helping with a NGO or something...helping to rebuild. While I don't really know what the future holds for me I just feel that the world has bigger, greater plans for me. For now, I think I better lay down. Will try to collect my thoughts better hopefully tomorrow once the OTC drugs are out of my system. I have a few words about Yele Haiti (positive and not negative like what the media has been putting out there.)

Life in the Sick Lane

2010-01-24T12:12:00.002-05:00

I simply can't believe that I have a head cold right now! I'm actually running a fever too. How is that possible considering that last month I literally had to have almost seven shots as part of my medical clearance to work in the hospitals?!? And I do mean literally! I don't think I've ever had that many shots spread out over the course of two days. H1N1, Tetanus, something or another for chicken pox. You name it, my blood work showed I needed it. I am hard pressed to say that my body would be able to fight off a cold virus since all of my cells are trying to figure out what to attack first. LOL. Oh well. I took some Motrin last night and this morning and am going to take a hot shower in a few minutes. Need to be semi-well for tomorrow's training session. Looking forward to that. I need all the training sessions I can get since I find that working in the hospital setting is so very difficult. Everyone is so vulnerable. From the patients to those who treat them; we are all so very vulnerable. The patients just by the very nature of whatever ails them physically and the emotional toll that goes along with their illness. For the practitioner, their vulnerability lies in the balance of power they hold with that very patient. Are they providing enough information and care, are they being sensitive enough, are they just another ass caught up in the bureaucratic mess of a medical system our country has to offer? Where do I fit in? I'm right in in the middle of it all.

First and foremost, my job is to make sure the patient gets information about programs and services they may not know about. On the other side, I will have an office breathing down my neck asking me how many patients did I refer to them. A delicate balance. Not every patient wants to talk to someone the moment they find out they are facing a life crisis. Everyone handles news differently. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's training so that I can see different approaches to different scenarios. First I need to get well! Better go take a shower and get some soup in my system. More later on this, Haiti, the date, life.

The Oprah Dreams

2010-01-21T08:43:00.002-05:00

Not much time to post but did want to get at least part of this dream down before I possibly forget some of the details. Had another one of my Oprah dreams. I am going to take them as a sign that I am destined to meet and be friends with this dynamic and interesting woman! I've had way too many dreams about her and I can't really say that I'm a huge Oprah fan by any means. I like her, her story, some of her shows; definitely enjoy her interviewing technique and tenacity. Other than that there is no other reason why I should have so many dreams about her. And the funny thing is all of my dreams put me in the position of close friend to her...like a Gayle King type close friend. How cool is that?

So anyway...in this dream, I was on a cross country train in a huge, living room type travel car and decided to walk through to another car. When I got to the other side, there was a formal black ballgown dress lying next to the door. I walked in and sat down in a huge comfy sofa type chair and was looking out of a floor to ceiling window which was looking out over a fancy hotel. The train was at a near stop. Oprah was sitting in the other chair directly across from me reading the newspaper. She said something about how pretty the dress was and I smiled. The Travel Channel was on and that very hotel outside my window was also on tv! That's all I remember I think.

Time escapes me this morning...gotta go to work. Will try to revisit later.

The Dating World

2010-01-16T13:23:00.002-05:00

Don't really have time to elaborate right now since I literally only have five minutes to post before I have to run out the door but here's something I haven't said in a long time....I have a date next week! Go figure. Now don't get me wrong...many guys talk to me just about every week. That has never been the problem. I'm just having a problem connecting with the right type of man. I'm seeking someone who actually has some time to have conversations with me, care, have fun, be silly...connect. So far, all I meet are guys who simply would have sex with me and leave if I let them. Not what I'm looking for these days. OH...and before I forget, got a strange email also from an ex...haven't heard from him in over a year. I'm not sure how or if to even respond to him since he was yet again another one of the "workaholics" I tend to attract. I feel like I'm in a good place in my life now. I've been able to let go of so many negative feelings and the people who where attached with them. I can now see that there will be someone really special in my future and I don't believe I need to revisit the past to find him. I better go...More on Monday. Day of Service.

The Horror in Haiti

2010-01-15T22:53:00.002-05:00

What can I say that hasn't already been said about the devastation in Haiti? My thoughts and prayers are with the people as they fight to get through the chaos and madness of this natural disaster! It is heartbreaking to see that in the wake of the quake, people are dying of silly things such as minor cuts due to infection and lack of treatment. The other tragedy is that aid simply isn't getting there fast enough. This is the reality in countries where minority populations are affected. And... I want to briefly add a "shame on you" to Pat Roberts for his derogatory comments about the people of Haiti. How dare he! He considers himself a man of God?!? Are you kidding me? How can a man of God literally make it sound like it was right for thousands of people to die and then say so cavalierly that's what God wanted?!? Again...shame on Pat Roberts! Anyway...I'm giving him way too much word time than he deserves. Those affected by the earthquake and their loved ones are added to my prayers. At a later and more appropriate time, I do have some thoughts about the fundraising efforts, immigration issues, and other topics surrounding Haiti but now is not the time for debate...just as much positive energy that can be put out into the universe.

Strip Searches and Travel Woes

2010-01-08T12:33:00.005-05:00

It's been a long time since I've talked about something other than me so let's focus on life beyond Ang shall we? I'll get back to me later. So the big news of course is national security and our ongoing fight against terrorism. I find myself torn with the proposal of the use of full body scanners at the airports. On one hand I think it is necessary since it will aid in reducing the types of foreign objects that should not be aboard domestic and international flights. However, I am also opposed to giving up yet another civil liberty under the guise that it will "protect" all of us. I believe that higher level governmental officials failed to do their jobs properly and in doing so we the average citizen continue to get a reduction in our basic rights because of their oversights! In my opinion, they continue to get paid top dollar while we continue to get stripped little by little of our dignity at the airports. What's next? Do we show up naked and wait for cavity searches while a dog sniffs at our two inch carry on bag that contains two ounces of lotion?

It's been almost ten years since the September 11th attack and while national security has gotten better, there are so many areas where it should be better already and it isn't. The lockdown at Newark airport is a perfect example of errors in judgement both by security as well as an overzealous man waiting for a female passenger. While many will only focus on the security guard who left his post...which was indeed wrong...others fail to see that the man who walked the wrong way deliberately did so after being told once before that he could not go that way. The man, probably not use to being told no as so many men aren't use to, did what he wanted to do and created so many problems for thousands of other passengers. How selfish of him. I hope they find him and are able to fine him for something! It goes to show you how some folks simply don't take safety and security seriously and don't care about other people at all. Again, how selfish some are in this world.

In watching President Obama's press conferences over the last two weeks, I commend him on taking responsibility for everybody elses oversights...even though alot of these errors are carryovers from the previous administrations. Being in charge of anything is alot of responsibility and I'm not just referring to the Presidency but with anything in life. Just being in charge of what's personally going on in ones life is a big responsibility. Am I making the right decision? Who and how is this going to affect me? Others? What is the short and long term impact of this decision? All of my decisions? Can I live with what might be perceived as an error? I'm sure President Obama asks these questions every day! As we all do!

As for travelling....As crazy as it may seem...I'm looking forward to getting on a plane this year to travel someplace...anyplace far and amazing! Just to talk about me for a moment, I have very little money, current employment barely pays enough to cover my rent let alone food and other basic essentials but I enjoy the work, and for the most part I hear the sound of my own voice the majority of the time and talk to myself. Yet...I am looking forward to traveling someplace very far this year. I wasn't able to do so in 2009 but plan on doing so this year. Let's see how the year shapes up. I better get going. Have some light cleaning to do. More perhaps later.

Happy New Year- Welcome 2010

2010-01-02T17:33:00.003-05:00

It feels like only yesterday we were all worrying about Y2K and here we are a decade later in 2010! Happy New Year! I feel a bit free and started the year off right by taking on the challenge of starting to clean out my inbox and saved messages. Who knew that hitting the delete button could be so liberating! Once it's gone...its gone! I think Miriam would be especially proud to know that I no longer have any more O'Neil messages in my inbox or anywhere for that matter. He simply doesn't and will never exist again....and I'm happy about it! I never thought I would say this but when it comes to him...we will never speak or see one another again and I'm fine with that! I've evolved to the next level of where I need to be and it's a great place. We all know he's an asshole. I even told him that in email and to his face once. Why the hell am I even wasting words on an asshole. In fact, I'm not wasting time on anyone who left me by the side of the road. I think I may even change my email address soon! Start fresh.

So big things are on the horizon in the next six weeks. I'm not going to share right now since I don't want to jinx anything. Will share as things start to become more solid and routine. I did go to a really fun New Year's Even party thanks to a sweet invite from Richard. I hadn't been to a New Year's party in many moons! The party was one of his friend's apartment on the Upper West Side (one of my favorite areas in the city) and there was a great mix of people. Great food, plenty of drinks, and great party games. Really fun. Thanks Richard! I got home around 4am! Look at me Ms. Party Girl. LOL. I am going to resolve to get out more and socialize more. I will be the bright peacock that mingles! OK. I better go. More tomorrow.

Welcome Madame Winter

2009-12-21T23:48:00.002-05:00

Welcome Madame Winter...so few celebrate her entry each year but I welcome her. There is a time and place for everything. A season for everything. She has a place...as do all of us. Welcome winter! In the resting period, new beginnings form.

My Snow Has Finally Arrived

2009-12-20T18:40:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since my last post. This one will be brief and I'll elaborate more tomorrow. Yesterday we finally had a grand snowfall...about nine or so inches fell here in Brooklyn. I had a chance to go out and play this morning! Walked up to the park, watched the kids play and slide down the hills. I was really happy for them. I did find myself slightly sad just for a moment or two. I found a great spot by the tennis courts and made a really cool snow angel and then proceeded to throw a snowball at a stranger! Couldn't resist! LOL. Was out there for about an hour. Took some photos too. I got some really good shots although I can't download any of them due to my ongoing computer woes...that's a story there. Went over eleven days without my personal laptop by making the biggest mistake of my life calling someone for help...someone I thought I could trust for help. Clearly not. More detail tomorrow. Needless to say I may have to go out and buy a new laptop since I'm even further hindered personally and professionally. There goes treating myself to a brand new television. Guess my already 15 year old tv will be with me for a 16ht year. LOL.

I had fun today. I'm so happy that it snowed and that I haven't lost touch with my inner kid. I hope she stays with me forever. More tomorrow.

Hello Ang

2009-11-15T13:59:00.003-05:00

Haven't been here in awhile. Better get back in touch with myself. Hello Ang. How are you today? I'm feeling much better today then I did for the past week. New migraine medication really put me down for the count and out of sorts to say the least. Between the headaches, nausea, and just overall loopiness I was kind of feeling out of sorts in my own skin. Add to that I got my flu shot with the strain of PMS to boot and that's a recipe for total body retaliation. Ha ha. I'm listening to Miriam's CD right now. So soothing. I like listening to it. I must have heard it at least a dozen times now. Each time sounds so new to me. I'm so proud she is finding her path and that she allows me to be her friend. Her birthday was this past week. I hope she received the card I sent. I wish I could have sent more but with the pending move it's not possible right now but I have something special in mind for her for the future.

I finally started putting the photos from last year's trip into memo albums. So many wonderful memories. I am very fortunate to have had the opportunity to take that journey with my father. So many wonderful sights and experiences to be had in this world! I hope to have many, many more. I'm looking forward to seeing Aunt Ellen soon. Haven't seen them in so long. I love sitting on her porch just spending time with them watching the cars go by. It's hard to explain but it's such a calming feeling to me. I feel connecting there. It's the only time I get to hear about my grandmother and what she was like. Aunt Ellen and my grandmother were sisters. Aunt Ellen says I favor her somewhat. She sounded like a good person.

My brain is going like a hundred miles per minute. Really need to take the garbage out. Yikes...really stinks. LOL. Looks like all of the elements have come together for a great pot of yellow split pea soup. Yummie. Have some cubed ham to add to the mix. Nice! Haven't been really hungry the past few days. I think I'm going to take Mir's advice and incorporate more soups and liquid meals into the mix in my attempts to lose another few pounds. I have to say even though I haven't weighed myself in ages I feel good and think I look damn fantastic! LOL. I'm too sexy for myself! Ha ha. Hey...if I don't think I'm sexy who the hell else will?!?. Seriously though I do feel I look great. OK. better get going. For the most part another quiet Sunday. More later.

Marathon Sunday and All Saints Day

2009-11-01T17:10:00.003-05:00

What a really great day for the NYC Marathon. Higher powers were definitely with the runners....I have no doubt. It's also All Saints Day so my thoughts are on those who are no longer physically here on Earth with us. My mom and I went to cheer on the runners and for the first time I actually personally knew one of the runners. The band stationed on my block was playing the theme to Rocky and as the runners went by I could literally feel them "getting stronger!" I cheered so much that my throat is now slightly sore and hoarse but who cares! Had sooooo much fun! And I really didn't think Jessica would see me out there since I was not at an official ACS cheering station. I cheered from the 4th Ave station last year but this year I didn't want to travel that far when the route was literally two blocks from my house. She indeed saw me holding the Determination sign and came over to give me a high five. In fact, several of the Determination charity runners came over to me. How wonderful. I'm so proud of them as well as all 45,000 NYC runners. One day I will be on the other side of that and actually running it. I hope to be able to make that accomplishment before I turn 40. It was a good day.

In fact, it's been a great few weeks. Work wrapped up on Friday so I guess you could say I'm officially unemployed again but I don't think that will be for long. My last day ended on a really high note with me indeed confirming that I had a 12 year old Pacesetter for the American Cancer Society. Cassidy spent her entire summer working towards fundraising for Strides and raised over $2,500 by herself. She then got her school involved and they raised an additional $1,500. How amazing. I am so happy I had the opportunity to meet this amazing young woman. I am going to personally deliver her official Pacesetter cap and feather boa to her. Simply wonderful all the details of this story...it really is a six degrees of separation tale that really made me feel proud. I normally don't pat myself on the back but on Friday I did....privately of course. LOL. Even if nobody else recognizes my hard work, I will know that I did good and that makes me very happy.

I will maximize on time this week by finally getting to go through my closet and drawers and getting rid of unnecessary clothing...paring down...streamlining. I was able to shred tons of paper on Friday and I think I have one more batch to get rid of and all will be good in paperland. LOL. I think I have books that I can donate to the library. I hate throwing books out. I am getting really excited at the possibility of moving soon. When I got home today I could tell that somebody had keyed in yet again. They are absolutely ridiculous, rude, and disrespectful. As a tenant I have rights too but they seem to ignore that. I hope I'm home the next time they decide to just come in so I can bash whoever comes in...right in the face with the iron! LOL. Only a few more months of this nonsense and the dysfunctional family that lives here can become more dysfunctional! Ha ha.

OK. better go clean up the dishes and then going to relax a little. Have a slight headache, probably PMS related, but other than that I'm ok which is good. More later or tomorrow.

Back to Back Dreams

2009-10-05T21:43:00.002-04:00

It's late but I thought I should write about last night as well as the dream I had the night before while I still remember them. Last night I dreamt that I was at a photo shoot and all of the shots were nudes. There was a room full of women all in different poses. I was still dressed and the photographer was debating where he wanted me to be staged. It's interesting to note that what stands out for me in this dream is that I was thinner and even prettier than I am now. In the dream before, I was at a lunch counter, kind of like what the counter use to be like at Woolworth. I remember seeing my maroon leather wallet on the counter and a woman taking a ten then a five dollar bill out of it. I yelled at her something like what the heck are you doing stealing from me and asking her if she thought I was stupid. She answered back that she knew I am smart and proceeded to hand me the money back plus a twenty dollar bill that she took earlier. That's all I remember. Not sure how to interpret or if I should even be analyzing these dreams but they were interesting nonetheless. I'll ponder them more.

Talked to Aunt Gloria yesterday. She was wondering if I was coming for a visit around Christmas. I hope I can land a great job or great freelance gig so that I can go. It would great to get out of boring NY and spend Christmas and the New Year in Europe. So far airfares are just too high for me to go but let's see what happens. OK. better go. Have to get up early.

Busy Little Bee

2009-10-03T12:03:00.002-04:00

It's been busy the last couple to days. Hard to remember everything to write out in detail right now so I guess it's easier to start with last night/early this morning. Went to see another Fall for Dance show. Finally got to see "Revelations" by the Alvin Ailey Dance Group. Can you say AMAZING?!? What a wonderful performance by all but wow....they were fantastic. I lucked out somehow and got an aisle seat in orchestra. Just like last week the view was perfect. This time around I also was sitting around some really nice people. Mike, Susan, their daughter and granddaughter. One would say they are the cool white people. LOL. They were really sweet. Mike said he has seen Revelations four times....the first time was over 30 years ago. He admitted that he's not an "artsy fartsy" guy but something about that piece really speaks to him. It's truly wonderful how dance art can "speak" to each of us differently. Love it!

Also at yesterday's performance was a piece called Snow. It was a solo Taiwanese performer dancing, reflecting, challenging the snow. I was mesmerized by the piece. A coworker of mine was also at last night's show he had a seat in Orchestra Left and I was in Orchestra Right. During intermission we were talking about Snow. His interpretation of the piece somehow got him thinking about work and our let's say "special" boss. LOL. I saw something else. I saw hurt, a little bit of anger, fighting peace, and surrendering peacefully. Perspective is an amazing thing. After the show Antwon and I went and got late night dessert at Ben Hur. Who knew the hunks of cake were literally that big??? Ha ha. I had to bring half of mine home. We had great conversation and laughs over a range of topics. While we were there guess who walked in and sat at a table across from us? The dancer from Snow! He and his two friends came in for post show coffee. When he was leaving I stopped him and told him how much we enjoyed his performance. Antwon was bummed that he missed him leaving (he had gone to the men's room).

So, needless to say we left the restaurant about midnight and I got home around 1am. During the show, one of my other friends tried calling several times and texted me. He is having roommate issues. We ended up speaking about 1:30 this morning. Difficult situation but I know everything happens for a reason and as I told him what is going on for him is really a blessing in disguise. I can feel it. He will be moving again at the end of the month.

The work week was chaotic as usual due to the head honchos not being organized and last minute but whatever. Just go with the flow to a point. Technically I'll be unemployed again in four weeks if other things don't pan out but I'm not worried. Even though I don't have much I feel good right now even with the family drama. This time my mother is the stress point and something surrounding her health. It's never good when a doctor calls the kid when the parent doesn't listen. It can be draining as parents age. They revert back to children. At least God gave me patience and the awareness to realize certain things. It can be very draining though considering I have my own medical issue to contend with and always having to juggle around not having steady medical insurance. I know for me going to get certain tests and such are really scary at times. Even more scary since I always have to go alone but I am glad that I manage to remain positive about the trajectory of my life (even on the down days).

Last week I volunteered for the SUWN. Got a great pair of what Miriam and I call the "fuck me pumps". LOL. They are very sexy. I love them. Not sure of this wave of confidence and power that has engulfed me but I like it very much. Who knew that power has nothing to do with money? LOL. I'm going to soon work on finding someplace to go and wear this great, simple black dress with those shoes. And it has nothing to do with finding a man. Every once in a blue moon I still think about if I'll ever find a mate or if he'll find me soon but I find now that I don't think about it hardly ever. I haven't given up with I don't worry about it anymore. Whatever will happen will happen. Last week when I went with Richard to see a clairevoiant (sp), the message I got back from the other side was something like, "Yes, and go out in groups". Not exactly sure what that meant. The message came from my father's parents. The medium described my grandmother as a really nice, beautiful woman. I never met her as she passed away when my father was young. I wish I could have met her. She sounded like a good spirit. Oh...my question was "will I find the love of my life soon and will we be happy?"

OK. I better go. Did wake up late, about 10am, and ate a huge bowl of grits. Yummie. Then cleaned up the heaping pile of clothes that gathered over the week on my settee. Still need to tackle the paper pile at the end of the sofa. Next week I'm walking in a charity event and the following week is Making Strides. Also teaching a volunteer training session and finishing the schedule for Jana and her group. Think I also have tickets for Dr. Oz this upcoming week. Need to get a traditional planner back where I can visually see my week. This electronic thing is not working for me. Ha ha. Also think I have a drs appoint. Headache specialist. maybe there might be some new recommendations to get my migraines under control. OK. really better go. Perhaps more tomorrow.

Good Weeks

2009-09-25T23:03:00.001-04:00

It's late so just a quick note. It's been a good couple of weeks. Quiet. Being left alone which now is a very good thing. I think more and more and I am positive I am making the right decisions about everything. Got my usual ticket for one for The Fall for Dance Festival. The show...amazing! More on Sunday about it. Still in awe over this terror plot. Of course all terrorists land back in Brooklyn in some detention center. I have a feeling this was yet another very close call averted. I better go..have to get up early tomorrow for my volunteer shift. More on Sunday.

The Saturday Roundup

2009-09-12T13:16:00.001-04:00

Another week has passed already? Time is starting to really fly. Before you know it it will be 2010! Definitely was another interesting week for me. Since everything happens to me in threes, this week was no exception. Heard from three different people that I thought I would never speak to again. Two of the three decided to text me first to I guess "feel out" what mood I was in. To me it's immature. It's hiding behind technology where the recipient has to limit their response to 160 characters or less. Makes me very angry that folks who claimed to know me think texting is conversation. It isn't. By the way, all three were men. I'm not sure why they would think that after months or years of not speaking that texting is the way to reconnect. Do they think so little of me (or whoever they do that to) that the recipient is not even worthy of a phone call. Or is it that they are scared of rejection? The funny thing is that when I received these initial texts I didn't even know who they were from. I don't hold on to phone numbers of ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, ex anything. I have grown and learned so much about people in the last five years. So many that I thought were friends or people worth knowing really weren't. I have learned that it's ok to feel hurt but not to dwell in it. Some misinterpret my words and read it as victim. They are so wrong. Explaining why they are wrong isn't important since many will never understand my perspective. God truly blessed me with the sense to be able to view things not only from my perspective but others as well. Many don't and won't ever have that ability.

Last week, two others from the past reached out. One even apologized for not being a good friend. Like I told that person, I did feel abandoned but I've learned to move past the issues. My life, just like theirs, continues with or without each other. The funny thing is that with all of these folks, I reached out many times over many different periods. By email, by text, but mostly by phone where I left messages. They simply chose for whatever reason not to respond. One person in particular, in a text, said "well I'm responding now". Gee..I should feel so honored that they decided to spare about 25 characters to let me know. Nothing says I care like a text. LOL. I don't even know why I entertain these messages. Perhaps it just that for me...entertainment. I have learned to amuse myself. Life is indeed too short to worry about others who didn't want my friendship. One or two did and I am happy with that. I believe there are others in my present and future who will want to build meaningful relationships with me. Just keep moving forward. Not backwards. I feel at peace with being alone the like 95% of the time. I found that I really like me. LOL. I always did even on the sad days but I like me even more than ever! I have also found that I still give love even when I often don't get it in return.

I still can't get rid of the slight cough from the cold I have like four weeks ago. Have a doctor's appointment this month to get my flu shot so maybe he could shed some light on what illness is holding my lungs hostage. I feel like 95% fine though. Looking forward to trying to get my "ticket for one" for the upcoming festival. I think I will go to two performances if I can score the tix. Also have to finish my application by tomorrow so that I can submit it on Monday. Have appointments and meetings for the next two weeks. Busy busy. Also saw two positions that look good so have to submit that tomorrow also. Meeting with Jana on Thursday about the PSA project. I'm looking forward to volunteering with her organization. Hope new, productive, paid work comes my way soon. Actually I know it will. I'm a doer and a leader. I feel positive. Good things on the horizon.

OK better get going. It's lunch time. Only had a cup of tea with honey and lemon for breakfast. Maybe more later if I have time.

Labor Day 2009

2009-09-07T19:32:00.002-04:00

Didn't go outside today but it looked like a nice day. Was supposed to walk in the parade but didn't get all of the info I needed to attend from the office organizer. Oh well, perhaps next year. I've been in Brooklyn my whole life yet have yet to attend that parade. Looks like fun but I also don't like crowds for an extended period of time. Just laid low today. Got a great surprise that I will remember for years to come. Miriam helped me reach goal on Strides and my pink ribbon is full! I'm really glad we are friends. She means so much to me. I am hoping that those who decided to join the team and walk will put in at least the minimum as well as get one or two people to contribute to the team effort. I hate seeing zeros on the page...especially when they are really heroes.

Did get all "gourmet" up here over the weekend and tried out new recipes. I saw a good marinade on one of the Food Network shows and tried it out on my chicken. Let it sit overnight and made grilled skewers on the stove top. Turned out fantastic! Whatever guy marries me definitely has to be able to hold his own in the kitchen. Who knew how much I really like to cook considering I rarely cooked until the age of about 30. And to boot...while I'm no Emeril, I can hold my own with some really great tasting meals. LOL. I have an entire box full of recipes to try one day. Need to actually live in a space where I have a real kitchen and not a kitchenette. It's hard working with no counter space. Saw another recipe for a mixed green salad with eggplant croutons...can you say yummie...will be making that tomorrow for Wednesdays lunch with maybe a goat cheese and spinach sandwich. I must be feeling Fall in the air since I'm thinking about food even more. With that I definitely have to think about my workout routine more. It's starting to get darker earlier and soon I won't be able to do my park walks. With boot camp gone I'm going to have to get creative with my own workouts. I get so bored with the same old thing. I would love to take dance lessons or boxing classes or something. Have to be really frugal with money since I still have three more year end donations to make. Big sacrifice but it's worth it. Makes me feel better that I'm doing my part even with little or no significant amount of money.

Oh...before I forget, I guess you could say this week held another surprise. On Wednesday and Friday guys were flirting with me and asked for my number. I, of course, took their number instead and will call to feel them out. Don't want crazies with my number you know. LOL. Not really focused on the boys anymore and they are now just random thoughts every now and then. I'm waiting for "Mr. Right" to find me and I do believe that we haven't met yet. When the timing is right for both of us in our lives, we'll meet. I think it will be sooner than I think but who knows. Right now my focus is finding the next gig or full time that is the right match or else it's back to unemployment in November. I'm kind of hoping that this assignment goes longer for me than what was projected. There are so many work opportunities where my skills fit in nicely. Let's see what happens. I've also started reading up on my financial management info. I'm a little rusty since I don't have to apply this info right now but it's always good to keep up for when the right opportunity comes along.

I still have a slight cough from the cold that plagued me for the last three weeks. Feel tons better though. Going to get another cup of tea with honey and lemon now

Labor Day Weekend

2009-09-06T20:42:00.002-04:00

For the most part this weekend has been a nice, quiet weekend as usual. I have actually grown to enjoy not hearing from anyone or attending a rare activity that I didn't have to plan myself. It's a bit warm up here even though it's pleasantly cool outside. If I had a cross breeze it would be perfect. I may have to turn on the air conditioner. Been watching reports on the current health reform debate. It's interesting that all of the folks opposed to change are those who have health insurance. I wonder if their perspective would be altered if their insurance went away and they didn't have the means to pay out of pocket like the rest of us. Usually those who make the law rarely have to live by it. It will be interesting to see what happens this week. Also. totally sidebar, I find it insane that some people are having an issue with a taped message by the President of the United States being delivered in schools. Are you kidding me? I actually heard the phrase "socialist propaganda." What ever happened to respecting the President even if you don't agree with his views or proposals? Sometimes I wonder if we have too much democracy in this country. I guess I'd rather have that than no democracy at all.

Sent out my last individual emails to folks to see if they can actually spare a few bucks for the latest nonprofit initiative I have joined. I always find it amazing that very few are willing to support even with a bare $1 or $5 yet they can still afford to pay for cable, go out to dinner, etc. I can't remember the last time I was treated to a really great dinner. Two or three folks fall into the exception category where at least they call or make the time to meet up. It really means alot to me since I have now been able to weed out friends from associates.

I found out something interesting about the day I was born. It turns out there was a solar eclipse on that day...about two hours after I was born. Somewhere in a past life I chose to leap into this one in a fiery bang. Very interesting indeed. I think this year I'm going to make a cake and put candles on it...many candles...and blow them out. I can't remember the last time that has occurred. Now that I think about it I don't think that's ever happened. I do remember my 6th birthday and the Wonder Woman cake I had. Hey...maybe I'll get a wonder woman cake (smile).

OK. better go. Still have that volunteer project I have been working on. Need to get my presentation together for next week. Still want to look into Spanish lessons. More tomorrow since it's a day off...don't get paid but at least I have something to work on...then again..when don't I? LOL.

Monday Morning

2009-08-31T08:31:00.003-04:00

I'm still thinking about last night's "Shark Tank." I found myself talking to the television when Barbara Corchoran (sp) was proposing a deal that the other men clearly wanted also. She's very smart. The men always want to have controlling ownership of the product and idea even when they clearly don't deserve it. Bring women before them and they figure that they can take away her ideas and power also. The two women with the playpen guard idea were smart to take Barbara's deal. As Barbara so frankly pointed out to them, some man in her past tried to break her with control and power. I have a feeling the guy who tried to hurt her is not so powerful anymore...at least not in her universe and that type of knowledge can bring any man down. Sometimes I wish I had the type of creative energy it takes to be an inventor. Creating or improving on a product is not necessarily an easy task so I commend all those who do or at least try to. I think my creativity lies in writing. I know there are three good books that need to be brought to page...one of which is a children's book. I better go...at work already and there is much to do. Later.

Sunday with the Sharks

2009-08-30T22:32:00.002-04:00

One of the new "trial" shows that I have found a fascination with is on ABC called Shark Tank. I am amazed by the type of deals the sharks present to the innovators as well as intrigued by some of the ideas that are presented. I'm just in awe and mesmerized by this show. It's late so won't go into detail but I'm feeling it.

Outside was just simply gorgeous today! What a beautiful Sunday. If summer were like that every day I would love it more. However even days like these can never outrank my love of winter!

OK...better go. I'm looking forward to this week. I feel surprises in the mix (something I never have) and I'm feeling they will all be good and welcomed by me. Only time will tell.

Having a Never Say Die Attitude

2009-08-30T12:45:00.002-04:00

It has not gone lost on me that God has been sending me oh so not so subtle messages to never give up even when I have my days of wanting to wallow in sadness. I'm glad he gave me enough sense to pay attention as well as the gift of listening. I get it Lord! LOL. I was feeling a bit down yesterday. This morning CBS was its usual summer repeat so I made sure to tune in to see what Joel Olsteen was preaching. Today's message was as the title post indicates, "Having a Never Say Die Attitude." In a nutshell, the message was to not focus everything on what has happened but rather what will if I keep trying. I especially liked the story he told of the two frogs in the bowl with the cream. In the end one frog didn't make it. I will be the frog that did.

It looks like such a nice day outside. I should walk to the market to get a couple of items. Not sure what I'll cook for dinner tonight. Maybe some pan seared scallops in a brown sauce and a side salad of mixed greens with strawberries and an Italian vinaigrette? As a colleague of mine would say when we sometimes talk food prep, " I'm getting all gourmet. " Ha ha. I happen to like cooking. Guess you could say since it takes heart and soul to make good food, I have heart and soul. Just took out some frozen scallops from the freezer. Scallops it is. LOL. I think I want sorbet for dessert. Will look for a pint at the market. Will be a nice cool treat for the evening.

Heard from Evan this morning. Great news. He and Rachel are expecting a baby in April. Very good to hear they will be expanding their family. Also heard from a former friend the other day. Haven't heard from her in almost a year. I'm not sure what to make of her phone call as I knew on one hand why she called. It's very predictable really. Last time we talked she called to tell me she was dating somebody so knowing her as well as I do, that meant the next time I was going to hear from her would be when there was some man crisis. Hence that was part of the phone call. On the other hand, she also called to apologize for not being a good friend. I'm sure she was sincere however like I told her many have abandoned me under the guise of "being too busy" or that "Angela is the problem." I'm in a place in my life where I don't need to hear empty promises. I realized a long time ago that many will never know that being a true friend sometimes means sacrificing self for another. Not really sure what to make of her phone call but I'm not mad or anything. Just going with how I feel which is at this time is indifferent; could roll with it either way.

Also heard from two loser guys who seem to think I'm just sitting around waiting for them. I believe this is what Steve Harvey would refer to as men who have deemed me sport fish when I'm really a keeper fish. I'm just glad that these were guys who I didn't sleep with and didn't have any real vested interest in based on their lazy, lackluster attitude about dating. Goes back to my debatable argument of why do we really need men? Think about it, scientists are now working on genetically engineering sperm. Once that's done it's a wrap for guys...at least on some level. I can't speak for all women but I still hope to one day have a loving man in my life who treats me with dignity and respect. But if some men complain about paying a bridge toll to see you well....that's not a good thing for male/female relationships. LOL. One of these guys even had the stones to text me asking if he could see me again. Needless to say we won't be seeing one another. As much as I dislike being alone sometimes, I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. Seems like over the last few weeks many have been contacting me after the fact. Strange.

I think I want to head over to The Met next weekend to see some of the exhibits. I've never been there so it would be a good treat. Since it's Labor Day weekend it should for the most part be another quiet one. I don't think I'll go to the parade but we'll see. That's more fun with people. If I can meet up with a new group that wants to take the adventure then maybe. We'll see. I'm also looking forward to a reading that I'm having done next week. Still trying to find my exact place in this world so maybe a reading can shed some light as to why I was brought here at a particular time and location. I'm hoping that in terms of work, love life, and personal happiness the report will be good. One thing that I think is true is that the man who has been designed for me isn't in New York. I think that when I have the opportunity to travel again that is where we will meet or maybe I'll be moving out of New York soon. I could be wrong but it's been years and apparently all of the guys I have met/ been meeting are not him. Nothing could have been more disastrous than the whole O'Neil thing. Think about it...could I have been any more rejected than that? At least it gave me a starting point to bounce back from. I'm sure many other women would have become bitter. I'm not, don't have time to waste on the past especially on a guy who didn't respect or value me enough to tell me the truth...no matter what it was. Same thing applies to personal happiness. The whole thing with Lorraine really bothered me. I really thought she was my friend however it would appear that was not the case. I'm glad that she decided to email out to I guess everyone (whereas I sent email to two people) telling them that she's done with me. I wish her nothing but the best. She'll never know just how painful it was for me that she, like so many others, scheduled me and wasn't as flexible as she thinks. One thing that she was right about...I'm strong. I'll survive and I think very soon, thrive. I can honestly say that up to this moment in my life, I have no regrets about anything from my work life, to my love life, to my friend interaction, to the lose of people I cared about. No regrets whatsoever. I work at my friendships...it's just a matter of time that more will work on them with me. I'm glad I still have a few people in my life.

OK. better go. Times ticking and the sun is out. Later.

Oh What a Week

2009-08-29T20:38:00.003-04:00

I spent just about all day watching Ted Kennedy's funeral mass and burial. What a long day it must be for his family. What a legacy he leaves behind. Always fighting for the underdog. May his soul rest in peace. How weird a day it is that today also would have been Michael Jackson's 51st birthday. I didn't go to the Spike Lee tribute in the park but I'm sure Richard will tell me all about it tomorrow. What a talented spirit he was also. I do believe though that even though his death was ruled a homicide, in the end, he himself aided in his demise. How unfortunate it must be to have so much fortune that you can virtually buy many doctors morality for drugs.

The cold that has seized my system for the last ten days seems to be winding down now. I think I have been able to cough up the disgusting, remaining bit of it. Still have a slight sore throat but feeling much better than last week. Yesterday I went for my dental check up. Was feeling kind of out of it and woke up saying to myself that I really needed a hug. When I got to the office, Althea welcomed me with a warm and genuine hug. She's so sweet. it's as if though she sensed I needed some kindness. It's far and few between that I get a hug. If I really think about it, really the only time I do get hugged is when I see Miriam or every once in a while seeing Lori. So many folks underestimate the power of a hug; simple touch. Sometimes watching, witnessing death that surrounds us makes me wonder if I'm not dead already and just merely a ghost in this version of the world. In a why many already treat me as if though I am not here. When I die I sometimes wonder if anyone will have known that I was here. Guess it really doesn't matter. We are all here until we no longer are.

I feel proud of a small accomplishment that is very visual down the block. I asked the local drug store to sell pink ribbon cards for the upcoming Strides event. I gave them 75 cards to start and in the span of four days, Tony was able to sell all 75 and it raised $91. The cards are proudly posted in the windows and it looks amazing. I can't tell you how special it feels to see many in the community take the time to spend a dollar or two to support. They took the time and it makes me feel honored that they did even if they don't know how or who is behind the cards. Nobody will know except for my supervisor when I turn in the money on Monday but I'll know and that makes me smile. While I will probably fail yet again at reaching goal on my Strides effort simply because I don't have a network of friends and supporters, it's good to know that in some small way I have succeeded towards the cause.

It was for the most part quiet this Saturday. I did take a hot shower and relax. Do wish I was out having fun but I didn't feel like being out alone again. Next week for sure I'll treat myself to something fun and interesting. Richard was really nice to treat me to a movie on Thursday. The movie (Adam) was really good. I want to get the soundtrack. OK...don't really feel like writing today but will tomorrow. I think I'll write Althea a note to mail on Monday. God answered my thought...I really needed that hug.

Saturday the Repeat

2009-08-08T10:23:00.002-04:00

It looks so nice outside. Headed out in a few minutes. Good day on deck scheduled. Going to do my laundry to get that out of the way and then later head out to a baseball game. Always fun. Today I think I'll actually get a hot dog, fries, and a nice cold coke. LOL. Maybe if I'm feeling generous with myself I'll even get a box of cracker jacks. LOL. On Thursday I went to a sing along in the park which was soooooo...much fun! It was a showing of Purple Rain with sing along cues to all the songs. Way cool. And the moon! Oh my goodness....the moon hanging over the park was simply gorgeous! Breathtaking. I'm glad I went out. I'm really enjoying the summer. Unlike many other summers I've really made an effort to get out and enjoy everything.

I didn't have time to get back to the other post that I titled but didn't comment but I will maybe on Sunday or Monday. I better get going...time waits for no one.

Richard Leroy Walters

2009-08-04T08:48:00.000-04:00

Wonderful August

2009-08-01T11:30:00.003-04:00

My mini-journey was wonderful. Nobody knows where I've been and nobody ever will and that feels great. I've been sleeping pretty well for the last month or so and I feel especially at peace. Today will be an adventure at one of the local beachs to wander around and it's also first Saturday so will head over to the museum if I make it back in time. I wonder if this is what it feels like for other nomads like me. Wandering around; wondering. Summer is almost over. Still have so much more stuff to take care of. The good thing is even if I don't get to it only I will know what was and wasn't done. I better go before more time escapes.

What makes one Healthy?

2009-07-20T08:16:00.004-04:00

When President Obama selected Regina Benjamin to be the next Surgeon General I didn't think there could be anyone who would have something negative to say about his selection or her. Should have known better. Yesterday I was reading comment that some questioned if she should be in charge considering that obesity is one of the big issues in America. Some were questioning Benjamin's placement because they believe her BMI is high. I have never heard such nonsense in my life! So education, compassion, and determination can be pushed to the sidelines because some moron doesn't see a thin woman at the health helm. Ridiculous. When Dick Cheney was tapped to be the running ticket with Bush, there was no big stink about his poor health history and shady dealings in corporate America. The man has had like three heart attacks and could stand to lose a few pounds himself. As for Benjamin's position, when all of those chubby, white men were appointed there never was a peep about their BMI. C. Everett Coop looked like he was waiting to explode out of his shirt most of the time. I can't even remember seeing his neck either...well maybe that's because his beard got in the way....but still...he wasn't thin.

That's why I'm working hard to continue losing the weight. I don't need the security blanket anymore. Tired of people using that as an excuse or a label to describe me. It's a superficial way of excluding. The funny thing is I feel beautiful just the way I am. While many can't and will never see me, I do. It's been going on for awhile. Even with all of my mixed feeling, I still feel from within that a really great spirit is housed within me. Many will never get to know her but I know she's there. Anyway. I'm going to disappear for awhile maybe forever. Not sure if/when I will blog again. I'm reminded of a great quote by Gandhi that says, "Be the change you wish to see in this world". It's tough to live up to but I try. I feel like I get penalized for doing what's right as opposed to what's easy but I guess if I'm doing what's right then it's not a punishment whatever the outcome because it's what's meant to be. I better go.

Freedom Day

2009-07-03T13:30:00.005-04:00

I guess I should start out by saying thank you to the two anonymous readers out there who took time out to read and comment. I'll comment with the most recent in which the poster commented that most of my blog has a "victim" mentality. While I don't like to use the word victim in that capacity, I would have to agree in some small regard. To me, victim implies some form of tragedy (big or small) that has affected ones spirit...being. So in that regard, yes, I am a victim. From my perspective though, I am a victim of optimism. So many take friendship and time for granted. Many believe that with science and technology we live forever. I never forget that we all were born and we all will die. It's as simple as that. What we do in the middle of the process is up to a higher power and the decisions we choose to make while here on Earth.

I took the time to choose friends and dare I say actually work on it. Unfortunately, since friendship is a two way street, I have found that those who I allowed into my life appear to have not wanted me in there life. It's not a complaint, just a reality. I don't know about you but I'm a human being with feelings. I actually like spending some modicum of time with people. Real time....not drop me an artificial email every now and then because one is too lazy to find time. We have time until we don't. Did you know that I actually have an anniversary? Five years ago I spent three days in the hospital...alone. Had a pretty major surgery that may have to be repeated sometime in my lifetime. It's on my mind every day that some take for granted that Angela will be alive forever. I won't. Just like they won't. People knew but it fell on a holiday so there was no time for anyone to even pick up the phone and call to see how I was doing. Yes. My cell phone was on. It reminds me of my birthday just about every year. Almost everyone is too busy celebrating Christmas to acknowledge the day I came into this world. Is it lonely...absolutely. But the funny thing is, I've learned to deal with it and keep it moving. I don't need therapy. I need friends who can actually find time to work on friendship. I make the time, so I expect them to at least try. Very few actually do. So I disagree with you about new friends. For me, new friends will help if old ones don't wish to be in my life and me in theirs...if they are willing to do the work that is involved with any relationship. If not, then I keep on being. Don't get me wrong, I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I'm all for it for certain things. For me and my circumstance, this isn't a therapy moment. A therapy moment for me is dealing with another round of painful tests alone and not being sure if I am making the right decisions. Not having a feeling that I can trust anyone to actually listen....to care and make me feel like I am loved....warts and all. I can't get that warm and caring feeling from an email or ten minute phone call from someone who squeezed me in between their walk to the car on their way to hanging out with the boy or headed to the airport.

Which actually brings me to the first comment posted. I have done alot of soul searching. Yes, I did create this reality by allowing others to think it's ok to not spend any time with me. I always let them use the "busy" excuse and that I understand. While I do..I also believe that if something is important one will make the time. I have even when some things really were a sacrifice in time and money. Nothing is ever 50/50 however it starts to get very frustrating when one is always on the "short end of the stick". The reality that I am creating now is that I am always put to a high standard...I now require that the same standard that is applied to me I apply to others. So while I continue to evolve, others need to evolve also. While there are always areas of improvement for each of us, I do feel in my heart that I walk the walk and talk the talk. I am me and I feel beautiful being me. Do I get down, absolutely. But I also generate goodness for myself and share it with others. When I cry I feel better afterwards; when I am angry, I write; when I'm happy, I write; when I dance in the middle of my kitchenette/bedroom/living room I feel great, when I laugh that I did something totally silly, I feel wonderful. My blog is me. I'm real. So thank you for more deep thought. Believe me when I say I have thought about it many times. The right people will eventually make their way into my life. If they don't, then at least I know I was here.

I went with my mother yesterday to a new doctor visit. On one hand I'm a bit scared of what will come back. Nobody wants to hear the word recurrence. On the other hand I'm glad I was able to find a better doctor that where she was going as it give her a good chance of remaining well as well as gives me optimism that should I have to face the same circumstances I can indeed deal with it. Let's hope for the best. Won't know anything until next week or the week after.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was about seven months pregnant. I was having a conversation with my husband and he was asking me what I think the sex of the baby was going to be. My response was it's a girl. That's the second time I've had a dream like that. It's always interesting to me because for right now since as I have always said I'm dating challenged. And that reality is my once source of pessimism. I've been alone for a very long time. Pair that with family and friends who don't spend any significant time and that could be a recipe for disaster. Instead, I chose to speak up and say how I feel as well as continue to follow what interests me. I continue to roll with the punches and learn each step of the way. Will some of my dreams come true..only time will tell. While I don't have any shoulder to cry on I know that when I cry and am down it's a good thing because it makes me stronger and removes a bit more sadness so that more goodness can come in. I better get going...treating myself to a movie. It will be another quiet weekend but it's a good one to write. Have a great Freedom Day. More next week.

Unwritten

2009-06-27T13:00:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning knowing I gave it all I got with my friendships. I'm now down to two. It's been a very deep, thought provoking couple of months for me. In fact, I would have to say that pretty much nobody really knows what's on my mind except for me. I've been so scheduled by many that I have found that I'm angry alot when I think about it. While I do understand that many have tons of things going on in their lives, it really bothers me that with the exception of one or two, I have to be put on a calendar weeks, if not months out for events like meeting up for coffee or catching a move. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Since when did life get so complicated that we can't even spend time together spontaneously anymore? I know many would say the usual, "kids, wife, life, work, etc." however it's really just an excuse. The only caveat is distance and health. Obviously if one lives in another state or physically can't be in the same time and space that's different in my opinion. Then people get mean with me when I express how I actually feel. Instead of listening they tell me to go and find other stuff to do. Never has there been an option of an invitation to meet up the next day or a long conversation on the phone. No, it's always go spend more time by yourself Angela. I love spending time with myself. I just didn't know that I'm supposed to spend an entire lifetime on this planet not really interacting with anyone but rather just doing surface smalltalk. Who knew?

A couple of months ago I was told that if I needed help all I had to do is ask. I did ask. So many didn't listen. Didn't help. They didn't even realize that helping would not have cost them anything except a little bit of time...time to actually make me feel like they actually cared. That's free. It really does make me sad sometimes knowing that I'm limited to expressing feelings on a computer blog. A blog can't give me a hug when I really need one or reassuring words when a particular day is harder than the day before. Oh well. I better stop at that before I start complaining.

I don't want to waste time complaining. I don't wish to be angry anymore. I will no longer make anyone a priority when they only consider me an option. We are only here for a short time and then we are gone to the next place we are supposed to be. I feel that for each of us the journey is the most interesting part of the trip. Sometimes I feel like I've been here before and that I already know what is going to happen...but I don't know. Just a feeling. I told my parents that if they are alive and I die that they are not to even notify anyone I know until after I have been cremated, ashes scattered. They have been instructed to not even hold a funeral. They think I'm crazy. I'm not. I made the comment once that if many can't find any time to spend with someone in life, why be there in death? Don't waste the time. I still hold to that philosophy. I'm not saying all of this to frighten but rather just being realistic and responsible. Most take for granted that someone will really know what a close loved one would want out of life until their end. I do not have that so for right now I have to document such wishes on paper and legalize it. There currently isn't anyone to speak for me that knows. I think it's some type of miracle that I've survived so far. It's so easy to let days slip by without interacting with people. Never would I have thought that my existence would not mean anything really. When I die it will be as if I was never here. While I don't know when my time will be up, at present many would not know if I were gone. I gotta get over that. Guess that is currently what is meant to be. And so it goes.

I'm rambling again. I better get going. Go out and get some sunshine while it lasts. Maybe I'll treat myself to a movie. Not sure what's playing but I'm sure I can find something. Can't believe next week is Independence Day. I think I'll spend the weekend writing.

Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T22:12:00.003-04:00

I'm stunned. I think over the last four hours I have gone from stunned to sad to stunned some more. Surreal. I cannot believe that Michael Jackson has passed away. I literally started crying when Jermaine made the brief press conference a few moments ago. My heart is heavy. While alot made fun of Michael Jackson, I viewed him as highly creative, interesting, and resilient. It always does feel like those who are the most expressive and true to themselves leave this Earth way too soon. He phrased it very well...Gone Too Soon.

More Celebrity Dreams

2009-06-15T08:33:00.002-04:00

Don't have time to go into detail this morning (as usual). But here are the tidbits and I'll have to revisit the post later. Latest dream involved Heidi Klum and I riding bicycles in like ten feet of snow. Made no sense. Regular bikes not mountain bikes. Also remember walking to get a tennis ball from across the street and finding frozen kittens in a box and feeling so sad for the little kittens. Totally weird dream. OK. gotta go. Will revisit later. When the heck is all this rain going away? It's June!

Busy Bee

2009-06-06T10:58:00.001-04:00

Goodness...the last two weeks felt extra busy for me even though there wasn't too much "extra" in those days. This week in particular I only worked out twice because of weather and increased pain in my foot, literally. Have to get past the injury since I only have about 70 days left to reach goal. Start PT in the week after next so that should help. I'm a bit worried about that since it's going to cost me $60 a week for six weeks. You do the math. That's almost $400 bucks that could go towards the fundraising component of the race since I'll be responsible for anything less than the fundraising minimum of $1,100. I am so happy to have those who took the time to donate. With that I must say that I am also a bit disappointed that others couldn't even spare $20 bucks. I know I don't know other people's circumstances but I guess from one of my perspectives, I'm underemployed with very little income coming in and I was still able to contribute that amount. I just don't know. Makes me wonder but then again, I don't want to make time to think about it.

While trying to accomplish this goal will cost me almost one thousand dollars (PT plus the $600 not raised) it's worth it. I'm where I'm supposed to be. My mother's cancer is back. We won't know more about course of treatment until one more test comes back. Makes me think about what will happen if I ever get diagnosed. I hope that never happens but in all likelihood it just might since it seems my body is now working against me for not having given birth to children. The type of cancers I'm prone to have a higher incidence in women who have never been pregnant. I sometimes feel mad about that since it feels like a punishment for being so unacceptable to a mate. But then again I shouldn't think that way but every now and then I do....can't help it. I'm human with feelings. Anyway, I should bring it back to the positive. My mother has great medical insurance so that helps. Let's hope for the best. OK. I better go. Haven't been food shopping in several weeks. Today will be a backbreaker day since I'll be restocking. Nothing like going to Costco and then hauling everything up three flights of stairs. At least I can afford food. Very good thing. For some crazy reason I still think I will be in Paris this Christmas. Not sure how I will make that happen but it's been in my brain for the past three months. I know many go during the spring but I don't have a problem with going in the off season. It's still an adventure. OK....really better go. So much more to share but no time. Later.

Happy June!

2009-06-02T08:56:00.003-04:00

I'm on the way out the door as usual but just a quick blurb. It's June...half the year down...another six months of adventure to go. LOL. Was totally exhausted and busy the past few days between workouts and going out. Applied for a few positions that I think would be a good fit. More stuff is opening up now which is good. I suspect its because alot of nonprofits see that when you slice and dice there is only so much the staff in place can do. Oh...before I forget, the actor that I was in the elevator with the other day is in the John Travolta, Denzel Washington movie coming out this month...Pelham 123. I think his last name is Tutturo. Still haven't looked him up but he was nice. Seemed like a down to earth type of guy.

Anyway better get going. Looks like rain outside. Have my doctors appt and then hair appt. I think I'm going to cut my hair again. Still haven't decided. Have a couple of hours to figure it out. Oh...and at work, it's like I'm a rock star or something. Crazy...I've been trying to fly under the radar but turns out they all seem to like me there. I'll still try to hang back, work, and not get tied up in office politics. Tell you more about this latest freelance experience. Out of all of the freelance positions I enjoy this one the most. Learning so much good! OK better go. Later.

Kung Foo Anyone

2009-05-28T09:07:00.002-04:00

Really fast post since I'm on my way out the door but I didn't want to forget...here's the latest dream. I think this is the most amount of dreams I've had in a good spell. In this one I was walking home from the market and stumbled onto an active movie set where some type of action sequence was being filmed. I got caught in the middle of taping and they kept going for a while even though it was obvious I didn't match the scene. When the director yelled cut, he came over to me and actually invited me to sit in and watch for the day. He was also flirting with me (of course the director in my dreams is a hot black guy...lol.) OK. no time to finish. will pick up with this later.

Have another "coffee date". Maybe its bad that I'm so cynical of these types of meets and greets. Let me put on my optimist lens...I get a free cup of iced coffee....maybe...ha ha. This guy's name is Chris. Let's see how this goes. Will dish on this tomorrow.

Jury Duty

2009-05-26T09:03:00.000-04:00

I swear "the man" likes to keep track of me. LOL. I get called for jury duty highly systematically. While I have not problem with jury duty per se, it is always at the wrong time, wrong season. I don't believe in this economy they should call students, the unemployed, the underemployed, and the elderly. Yet for the most part that's who they call on all the time. Oh well, what can you do but go and hope they street you in two days.

It looks so nice out but I know the rain is coming. Yesterday was beautiful! Went walking at the park with Lori. Did about three and a half miles. Saw some adorable children and some adorable dogs. Of course I'm on the wrong side of the hour so I gotta go. Maybe more later. Was invited to drinks with a group. Not sure yet if I will head into the city. We'll see. Adios.

Still Dreamin Away

2009-05-24T14:50:00.002-04:00

Last night's dream was pretty interesting...just as interesting as all the other ones so far. In this latest out of body experience, I found myself laying naked in some guy's bed. I remember it was morning and I was in a room with large floor to ceiling windows draped in light, white, airy summery type window treatments. The room was mostly white. I also remember laughing and having a conversation this guy. I don't remember a face or a name to go with it. In the next dream I was in a room kicking out two boys playing guitar. It was as if I knew them...like they were my kids or something. Tweens. That's all I remember from that part. In the last dream segment, I remember running around the park. It was as if it were my usual evening run. I remember encountering a steep bank of stairs to climb. It was dark. When I got to the top I remember feeling strong and proud. I don't remember anymore of the dream. Overall I'm going to say that was a pretty good out of body experience. LOL. I wish all of my dreams were similar. A couple of nights earlier I remember having a dream about spiders. I don't like spiders.

Anywho...it's really warm up here. I should go outside. More later or tomorrow. Wanted to get those thoughts down while they were still fresh in my brain.

Dreamin Away

2009-05-23T22:12:00.002-04:00

Had yet another dream last night/early this morning. Its been a week of dreams. Not sure what's different but I seem to remember most of them. In this latest dream, I was having a conversation with Miriam. We were standing on sand and water was flowing through it. It was kind of like standing on the beach and the feeling of water at my feet like when a wave breaks and water is rushing back to the ocean. At the bottom of this man made "water island" was a military truck with soldiers loading something. They were in the distance. Surrounding this island was green shrubs and an openway that led to open flat land like a desert. I remember her saying to me that she doesn't prefer to enter the place where we were standing from one particular side. I think it was the desert side. It kind of felt like Miriam owned this property. The water at my feet felt good...like good energy. That's all I remember. Kind of weird dream I know. I don't quite know what to make of it. Will have to ponder it some more.

Boring Saturday as usual. I didn't feel like going outside today even though it was a nice day. Washed my hair and then eventually did go to market to pick up a couple of things and then came home and didn't do much except write out thank you cards to those who have donated towards the race. I can only hope that others will step up and donate also otherwise I'm on the hook for the difference not raised since there is a fundraising minimum. I still find it ironic that even underemployed me can afford to contribute a little but others cannot. Maybe it's their way of telling me "FU Ang". Oh well...what can you do. Life goes on. Just helps me continue to build on my non-existence. Maybe I'll stay up late and read tonight. How boring. OK. going back to watching Iron Chef. I like watching the cooking shows...always something interesting to watch and try eventually.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-22T22:38:00.003-04:00

Well I guess it's the unofficial start to summer. To me it's just another boring weekend. I still haven't been able to figure out how to fill the void so to speak. Really...there is only but so much one can do alone. At this point I should be living on a deserted island. Oh wait...I do! Kind of. Even though I don't live in the city, it's like being on an isolated island here in Bklyn. It still amazes me that I could literally die and chances are if it happens on a weekend nobody would know until at least three or four days later. Quite frankly, I don't really think anybody would know since my immediate family doesn't know how to reach anyone I know. With the exception of three or four people, I deleted everyone else out of my gateway to the world...my phone. Why bother having them in there if they never call or care. You could say my attitude is that of that I drifted into this world at an inconvenient time and I'll drift right out of it at an inconvenient time...which in today's world is anytime.

Surprisingly, I feel really good despite everything to date. I feel like I should be traveling someplace. Seeing something different, something new. I've been having all of these strange dreams over the last three days. Yes another "celebrity" dream. I can't remember which celebrity this time since the dream was a couple of days ago. I do remember waking up saying when am I going to meet these folks. LOL. The other day on my way into work I was standing in the elevator with a movie star. I won't say which one but another woman in the elevator did ask him what he's working on now and he responded that he has a couple of projects in the works. I love that Hollywood response. You never know if it's true or not. That's why I like it. In this particular guy's case I am pretty sure we will see him on the big screen again soon.

It's really hot in here. I think I'm going to turn on the A/C for a bit. Icewater is only helping a little bit. My foot still hurts but hopefully between the stretches and the splint it will get better soon. OK. better go off into the land of the dead aka...the weekend plus one. Maybe more tomorrow.

Going to Bed

2009-05-19T22:41:00.001-04:00

Obviously I didn't get back to my previous post and I'm really tired. Will revisit all of this tomorrow. Have my podiatrist appt so hopefully there will be good news on that front. Goodnight.

The Medicare Mess

2009-05-19T09:03:00.002-04:00

I got into an in interesting debate with my father last week about the Medicare mess. I keep telling him that if I make it to the government's retirement age for my group, which is 67 years of age, medicare will not be in existence. He refuses to believe that. I told him that according to government projections medicare will be insolvent by 2017. Again he refuses to believe that. I'd be amazed if medicare still has money in the system by 2014! I have to go now but will pick up this post midday and tell you more about the debate we had.

Quiet Monday and Green Library Cards

2009-05-18T22:08:00.002-04:00

Nothing to report today. All quiet on the Monday front. Walked this morning and walked home today. Did head into the library to look around since I hadn't really looked around in years. On my way out I noticed that everyone's library card was green so I asked at customer service if my old card would still be functional. Surprisingly the answer was no. I've had my library card since I was six. It's maroon. The guy at the issuing booth told me he can't even remember when they issued those cards. I know when I got it...it was 1980 to be exact! LOL. My library card was outdated. Ha ha. Looks like I am a bit green to the new library system. LOL. So I got my new card today. I'm going to hold on to the old one for a keepsake. There were a couple of audiobooks that I saw that I think I will check out on Thursday. I've never tried audiobooks but why not try now...it's free and since the library is so close easy to return.

I'm still debating if I'm going to cut my hair short for the summer. I'm getting really bored with it now. Maybe I'll continue to grow it out and lighten it. Still debating. Decisions decisions. LOL. Have my podiatrist appt this week. The pain in my right heel has diminished but with the increased walking the pain is intermittent. I'm a bit leery to run since I'm not sure if I'll be causing more harm. Will find out soon. Two more donations came in today after I sent my follow up email. I'm glad some folks have taken the time to show support financially. Still have about three quarters of the money to raise. I hope I can raise it all before the end of June so that I can focus solely on the training. I'm on the hook for the funds not raised up to $1,100. That's alot for me since I don't have steady income yet. Well the good news is that if others don't step up to contribute I'll know that I believe in me and so will my credit card. I'm sleepy but still waking up around 6am. At least I'm getting in about seven hours of sleep. Hope that keeps up. Did have a bad nightmare the other day. Some guy was trying to attack me and I remember defending myself with a hanger. I remember being really scared but also remember successfully defending myself. I hope nothing like that ever happens to me in real life (getting attacked in some way, shape or form). OK better brush my teeth and get some sleep. More tomorrow.

The Phone Call

2009-05-17T22:29:00.001-04:00

So here's 0ne of the funniest, as in crazy, family stories to date. About 4:30 or so my mother and I were sitting eating dinner before she needed to drive me home. The phone rang and as always she feels compelled to answer even though she herself said she didn't want to be bothered. The call lasted a total of about one minute. When she hung up she laughed and then told me that it was my sister calling to tell her that she put a glass beer bottle in the freezer and for my mother to take it out before it burst. Here's the kicker...my lazy sister was calling from her bedroom upstairs!!! She spent an hour out in the yard cleaning her truck but she was too lazy to walk down 15 steps to take a bottle out of the freezer herself! I literally said to my mother as she got up from her dinner plate to comply to my sister's demand that not only is "Debbie a dumb ass but that you are equally a dumb ass for doing it!" That was my exact quote. It always amazes me that my mother will do anything for her precious first born yet she simply doesn't trust her with important things like paying bills, cleaning house, paying rent and taxes. I'm pretty sure my mother is banking on that job being my responsibility. Don't you know I was born with a job already. I'm supposed to take all the crap while Debbie gets to just sit around and do nothing but be selfish. My response to alot of things these days is, "Ask Debbie to do it for you". I know she doesn't like that but I don't care. It's not respectful to me to say that my sister and I are equal when all Debbie does is take care of herself. How does someone like her get to live rent free, work a 50K per year job, and spend all of her money on stupidity and still not be able to clean up her financial messes? One word...enabled. Both of my parents do it. I refuse to be a part of it. My father told me in conversation that a few weeks ago my sister called him asking for 20k for some business venture. He loaned her some money. Throwing bad after bad. Meanwhile I never ask my parents for money...ever. I do without. I pay all of my own bills including rent, food, student loans, everything. Even holding my own all I hear is "Debbie needs help". How much freakin help does she need?!? I better stop now before I really go off. It's disgusting.

Anywho...it's late. Didn't do much this weekend except laundry. It's going to be nice and cool tomorrow so walking will be good. I find myself still feeling hungry just after 9pm or so. I think since I haven't been getting in enough veggies that's working against me and then I find myself eating fruit really late in the day. I think I'll make spinach tomorrow. OK..better go to bed. It's late. More tomorrow.

Boring Weekends Go Away

2009-05-16T12:30:00.000-04:00

Woke up with this nagging sore throat again. I don't feel sick or anything just slightly tired. Looks like rain off and on this weekend especially into tomorrow morning. Lori and I were supposed to go walking at the park again but looks like that's out this weekend. Will have to make one of the weekday workouts a long walk. I think Monday would be good since it will be cool outside. Good to walk in the morning, then during lunch, and then the long walk in the evening. I still can't believe that the other day I walked over 16,000 steps in one day. Haven't done that since last year's big trip. I walked alot on that trip and even lost a little weight. Who would think you could lose weight on a cruise but you can! LOL. I've been thinking about where I want to go at year's end. Paris is still popping into my head. I hope I can make this happen financially. Still trying to figure out how to increase my grantwriting skills so that I can freelance that part of me out also. Still have to figure out how to pick up again with my student loan since every day back in deferment means more interest accruing. The gov't is the biggest loan shark going. LOL. Oh well, what can you do. I am still waiting to read more about their new initiative to discharge parts of student loans for time served in the nonprofit sector. I definitely qualify and that would help tremendously. With the loan gone I can maybe focus on owning my own space. That, like traveling, would bring me great joy and happiness.

Didn't and won't get a chance to get back to the previous post since I'm on my way out the door in a few minutes. I know I keep saying it but I need to get out more and find more fun, solitary, affordable things to do. Good news is summer is right around the corner so there will be tons more of free stuff to do. Downside is all of this free stuff, like so many other things, are more fun enjoyed with others. Like I said I enjoy being alone but it really sucks sometimes. Oh well. No use complaining about it. I'll be dead soon enough and then I won't have to think about it anymore. I better go. Laundry won't do itself. More maybe tomorrow night.

More Snow in the Forecast

2009-05-15T09:01:00.002-04:00

No time right now since I'm three minutes out the door but I had to leave myself a marker otherwise I'll forget. Had another snow dream. This time there was only about an inch or so on the ground and I was in a sea of houses...like I was looking for a particular address. At one point I was having a conversation with a director of an AIDS nonprofit (can't remember the name he said) but I remember he was with two little boys about seven and maybe three. I remember not repeating back the name in front of the boys. More to this dream but I gotta go. Will revisit post later.

A Dog of A Day

2009-05-14T22:43:00.002-04:00

Of all the news stories that I saw today the one that stood out the most was about an injured dog on the Major Deegan. One dog was hit by a car and lay in the road injured, another dog stood guard protecting the injured...so much so that he wouldn't let rescuers approach for a good while. Wow! Just amazing what four legged animals can remind us humans. Wish people would be protective. More kind and loving.

Today was a pretty good day. Just slightly sore but slept really good last night. Was beat. Another weekend approaches already. Going to try and get in a class tomorrow. Added another walker to my group. More motivation. Perfect.

Had a crazy dream early this morning. It's late now. will share tomorrow since it's late and I'm tired. Better go to sleep.

16,791 Steps

2009-05-13T22:59:00.003-04:00

Well...I thought I would have time today to get back to my earlier post but I didn't. Whew...what a day. I make it point to be in constant motion when possible and boy did those steps add up! According to my pedometer I walked the equivalent of 7.81 miles today. Holy cow! The goal obviously is to get that distance (and more) consecutively in the weeks leading up to the race. I walked to the office which is uphill. It seemed like everyone wanted to walk with me today. Who knew I was so cool? LOL. During lunch Olga asked me to walk with her so we headed into the park and walked just under two miles. And then later in the day Sabrina asked me if I was going walking after work and I said yes and she asked to join in. We ended up doing the long loop inside the park which is a 3.5 mile walk. It's very beautiful when you get over to the lakeside. We even saw a falcon with something it killed in it's mouth. Good walking day. The air was crisp and the sky was bright even at 6pm. Lot's of people were in the park walking, biking, and of course running. On my way back some older guy tried hitting on me. LOL. What is it about me that attracts the too young or too old and definitely not my type??? Oh well what can you do except try to be a crafty and polite as possible without crushing the dude.

Took a long hot shower when I got in just after 8pm and finally took a picture of me and my bright red shirt. Posted it on the training page. Hope it inspires others to donate and support. Feel slow going but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm tired. Should sleep well I hope tonight. Heather and I are supposed to go to the training session in Central Park tomorrow but I don't think I'm going if it's going to rain. I can be hard core and not care about the rain but I'm not feeling walking/jogging in the rain tomorrow. OK. Better wind down and rest my old bones. More tomorrow.

Another Walk in the Park

2009-05-13T08:56:00.002-04:00

Literally going to walk in the park again today. Looks like it's going to be a good day outside so might as well walk in there and see how nice of a day everyone else is having. LOL. I have a slight headache but I think that's because I keep waking up at 6am and then falling back asleep. Wish I had someone to walk with me at that time but alas I don't yet. While it's daylight at that hour, not many people are outside thus making it a safety issue. If I get hurt or turn up missing nobody would know about it for a few days. That's pretty bad but what can I do except work around it and try to be safe. I better get moving. More later maybe during lunch.

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

2009-05-12T08:59:00.002-04:00

For the most part I slept pretty well and woke up about 6am. I like the way 6am sounds. Quiet, just a hint of awakening about to come. Peaceful. I thought more about my ramblings yesterday. I think I must be tired. I'm a fighter. Always have been. Always will be. I should continue to fight for me. All of the aloneness, perceived setbacks, sometimes sadness is really meant to keep me strong. I believe in me. What more could I possibly need??? I should really just be saying Thank you to everyone I meet for with each person there is a lesson to learn. I really do think I was some type of female warrior (dare I say warrior princess...lol) in one of my previous lives. God knows I feel like while here on Earth I have already lived about five lives. Maybe I'm suppose to live four more like a cat and then move on. I better get a move on right now and get to work. Later.

Twitter Mania

2009-05-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

I can't stress it enough that while technology is a great thing...it is also a very, very bad distraction at times. This whole Twitter phenomenon is, in my opinion, stupid. Have we as human beings gotten so ADD that now we must send text messages of 160 characters or less about basically nothing relevant in life? It seems phones are now being used for everything EXCEPT actually calling others to hear their voices! If nobody has time to do anything where are they finding the time to tweet??? I think the whole thing is absurd but what can you do...more and more folks don't actually want to interact with human beings. Go figure. I still do but what can I say except I'm a dinosaur who is forced to "adapt" to a degree. Obviously I don't hate technological advances since I blog however blogging for me is actually a response to the lack of truly meaningful human interaction. With hardly anyone to talk to, blogging is a way of talking to myself or any random stranger who stumbles past the page on any given day or time. You could say blogging is also a form of "pre-writing" for me. There are at least three books living inside my head. I hope before I die that I am able to get them to the page and that others enjoy reading my words.

I wasn't feeling 100% yesterday and today. I think I have some type of lite allergy or something. Was sneezing throughout the day and my throat has been slightly sore. Don't feel congested or anything so I hope whatever this reaction my body is having stays on the tame side. I don't have time to be sick or injured. Only 96 days left until the race and on the fundraising side it is going slowly. If I don't raise the funds I am on the hook for the difference I didn't raise. That's a lot of money for a freelancer like me but I'm not going to worry about it. I had hoped by now that more people who knew me would have supported but they have not. it's a bit disappointing but what can you do. It's like i' dead already to most of the folks I know so that just means I have to try harder to get support from strangers. I'll have to see if some of the local businesses I patronize will support. I hope so.

I've been thinking about joining a dating site again. I'm never optimistic on meeting new guys via the internet but since I'm "dating challenged" I figure at some point there has to be a few winners out there. I'm a little scared that I no longer have visions of having a home or family of my own. I don't even have visions of living beyond the next two decades. I don't think I'm giving up...just don't see any graspable hope on certain fronts. Makes me a little sad. I don't want to be a recluse but I don't know what else to do anymore. When I don't try I'm isolated, when I do try I'm isolated. While I do like being alone sometimes, it really brings me down being by myself all the time. I don't know, maybe I need to just change and create an alter ego who sleeps around and doesn't bond with anyone. Maybe that's easier. I don't know. I've been keeping myself busy but some things for me just aren't fun without people to talk and share some of these experiences with. I'm rambling and I guess complaining so I better stop.

Going to make it a point to walk my 10,000 steps tomorrow. Need a surprise or something. Since I have to create my own surprises I think I'll buy a box of haircolor and surprise myself with whatever shade I pick! I'll do that during the early afternoon and then take the long way home. OK better get some sleep.