Fall and Falling in New York

It was a classic fall day here in the city. The sun was brilliant. The air crisp. Lately I've been feeling a bit down. The change in weather, season makes my mood even more heightened. The Christmas tree lighting is next week. I love Christmas. I was hoping I would be celebrating the end of 2005 with someone special. Yet again..not my year in the love life sense. How is this possible? Maybe I was really, really bad in a previous life. I don't think so but you never know. I think that hormonal, "clock is ticking" thing is kicking in. One of my other friends told me when she was my age she was still single and just passing a baby in a stroller made her cry like a baby. I have to admit I get a bit down seeing other produce offspring. I'm happy for them but it stirs up all these crazy emotions and questions. Will I ever meet my counterpart? Will I ever have kids? Will I be alone in this lifetime? Will I be happy?

Lately I've been wanting to get out and explore. There are so many things I want to do before I leave this Earth. I actually came up with 92 things on a list of 101 things to do before I die. Some of the stuff is crazy, some practical. I started working on the list. I want to accomplish two before the end of the year. One of them includes telling that guy I liked that he's a jerk (that's the cleaned up version). I think I'll do that on my birthday. Make it a good one! These maternal feelings come in waves. Then just as magically as they appear, they disappear. I wonder where I'll be five years from now. Hopefully not living in this small space I'm in now. I want so many things. I need. While I do believe that part of my purpose on this Earth is to be here to support those who will "make it big" so to speak, I can't help but wonder...will I ever make it? And if so, who will be there with me? My husband? My children? My family? Close friends? Or will it be just be? It was a good day today. Let's see what the week brings.