Restless in Brooklyn

O.K. So my attempt at sleep again has failed. Two hours of tossing and turning has resulted in me turning my computer back on. I'm sure I'll fall asleep eventually. In the meantime I am thinking about the really good lunch Delsia and I had on Wednesday. It was the first time I have ever had lobster for lunch and not dinner. How fun it is to do things out of the ordinary. She surprised me with a beautiful necklace and earring set that I wanted to put on right there in the restaurant. Had I not been so dressed down I would have worn it immediately but alas...It didn't go with my casual grey shirt and back sneakers. Ha ha. I will wear it on Christmas Eve and any chance I get though. I love it! So beautiful. So Angela. It was a good day to be with my friend. I hope she feels better though. Seems like everyone is coming down with a cold, the flu, congestion, whatever. It's all of this damn hot weather. It is December..Where the hell is my snow??? Or at least the cold weather I love? Guess I have to wait until January and February for that. Can't wait. I have some snow Angelas to make when the time comes.

As the year closes, I've been thinking a lot about where I've come from and where I still have yet to go. I use to think that at this point in my life I would at least be involved or possibly married and settled into a career. Maybe have a child or two. I always pictured myself someday having four kids. Don't know why. Just felt right. Now, I'm not so sure if I'll ever be in a committed relationship, ever get married, have a family of my own, or even have a career. Well, I do have a good feeling about having an established career that I love but everything else is up for grabs I think. I was having a debate with another girlfriend of mine over what type of girl I am. She says I'm the relationship type. The type that all guys really want at the end of the day. I think I'm starting to change my mind about what type I should be. It seems that label isn't working for me. Maybe I need to branch out and just have a serious of casual relationships, meaningless sex, and never expect to connect with anyone. The only constant in my life is me. I'm the common denominator in all of my previous failed pseudo relationships. I seem to like I like all of the guys who will never in a million years ever want to be with me for whatever reason.

I have learned over time is that I can't force myself into anybody else's life, but rather just work on what I want and need in mine. I guess some would say that on the relationship front part of my spirit has indeed been broken. However, I don't feel that way. I think for me, maybe I was born into the wrong generation. No longer are the days where anyone is really committed to anyone. No longer are the days when dating is required. Everyone wants everything yesterday. Or guys feel that women like me are a dime a dozen. The funny thing is I don't feel ordinary. I feel extraordinary and I don't mean it in an egotistical kind of way. Deep in my heart I feel like I am a rare breed. Some days I forget that but on nights like these I remember with clarity that I am indeed special. Maybe casual everything is the way to go. I don't know. I'm restless. I definitely live in the wrong city to meet anyone. I was watching the hot topics on "The View" the other day when Shawn Robinson from Access Hollywood was on it. She was saying that she is having a hard time dating. I was like...you've got to be kidding me?!? She's so beautiful. Thin. Great job. And she's having a hard time??? If she's not meeting good men what shot have I got? I'll never say never but come on!

Maybe it's my unwillingness to settle for "just anyone" that will cast me into the permanent ranks of singledom. But I know so many people who have settled for whatever reason and aren't happy. I guess I really can do bad all on my own although I don't think i'm doing bad being on my own right now. Why have someone else there to add to it? I don't feel sad though just a little disappointed sometimes that it would be nice to share small, special moments with a loved one or have someone to debate with or just be. It would be so good to actually feel loved. Maybe because I never really had that from anyone I was involved in, hell...not even from my parents...it creates a sense of loss on something that was never given to me to begin with. I know all this stems from my relationship primarily with my father. While I have made my peace with just about every issue I had with him, I still think about how my attitudes about him manifest themselves in my decisions regarding men. The optimist in me expects goodness. The realist in me doesn't expect anything. The two forces are constantly battling. The reconciliation is attracting someone only to drive them away. Who needs Dr. Phil when all you need is a few weeks of sleepless nights to tackle your demons? The funny thing is as predictable as many think I am...I am anything but predictable. I surprise myself all the time. Maybe it's time for me to start focusing on my reinvention as an eternal bachelorette. It's time for me to do even more things differently. I find I get bored with some rules. If men don't want me for who I am now, why be the "good girl" anymore? I don't know what's going to happen but only time will tell.