Party of One

My mother said something to me the other day that triggered a whole lot of thoughts and feelings that under normal circumstances would have made me sad. She said that I am now the age she was when she had me. I thought about it for a while and instead of feeling sad, I actually felt optimistically happy. I can honestly say I never thought my life would be this way in my thirties. Actually I never anticipated alot that went down in my twenties either. But now that I am older, and hopefully wiser, I have learned that it is in experiencing some of the the unknown and unplanned moments that makes life actually worth living. I never thought that I would be alone at this age yet I am. I am finding that second wind to embrace my solitude. There are so many places that I want to travel and experience. Many of these adventures will be taken on a whim...when I feel like doing it. I can come and go whenever I feel like it...and that's good. While I suspect I will be a lifelong philanthropist, in being alone, I can be selfish and indulge in what I want to do. Not to say that if I was involved or had children I couldn't still be selfish however right now I don't have to worry about that. I feel that I am getting stronger. I'm learning how to harness my energy and express myself even more. Fear still creeps in but i'm learning how to squash it at an even faster pace than years before. I don't want to waste any more time. I threw out old pictures of old boyfriends and I've deleted old phone numbers and emails too. It was actually a very freeing feeling.

I also made a vow to myself. I'm done with pre-marital sex as well. I have found that casual sex doesn't work for me anymore. It makes me feel like i'm losing a part of my soul each time. It's not satisfying to me no matter how much I want someone to hold me, touch me, tell me i'm special at least for a few hours. It simply doesn't cut it for me. I guess many would call this a self imposed celibacy. I guess so. Does this mean I give up being sexy, confident, enigmatic, and engaging? Of course not. But what it does mean is that the next time the issue of sex comes up with a guy i'm dating, it just means that i'm not sleeping with him unless there's been an exchange of vows. If that never happens...so be it. Just means I have to channel that energy elsewhere. So my parents may never see me walk down the isle or they many never have any biological grandchildren. I use to think about it all the time. Now...maybe it's a passing thought once in a blue moon. I think that's good because it means i'm focusing on what I have and not what I don't have. Besides, why should I mourn something that I never had in the first place? I'm learning how to let go. I think i'm going to take part of my tax refund and use a small portion to take a weekend trip someplace. Of course being the responsible person that I am i'm going to pay my rent a couple of months out too. I'm starting to feel really good about my life and the decisions I am making.