It's Back

Can't sleep. Insomnia is back..again. At least my headache, for the most part, is gone. Been lying in bed for over an hour trying to fall back into la la land but apparently that's not happening. I did find myself crying though. Maybe I'm going through some form of depression or something. It's like a broken record but a lot of my sleepless nights and crying bouts does have to do with being single....primarily my fear of being sick and alone. For a few moments yesterday I had that recurring fear of dying and that nobody would know about it for a few days since most don't really check up on me to begin with...not even my immediate family. I could simply disappear and nobody would really know for a good while. It really scares me that nobody really cares about me. I really do feel weak for saying that. Then again, I am human. I feel like a mess for constantly thinking about those who couldn't even care less if I'm dead or alive. Why is it so easy for people, especially men, to write me off? When I ask for feedback they never seem to give it. Makes me feel really sad and hence...alone. Defective.

In an odd sort of way my energy spent towards volunteering helps me to not focus on well...me. At least in some small way by helping someone else I know that at least for a small fraction of time, somebody was cared for...respected as a human being. I know those around me say they care and I'm sure that on some level they do. But in terms of actually feeling cared about...that's a different story. I don't feel that from anyone really. I feel defective like an toy that initially one wants to play with but then one realizes that there's something better out there and throws me back in the discount pile. Internally, I feel like there are so many great facets to me that just aren't being explored by others. I do feel like a diamond in the rough. I never get a second chance while others expect many from me. The more I care about others, it feels as if though the less they care about me. I feel selfish for thinking about my feelings. Logically I know that caregivers are never the caregetters. But for me not to care would be a sin and against everything I believe in. Maybe I'm having a breakdown or something. I'm not sure if all women in my situation go through this feeling or if I'm the defective case. I think I'm going to stop keeping in touch with people except my volunteer initiatives after this week is over. Might be best for everyone...including me. Going to try and go back to sleep.