My Boyfriends Back
Insomnia is back again. Can't sleep. I was just thinking about just how much television I watched today. More than double the national daily average. Funny thing is I don't even remember much of what was on except for Oprah. Her show was about middle class folks who found themselves homeless and struggling. Made me cry listening to some of the stories told. Also a scary prospect that I too may soon be one of them. The only difference is those folks had spouses, mates, and/or children. Even harder for them. I know everyone seems to think I could just move into my mother's house and live there. They are wrong. If I were forced to do that the death of my spirit would come first and then my actual physical death in under a year. While I do appreciate and value my mother, I believe her main motive would be for me to move home so that she would have what she wants...companionship. My life or attempt for one would die there. It almost did before. Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder if this is what it feels like when the spirit is leaving the body in actual death. Does it feel like dying or moving on to someplace else? I guess we'll all find out when the time comes.
Haven't even talked about the Presidents Address the other day. I love hearing him speak. So passionate and confident about our future. I use to feel that way but lately I have started to feel lost again. How did I get back to that? How do I get back the hope? All presidents make the mistake of only speaking to the elderly and people with families. I'm not in either category. It's frustrating. The only collective feeling I share is that of a dwindling IRA account. Didn't have much to start with and I wonder if anything will be left at all. Given my present, I often think about just cashing out the little that is there and buying a one way trip someplace and just well...just not coming back to anyplace. I have no place here so why not have noplace someplace else? Just one of those wayward thoughts. I better go and try to sleep. May take a couple of hours of tossing and turning but eventually my brain will get it.
posted by Somebody at
12:07 AM
1 Comments:
There is, within each of us, a heart that is much larger than ordinary human affairs would normally reveal, a heart that can embrace the world because it overflows with love. This heart has not been touched by the pains and disturbances of childhood, nor the traumas or losses that may have come about since then. This heart does not need to be fed by public approval or by the temporary currents of popularity or fame. It does not need these things, because the source of its love does not come from outside but from inside. Without contact with that source, one can go through life feeling that one can only handle a limited number of relationships and that even within these relationships everything can be very complicated. With contact, everything becomes simple. There is only love, and it is the reason that we are alive.
- from Sacred Heart-Opening Practice, by Julie Redstone
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