The Crying Game

Today was such a beautiful day out. Yet in still I find myself crying and tearing up without warning. As the weather gets nicer, I do find myself outside more but it's all the same...still doing alot of things on my own. I'm not really sure what more to do since I make it a point to socialize, be outside, go out and enjoy the day. I think what bothers me is that with all of the new things I take in and observe, there's nobody really socially interacting with me. No real dialogue, no real debates about what's going on in the world. Just nothing. How simply boring!

I think when the tears well up it's one of my ways of releasing my pent up anger to those who abandoned me. Someone said to me a few months ago that I pushed everyone away. I found that statement very offensive. I simply spoke up and told all those selfish people who only had time for their lives and didn't want to be true friends with me to basically "fuck off". No more do I want to be there for other's life moments yet almost all of them couldn't even care if I'm breathing or not. Their actions were the very reason why I started putting myself first. No more being there for everyone and nobody being there for me. I found in doing so that my quality of life actually got better in an odd way. While I still don't have much, it made me truly realize that I am a good person deserving of love...just like what all of them have found. I found that I do love myself...I'm still struggling with the fact that hardly anyone else does. I am thankful for the one or two people who do call every once in a blue moon. I still feel lonely, separate from many. Isolated even on the busiest of streets. Again, I don't know what more I can do. I asked for help but didn't get it. Not really sure how much more help I can give myself.

I did some retail therapy today. Walked to the mall to return a blouse and spent about an hour looking at the racks. Found a pretty cocktail dress and bought it. It looks great on me. Not really sure why I bought it. Maybe my brain is telling me I'll get to get all dressed up in it and have fun somewhere. I hung it up outside my closet so that I can look at it for a while. Even with the tears I felt pretty today. Tomorrow is going to be almost 80 degrees. I think I'll dress up tomorrow too and try to make sure no tears fall then.