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I've been in bed most of the weekend. Just feels safe. Feeling down about now not being able to move. The homeowner simply can't get it together and all the delays and inconvenience are simply not worth me moving. I think they are having money issues. Who isn't? The ironic thing is that even though I don't have much financially, what I do have is in order. If I can just get my student loan paid off that would take so much more pressure off of me. If the balance didn't accrure any interest that would help during times of unemployment. Instead it feels like a penality for trying to advance. That's government for you. I wonder if I can get back some of my tax money that goes into public schools, road repair,etc. I don't have kids and I don't drive on the roads...why should I have to pay for it? Just a thought. Ha ha.

Its getting harder and harder to think positive the last few weeks. It's not for lack of trying on my part. Just feels like I can't catch a break. It would help to have friends to talk to but I'm lucky if I hear from anyone. Last week Richard and Kyer were kind and invited me to Coney Island with them. That was nice. We saw the hot dog eating contest, had a dog ourselves, and then took in the hot sun on the sand. I'm extra crispy as I got really sunburned but it was nice to get out and talk with people. I think that's what I miss the most...talking to people who have an interest in sharing as well as listening to me...really listening to me. For the most part I usually only speak about a hundred words on any given day. There is no conversation to be had as nobody calls. I don't leave messages anymore. Too painful when there isn't a return call anywhere within two weeks. Everyone is too busy. I'm happy for them. Makes me feel sad though since it means it doesn't matter that I exist. I unpacked alot of stuff yesterday. Came across my journals. I came across almost a dozen filled with my thoughts, clippings, memories. When I die I wonder what somebody reading them will really think about me. Will I be just as non-relivent as I am now? I guess the difference is that when that happens, it won't matter what anyone thinks then since I won't be here.

I have to go to the library tomorrow to return some books. I want to also pick up Jim Moret's book, " The Last Day of My Life". Looks like an interesting read. I think I'm going to lay back down now. My head hurts slightly. Maybe later I'll go outside for a walk.