Conformity

Today was a great day for crying...which I did...alot. I finally learned today that I really am nobody. So unloveable, so defective. I really am the defective pot off the assembly line that has no lid. Today is the day I can start killing the spirit I was born with. My purpose on this Earth is to listen to everybody else. The irony is, there is nobody to actually listen to me, my feelings, my concerns. Happy go lucky Ang doesn't get the opportunity to be down, scared, hurt. I told everyone I know to not call me anymore. Why bother. I have nothing to offer. They'll never know that I will in all likelihood die from cancer. Dr. Lieu has been great with her aggressive testing to really find out what's going on. I will not go back for any more testing. There's no point. Why fight what I know is coming. There really is no point. The sooner I die, the better right? Many will never know how much it hurts me that I will never know what it feels like to truly be loved, never have a family of my own, never have a home of my own to live. They'll never know really how much I cared...how much I loved. None of them will ever realize that the woman who always smiles never smiled much as a girl. The only moments of peace she gets comes from going away. They'll never know what was on my mind simply because when I actually share, I get berated. I have to continue to play out the hand I was dealt. Just conform Angela...nobody wants you unless you're just like everybody else. Men will only want me for sex or as the best friend they never had. I'm not a size two and expressing any emotion gets me labeled as moody or crazy. I'm not allowed to have bad days. Others don't really care when I say I'm lonely and make me feel like I have to beg for time once a month just to get a half hour of time after work. Yes...it was confirmed today, I am defective. The sooner I drill that into my heart and mind, the easier my life will be. Just conform Angela. Nobody is ever going to love or understand you. You are not worth the time or energy. Some things are simply never meant to be. You were fooling yourself into thinking O'Neil could ever possibly love you. The simple life you envisioned filled with love and peace was not meant to be. You will always be alone. Lock any real emotion and leave it in the cage. Agree with everyone. They are always right, I will always be wrong. If I had the strength and courage to physically kill myself I would. But I don't. Instead, I can kill the spirit I was born with. Just conform, be like everyone else. It's my punishment for believing I am somebody special. I was happy being me, finally living, being honest with how I feel. Nobody wants me that way except me.