Detachment

I kind of feel detached from everything today. Actually I shouldn't use the word feel since the emotion is quite the opposite. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep even though I had a pretty good day overall. Had a really positive interview and know that the position on hand would be a perfect fit all the way around. Stays within my target interests and plenty of room to learn and grow. Reciprocal. I have another interview tomorrow that I know will be equally positive and good. I haven't felt like working out in the past few days. Just don't and not going to force it. Have had a semi-headache for the last week. That's never a good thing but well what can one do? Nothing except OTC treatment and caffeine. I let myself get caught up in emotional drama over something that is really a non issue now. As I've always said, my friendships really do mean a lot to me and I take other people's feelings seriously. Unfortunately mine usually are never cared about...at least that's the feeling that comes across from some towards me. Coldness is what I usually get from some. Indifference from others. An overwhelming need to understand why from me. My heart has now caught up with my mind about many matters. It took a while but I got there. Is void a feeling? Is disposable a feeling? I guess it is if I have to think about it. I told someone who I thought was a friend that their friendship makes me feel disposable. The response was basically defense and indifference. To be expected considering that I didn't want to admit to myself that the person in question doesn't want or need my friendship. It's always been my job to work on friendships during difficult times. I think many forget that friendship is a two way street. it's like any other relationship (marriage, sibling bonding, coworker dynamics, etc.). Both parties have to work on it to sustain it. I keep reminding myself that one person's junk is another person's treasure. I still cry sometimes when I say it to myself in the mirror. When my head and heart finally sync up perhaps there will be no more tears to that particular statement. At least I still get up and get dressed the next morning after these bouts of depression. I hope it doesn't come to a day where I don't get out of bed because my brain has shut down completely. I already find myself saying no to invitations and gatherings because it's progressively getting harder to go alone. I even found myself planning on never celebrating my birthday after this year since it really only means something to me. After this one, my 35th, I will no longer have a birthday. I'm sure nobody will notice. I've been re-reading "A New Earth" for the third time. I must be stupid since very little is "sticking" at least at the present moment. Third time's a charm?

On the positive side, I did get a really nice pair of shoes to go with the dress I will wear to the wedding. They are red. My very first pair of red shoes. I have the dress hanging where I can see it daily. Every time I look at it, it makes me smile just a little. I feel pretty in it and special. Perhaps I should wear it for five minutes every day (with the shoes) as a form of home made, spirit therapy. I should go outside and get some sun. Maybe more later.