Broke and Broken

Been laying low for the last couple of days. Feeling a bit broke and broken. Did cheer myself up by putting more photos in the photo album. The last album is about 85% done. Hope to have it finished tomorrow and then eventually I'll get to the scrapbook. Better late than never right? It's really hard sometimes to snap out of these "funks" simply because I'm so damn bored! Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just cashed out the little that I do have and just simply got on a bus or train and left. I really don't think anyone would notice. Well..only my mother would but the reality is that if I wasn't here it really wouldn't make a ripple with anyone anywhere. How sad is that to feel that my life is of no value to anyone except me? I know I shouldn't think that way but for today I do. I'll cry it out and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

It's kind of ironic that there are so many goals and dreams I have yet to accomplish yet now I just have some serious doubts it any of them will ever happen. I've worked hard, did all the right things, yet still had so many show me nothing but their poor behavior and disrespect. Maybe I should no longer focus my book goals on some of the journeys I have been on but rather the one that has been consistently stays with me...the Journey of Solitude. No matter how many connections I try to make, it would appear that nobody has time to actually care about me. I've been to so many movies, museums, park walks, you name it, I've done it alone because everyone is busy or can't come to Brooklyn. Joined groups that just don't match. I don't think I have the energy for it anymore. I think it's a sign. I won't be here much longer. I don't know. Again. Perhaps I just need to cry out the negativity and my perspective may change tomorrow. I better go.

The Middle Class Task Force

Could Mother Nature have dropped any more rain on us during the rush hour than she did today? If I had my way today I would have stayed indoors curled up in my bed with a cup of hot cocoa. For the most part I slept pretty well last night after taking some Theraflu. I actually enjoy the rain as much as I enjoy snow...just not while I'm fighting anything that's attacking my respitory system. LOL. Oh well...wasn't too bad although my hair lost the battle. Was nice when I left the house...not so nice when I got to the training session. Ha ha.



Diana was great as usual. All the the case scenarios posed to us were really interesting and challenging. So many possibilies for solutions. I like group settings where you get to hear all different though processes. Really helpful and informative. The day gave me a bit more confidence for when I actually have to "go it alone" which will be in about two weeks or so. Always frightening...like the first day of anything new...but I know I'll be fine in the long run.



When I got home I around 5:30 or so, I found myself flipping through the limited channels I have (since I can't afford cable) and I lucked out and do happen to get FOOD, CSPAN, and NY1. I found myself watching CSPAN just as Joe Biden and eventually President Obama were speaking on the new concepts and ideas they will try to implement to improve the economy through the Middle Class Task Force. Usually when any president official speaks of the middle class, they are never really speaking to me since I no longer fall in that category. I am below middle class now. I have the added luxury of not qualifying for assistance for most government assistance programs since I'm not married, don't own anything, and don't have any children. To date it would seem, in my opinion, that all I'm good for when it comes to the government is being taxed! How crazy is that? So anyway, what did stand out for me was all the talk about changes to the IBR program which is one thing I do match since I have a staggering amount of student loan debt (almost 50K). To me, the principal balance is not necessarily the initial problem but rather the amount of interest our very government decided to tax...a whopping 6.2% fixed interest rate...gee..Thanks former President Bush. That was a lovely parting gift.



11:08pm...ok...so lost the last part of my text here due to some error...will revisit this post in the morning. Theraflu kicking in!

Theraflu Haze

Kind of slipping into a Theraflu haze so not doesn't look like I'm going to be on the computer but for a mere minute or two. Spend the majority of today resting and hydrating. Still have a slight headache but hopefully that will go away soon. The fever did go away so that's pretty good. I think the hot shower I took earlier in the day helped. It's especially at times like this that I really appreciate the fact that while I don't have much, I at least for now have a clean place to rest and access to food and medicine. I still can't fathom the devastation and chaos going on in Haiti. I keep thinking when will I be able to help more than donating a couple of dollars. I sense that in the upcoming years to come I will be there, physically there, helping with a NGO or something...helping to rebuild. While I don't really know what the future holds for me I just feel that the world has bigger, greater plans for me. For now, I think I better lay down. Will try to collect my thoughts better hopefully tomorrow once the OTC drugs are out of my system. I have a few words about Yele Haiti (positive and not negative like what the media has been putting out there.)

Life in the Sick Lane

I simply can't believe that I have a head cold right now! I'm actually running a fever too. How is that possible considering that last month I literally had to have almost seven shots as part of my medical clearance to work in the hospitals?!? And I do mean literally! I don't think I've ever had that many shots spread out over the course of two days. H1N1, Tetanus, something or another for chicken pox. You name it, my blood work showed I needed it. I am hard pressed to say that my body would be able to fight off a cold virus since all of my cells are trying to figure out what to attack first. LOL. Oh well. I took some Motrin last night and this morning and am going to take a hot shower in a few minutes. Need to be semi-well for tomorrow's training session. Looking forward to that. I need all the training sessions I can get since I find that working in the hospital setting is so very difficult. Everyone is so vulnerable. From the patients to those who treat them; we are all so very vulnerable. The patients just by the very nature of whatever ails them physically and the emotional toll that goes along with their illness. For the practitioner, their vulnerability lies in the balance of power they hold with that very patient. Are they providing enough information and care, are they being sensitive enough, are they just another ass caught up in the bureaucratic mess of a medical system our country has to offer? Where do I fit in? I'm right in in the middle of it all.

First and foremost, my job is to make sure the patient gets information about programs and services they may not know about. On the other side, I will have an office breathing down my neck asking me how many patients did I refer to them. A delicate balance. Not every patient wants to talk to someone the moment they find out they are facing a life crisis. Everyone handles news differently. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's training so that I can see different approaches to different scenarios. First I need to get well! Better go take a shower and get some soup in my system. More later on this, Haiti, the date, life.