Saturday Morning Post

Looks like another hot but bright weekend is here. Wish I had better news to report like, "I'm going to hang out with friends or I have a date tonight." Alas...not in the cards this weekend. For the most part I have been sleeping better the past few nights. Albeit, I am falling asleep after 1pm, waking up at 6am, falling back asleep at 6:02am (you guessed it...bathroom break...ha ha), and then getting up at like 10am. So I can say I am getting in something like eight to nine hours of sleep. Unfortunately that's not consecutive hours. Getting sleep though.

I am doing battle with this latest round of feeling down. I had high hopes that the move would happen but it didn't. It made me feel like I was taking two steps forward only to be kicked back by three or four. Being discarded by employers or rather human resource people that don't even know me feels like that too. I still am not sure where God is going with all this for me but I hope its a better place spiritually, physically, and emotionally. There are so many ideas swirling inside of my head and I'm not sure how or if I can successfully bring any of them to life. I know I shouldn't worry about things like that. Trying is 95% of the battle in winning the war. Sometimes it's very difficult for my mind to grasp that since often times I feel unskilled at anything and feel I was born in the wrong place and time. I know that feeling is not true; that I am here for a reason, a purpose. I feel it's a great purpose...just hard to envision it through the often steps of failure, disappointment, and loneliness. I would have to say that the bright side to all of this is that if I were ever stranded alone on a desert island...I would in all likelihood survive, especially the long stretches where I don't hear any other human voice for days or even months. It's amazing how not having anyone to talk can hurt but also help.

With the exception of three boxes, I have unpacked all of the stuff I had packed up. Yesterday I also put back up all the wall hangings that I so carefully had taken down and wrapped up. While I hope that I can move into my own home soon, I will make the best of where I am now. I plan on working on my vision board today. Perhaps having it over my bed and seeing visuals to what I have written and posted on my fridge will help. If I can see it perhaps it will change my perspective back to where it use to be. OK. better get going.

Another wacky dream

Woke up feeling a bit groggy. Lite headache and for some weird reason my left ankle is stiff and hurting also. Not sure why but took some aspirin a few minutes ago. This morning's dream was wacky. From what I remember, I was in a school environment. Felt like elementary school. In one part of the dream I was taking an exam that was comprised of crossword puzzles. The answer to #6 across was Thursday. I remember thinking the entire test booklet was very difficult...damn near impossible for me. At some point the teacher came in during the test and started handing out chocolate squares except with me she gave me guava squares. Seemed as if though it was something I liked. (in reality, I don't believe I've ever had the treat visualized in this dream...not sure it even exists in real life).

An earlier part of this dream had me evacuating the school as the fire alarm was going off. I think it was a drill rather than the real deal. That's all I remember about that section.

The very first part of the dream was the most memorable. There was someone in trouble. Kind of like a hostage situation and I was able to pick up on the fact from the victim by her wording that I should get help. As I notified others to clear the area, I remember telling others we need to call the police. Again, all this was taking place in a school.

That's all I remember from this wacky dream. Not sure how to interpret it but I'll mull it over. In the meantime, it's raining but I have to go to the store for groceries otherwise it's another meal of basically nothing since I literally have no food in my space....unless you count jello and half an onion.

Untitled

I've been in bed most of the weekend. Just feels safe. Feeling down about now not being able to move. The homeowner simply can't get it together and all the delays and inconvenience are simply not worth me moving. I think they are having money issues. Who isn't? The ironic thing is that even though I don't have much financially, what I do have is in order. If I can just get my student loan paid off that would take so much more pressure off of me. If the balance didn't accrure any interest that would help during times of unemployment. Instead it feels like a penality for trying to advance. That's government for you. I wonder if I can get back some of my tax money that goes into public schools, road repair,etc. I don't have kids and I don't drive on the roads...why should I have to pay for it? Just a thought. Ha ha.

Its getting harder and harder to think positive the last few weeks. It's not for lack of trying on my part. Just feels like I can't catch a break. It would help to have friends to talk to but I'm lucky if I hear from anyone. Last week Richard and Kyer were kind and invited me to Coney Island with them. That was nice. We saw the hot dog eating contest, had a dog ourselves, and then took in the hot sun on the sand. I'm extra crispy as I got really sunburned but it was nice to get out and talk with people. I think that's what I miss the most...talking to people who have an interest in sharing as well as listening to me...really listening to me. For the most part I usually only speak about a hundred words on any given day. There is no conversation to be had as nobody calls. I don't leave messages anymore. Too painful when there isn't a return call anywhere within two weeks. Everyone is too busy. I'm happy for them. Makes me feel sad though since it means it doesn't matter that I exist. I unpacked alot of stuff yesterday. Came across my journals. I came across almost a dozen filled with my thoughts, clippings, memories. When I die I wonder what somebody reading them will really think about me. Will I be just as non-relivent as I am now? I guess the difference is that when that happens, it won't matter what anyone thinks then since I won't be here.

I have to go to the library tomorrow to return some books. I want to also pick up Jim Moret's book, " The Last Day of My Life". Looks like an interesting read. I think I'm going to lay back down now. My head hurts slightly. Maybe later I'll go outside for a walk.