Insomnia...The Aftermath

So can you believe I just got out of bed less than a half an hour ago? I ended up falling asleep just before 5am and then woke up several times throughout the morning and fell back asleep in between. Now I feel really tired. I know this is the after effects of my prescription migraine medication. However, i'd rather feel this way than to have the massive headache pain. It looks like such a pretty day outside. The sun will be going down before I actually make it out there. Going to yet another baby shower. It should be really nice. It's always good to be celebrating life.

I heard back from Sungrim this morning. She says there is total shock and great sadness in South Korea this week. She added that citizens there have prepared a massive candlelight vigil this weekend. It's probably going on right now given the time difference between here and there. She said more than 100,000 netizens (net citizens) participated in a "black ribbon campaign" where they tagged black ribbons on personal weblogs. Just such a shame such a tragedy had to happen. Sungrim's husband is seeking work now as he was not able to pass the third tier of the law exam. From what she describes, it is a very, very difficult process to become a lawyer there and it takes many, many years of study. She says visiting now before the rainy and hot season is good. I think i'm going to be fearless and crazy and book my ticket for next month. I want to see her. It has been too many years...14 to be exact....yet we have been able to remain friends and in touch all these years. I really do miss her.

O.K. So I must be crazy but you know what...it feels good. I just called my travel agent and left a message for her that I want to book a ticket to South Korea for May! Who does this without having any source of income yet, virtually very little liquid assets, and basically no support system in place? ME! You know, I am laughing with myself right now. It feels good. I'm not as predictable as many peg me to be. I do have a highly spontaneous and adventurous side to me. You know what's extra funny...I don't think anybody really knows that and since I'm the only one who reads my blog i'm the only one who will ever know...at least for right now. From reading some of my old posts and written journals, I can honestly say that over the years, I have grown into a really beautiful woman. I have taught myself that it's o.k. to toot my own horn and to believe in myself even when others try to make me doubt myself. I truly am creating the person I want to be and she is wonderful even if she doesn't fit the mold society says she should be. Let's see what type of fares come back from Denise over the next week. My father is now officially retired so he says he's going to visit Uncle Harvey in Japan possibly next month as well. That would be pretty cool if we were both in Asian countries at the same time. Maybe next year I will visit there as well to see the cherry blossoms.

I better get moving. Have to clean up as usual and then i'll work on my presentation for thesis so I can get that out of the way. I am trying to make my last two weeks of class as stress free as possible. More tomorrow.

One Word...

Can you guess what it is? Insomnia! Need I say more??? I did realize not to long ago that when I can't fall asleep, I turn clockwise in bed. Left side, back, right side, stomach. Too funny. After the fifth rotation over the course of an hour I decided to get up until I actually feel sleepy. I'm yawning right now so maybe soon i'll actually be able to go to sleep. These are the nights I wish someone else was up so that I could talk about everything or nothing at all. Only three more weeks of classes and i'm done. Still can't believe it...a year and a half went by quickly! I can remember the first day of class like it was yesterday. Nervous excitement, anticipation, challenging expectations...and now...completion.

My presentations will be done the Monday before graduation so being able to see some folks for dinner that Wednesday will be a refreshing change of pace. Alot of people won't be there but for those who say they are coming it's a good thing. I think at this point even if nobody showed I would still have a good time all by myself! I would buy myself a really good meal and a really great drink and celebrate Ang style! I got some really good leads this week jobwise and my name is in for several that have not gone public yet so i'll keep my fingers crossed. I know that right fit will come along when the time is right. I'm not worried anymore.

I'm hearing all these creepy noises outside every so often. Just now it sounded like someone knocking over a garbage can cover....maybe it was a rat doing that! Hey...you never know. Every so often a car goes by. Also heard what sounded like someone entering through the front gate (or a nearby gate). Then there is also the night silence...not quite quiet....not a single noise either...just stillness.

My sister called me earlier to ask if she could borrow money from me. How insane is that? I still don't get it. What makes everyone believe I have a lot of money? In her case I really don't get it. What is she doing? She has a great job, doesn't pay rent or utilities, and never has to worry about food. Why doesn't she have a huge sum of money saved anywhere? I think my parents enabled her so much that she knows she will always have a safety net. It's kind of sad that she's the older sibling yet I can't really look to her for guidance on anything. Lately, both of my parents have been putting pressure on me to learn all about their finances and other personal matters "just in case". I know I'm supposed to live by the ten commandments especially the one that says to honor thy mother and father however I do feel a responsibility to myself these days that says I need to be selfish now. At what point do I respect their wishes and desires while respecting myself with all of my needs, wishes, and desires? It's a tough question with no easy answer. I'm feeling a little sleepy now so i'm going to attempt getting some sleep. It looks like it's going to be a really nice weekend so i'm going to try to get out and enjoy the sunshine. I need to find some fun outdoor groups that I can join so that I can meet more people. I'm really going to force myself to get out more so that weekends aren't so depressing for me. Volunteer stuff is great but I need more. K. Better go.

Earth Day 2007

OMG...I was so sick yesterday that I couldn't even think properly. As a long time sufferer of migraine, I have to say that lately the pain on some episodes has been beyond excruciating. Yesterday was one of those days. I literally stayed in bed all day. Even getting up to get a piece of fruit was painful. I didn't want to get up but at the same time I had to eat something so that my stomach wouldn't hurt from taking prescription medication. It was just awful. I still have a headache now but not nearly as painful as yesterday. Anyway, Sunday is Earth Day. Even though i'm not fond of weekends these days, this Sunday will be good in the sense that many will at least take a look at our environment and the role we play in preserving and destroying it. While I am learning how to "go green" even more, I do practice some green principles such as using a cloth bag to do grocery shopping and using a recyclable water bottle. I want to switch to natural cleaning products next. Green is my favorite color so Sunday will be a good day. The only problem I have with "going green" is that current legislation doesn't really support the concept with any form of consistency. If recycling were universal in the U.S. more people would do it I think. For example, here in NY we use to recycle glass. However, this policy was removed because the mayor said it wasn't cost-efficient. How can you save the Earth if you don't try to recycle as much as possible? I better go, still have a draft paper due by midnight tonight and I have absolutely nothing done. Yesterday really wiped me out. Once this draft is done, I won't have too much left to do thank goodness. More maybe later.

The Manifesto

I am still stunned by the details of the school massacre. NBC News just reported that a manifesto and other materials were mailed by the shooter to the network here in NYC. It is very scary to think that someone so young could have the presence of mind to actually attempt to explain his pre-meditated actions prior to his death. I will be glued to the television news on channel 4 tonight. By far Brian Williams has had the best coverage of this horrific event. What was in the manifesto? I will miss the Nightly News because of class but I will make sure to see it tomorrow night. I'm a little scared to even go to class. It makes me wonder what is there to stop someone from wandering around from room to room and do harm. It really makes me think about escape routes even more. Can't fear though...just move forward.

The Warning Signs

It is truly disturbing to hear some of the new revelations of the Virginia Tech shooter. Alot of people report that he fit the classic mold of someone who would commit mass murder. I don't think there is such a thing as a person who fits the stereotypical pattern. While some could be viewed as "more likely" to commit such a crime, you never really know what's going on in someones mind. I keep wondering what exactly did the shooter do in the two hours between incidents. What was he thinking about? Why did he go forward after killing the first two? What is most chilling to me is the video that we are all seeing where you can actually hear the gunshots being fired. Every time I see that footage I can't help but think about another life being taken, another victim being wounded. It's hard to fathom that with each shot heard, someone is being hurt...badly. With each shot, the perpetrator fell into even more hopelessness and sadness. Tragic. His parents, like those of the other victims, must be devastated. I have yet to hear back from Sunglim but I am sure that her fellow countrymen share in the grief that in this case someone of South Korean dissent will forever be associated with "the worst" in America.

Massacre at Virginia Tech

What a tragedy that has occurred at Virginia Tech. I am stunned. It is hard to believe that such a horrendous crime could happen in the confines of a school environment. So far it appears that 33 people are dead and dozens wounded. What I find extremely interesting is the fact that two separate shootings took place over the course of three hours. It really makes me wonder what the policy is at my school in regards to crimes on campus. In the case of Va. Tech, there is no way to know if a campus lockdown could have prevented the second round of shooting. Preliminary news stories are trying to link the university decision to the number of deaths. In my opinion that is a logical however unfair association. Who is to say that had the campus been locked down, the shooter(s) would have stopped after the first incident? One simply cannot say/hypothesize the unknown. I feel so sad for all of the victims as well as the person who committed the crime. What would motivate that person to kill, especially at school. Sometimes when I go to class, I look at the faces of my fellow students. In the land of academia, the inclination is to feel safe and nurtured. Security is basically non-existent and the assumption is that everyone is there with at least the same basic mindframe...to get an education. However, if you really think about it, school is just an extension of life. When I look around...some of my fellow classmates look so stressed out. Who is to say that any one of them won't come in to class one day and start shooting? The same applies to the work environment. I use to wonder why people would just go into work one day and kill. I suspect it all boils down to the human factor. We all have feelings. Some know how to handle them better than others. Overall, one simply doesn't know what cause people to react as well as act. You just have to have faith that the environment is safe. My many prayers go out to the families. How very, very sad.

Nor'Easter Sunday/Monday

Tons of rain! Love it. It's a p.j. bottom and tee shirt day. A cup of hot cocoa too. Just taking a quick break from writing. Still have a headache. Did have a weird dream. Only remember the part where I was in the very expensive house and went to take a bath. The bathroom was gorgeous. Huge. Relaxing. The tub was already prepared and I remember smelling lavender and vanilla. I touched with water and it was warm, inviting. Just before that I remember passing two doberman pincher dogs before opening the bathroom door. Weird. That's all I remember. O.K. better get back to the paper since I have to cook dinner in an hour. More later.


1:23am Monday morning...it's still raining outside. Earlier there was thunder and lightening. What a fantastic storm! Definitly a curl up in bed (preferrably with someone else) and listen to the rain. I just emailed out my second draft of the report. Hopefully the advisor won't have too many changes. Now I move on to sleep. When I awake it's a workout and the Tobago paper. Goodnight!