Thank You Anonymous

I am feeling better. Just needed some time to go "through the motions". It's not so much getting fired again. It's all of the cleanup of the uncertainty that bothers me sometimes. I know for a fact that I will have a source of income again. You can't tell me I'll be unemployed for the next thirty to forty years of my life. I guess what bothers me the most is that during the transition from working to working on what's next, there is a sense of forced solitude when it should be a time that everyone bands together to offer help. For me, help comes in the form of physically seeing people...socializing. However, when people hear that they assume that to do so requires money. It doesn't. All I needed was time. I honestly feel that when I get to the point where I have to tell people I need them to spend time with me then the problem is unsolvable. It then makes me feel like that's the only way people will spend any modicum of time with me. I shouldn't have to do that. Nobody should. How hard it is to meet up after work or dare I say actually come out to Brooklyn once or twice a year? With the exception of one or two people, I do need new friends.

So..with that, I have picked up with continuing to work on my goals. Still want to attempt marathon this year by using a run/walk method. Just have to be extra careful about injury since my health insurance ends literally tomorrow. I still don't know if I can afford COBRA. Should have a better idea by next week but I'm not going to let it hold me back from utilizing free time to workout and train. I am also going to commit myself to attending one social event a month. There have been many free mixers that I didn't attend simply because I didn't want to go alone. Still working on getting over that and the best way to do that is to simply pick from the many emails I get and simply go right?

Last but not least, I have two barter ideas that will double benefit me. Not going to mention specifics but will later if I can work it out. Oh...before I forget, I saw Dejah on the PBS special the other night. She looked so beautiful. She's my cousin and was performs with Stevie Wonder. She got to meet The President and the First Lady. Can't wait to hear more about it from her. So exciting. I have a lot of clothes to give away. Going to work on that on Sunday. I forgot to mention that I took two exams for the upcoming Census Bureau temporary work assignments. They had supervisory as well as non-supervisory roles. Took the test for both. On the non-supervisory exam I scored a 98! Holy cow. I hope I scored as well on the other one. Won't know until next week. Both were tricky exams. At least if nothing comes up workwise by the time they start calling people for work I can do that in the short term. Certainly pays more than unemployment.

I really am feeling a lot better. Gaining back my power slowly but surely. Again, to my anonymous reader out there, thank you. Not sure who you are ( I suspect it's someone who knows me but you never know in cyberspace) but while I don't usually personally comment all the time, I am listening. I take all feedback under consideration. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

My Boyfriends Back

Insomnia is back again. Can't sleep. I was just thinking about just how much television I watched today. More than double the national daily average. Funny thing is I don't even remember much of what was on except for Oprah. Her show was about middle class folks who found themselves homeless and struggling. Made me cry listening to some of the stories told. Also a scary prospect that I too may soon be one of them. The only difference is those folks had spouses, mates, and/or children. Even harder for them. I know everyone seems to think I could just move into my mother's house and live there. They are wrong. If I were forced to do that the death of my spirit would come first and then my actual physical death in under a year. While I do appreciate and value my mother, I believe her main motive would be for me to move home so that she would have what she wants...companionship. My life or attempt for one would die there. It almost did before. Sometimes I lay in bed and wonder if this is what it feels like when the spirit is leaving the body in actual death. Does it feel like dying or moving on to someplace else? I guess we'll all find out when the time comes.

Haven't even talked about the Presidents Address the other day. I love hearing him speak. So passionate and confident about our future. I use to feel that way but lately I have started to feel lost again. How did I get back to that? How do I get back the hope? All presidents make the mistake of only speaking to the elderly and people with families. I'm not in either category. It's frustrating. The only collective feeling I share is that of a dwindling IRA account. Didn't have much to start with and I wonder if anything will be left at all. Given my present, I often think about just cashing out the little that is there and buying a one way trip someplace and just well...just not coming back to anyplace. I have no place here so why not have noplace someplace else? Just one of those wayward thoughts. I better go and try to sleep. May take a couple of hours of tossing and turning but eventually my brain will get it.

Ash Wednesday-Part 2

It's Ash Wednesday. I decided to give up soda, chocolate, and a human being. The last one will be expecially challenging considering it was someone that I really liked. I spent the majority of today in bed. I did get up as usual this morning and did my daily searches and submissions. I found myself sending out my "dd" version also. I call that the dummy down version of my resume. It's where I have removed some of my accomplishments and education so that I won't be ruled out of a postion because of being overqualified. Kind of ticks me off that this is what it comes down to.

I also found myself crying at different points. Tomorrow is another day. I need to get back into working out since it directs my attention elsewhere for an hour or two. Soon the weather will break so i'll be able to walk outside. I think next week i'm going to take myself to a movie. Haven't done that in a long time. Gets me out of confining myself. I also need to look into affordable Spanish classes. The goal is to be fluent by year's end. I think i'm going to got to the high school up the block and see if any of the Spanish teachers there are willing to offer affordable lessons or if I can find a way to sit in on the high school classes in trade for volunteer time in Development.

I'm going to go through my closet tomorrow and get rid of about 40% of what's in there. I find that there is alot of stuff that doesn't fit properly or hasn't been worn in at least three years and i'm hoarding it "just in case". Need to lighten the load in here and get even more organized. I'm about 80% there so this is the last 20. Will take it all to Goodwill over the weekend or early next week. Helps to get rid of this stuff too just in case I do indeed end up homeless. Less stuff to have to part with on the back end. O.K. better go. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Ash Wednesday

Woke up crying this morning. Still trying to fight feeling sad. I'll beat it eventually but not today. Going back to lay in my bed.