I feel free today on several levels. Just got back from voting. It's a good feeling to know that my vote has the power to affect change. I wish everyone went out, especially black voters, and exercised their vote. As I was walking to the polling site, an Obama cavalcade went by. They definitly are fighing to get out the vote. It will be interesting to see who ends up becoming the Democratic nominee and who will be on the vice president track also. Only time will tell. My voting card was #100. Sounds like a winner to me! LOL.
On the personal front. I finally feel free from the whole O'Neil thing too. Hard to put into words but it feels like this huge weight has been lifted from my heart. I didn't even feel a panging of tears to come and won't. I no longer trust anything he says and that makes all the difference. I give up on his "friendship" which to me wasn't really friendship. Like I was some secret in his world. Part of it was my fault because I let him play off of the fact that he knew I liked him. People will only do what you allow them to do. Instead of either being honest that "he's just not that into me" or saying whatever words needed to make me understand all the secrecy; he just hide behind email and excuses. Deflection. Been there, done that. That wasn't very nice of him. In fact, it's an asshole move. I may currently be unemployed, almost broke, and slightly unconventional. However, even with my ups and downs, I have never felt more beautiful on the inside or outside as I do right now. Even on my sad days I wake up and look in the mirror and see beauty that is more than skin deep. How does that happen when you basically have nothing? That is a mystery to me still. Friendship is important to me so it hurts when others like him treat it like everyone has it.
It scares me to stand up for myself but I do it anyway. It scares me to take chances but I do it anyway. I took a chance and failed yet again...but dammit at least I tried (smile)! The other day I asked a guy out on a date and got rejected but at least I took a chance. I can't let rejection sway me. Clearly it's more difficult for me since I am basically alone but I have to keep trying right? I'm going to get through this week and if nothing pans out jobwise I'm going to have to muster up the courage to apply for public assistance. I hate that but I will do it. I feel like it's a handout even though I have paid tax dollars into the system and clearly need the temporary help. But it's still difficult for me to come to terms with that thought. I'm trying to work smart but opportunities aren't presenting themselves to me so far. I have no place else to turn. Alot of people assume I can go live with one of my parents but that is not an option. Lent starts tomorrow so I will have even more time to reflect. I will definitely give up all this craziness I put myself through with O'Neil. I got over him once, I think I can do it again. I have to. I really was hoping we could indeed be friends but he didn't want that. It hurts but in hurting that lets me know that I'm capable of caring.
O.K. I better go. Have to clean up a bit, get some lunch, and then head back out the door for my volunteer work. Tomorrow a friend of mine it taking me out to dinner and the movie is on me. Should be nice to continue living.
