A Better Saturday

It looks like another great weekend weather-wise. Weekends tend to be my nemesis since there's only but so much stuff I desire to do alone. I refuse to let the boredom get to me this weekend. Not sure what I will do with myself but I'll figure something out. Definitely need to study for my next Spanish lesson. I am enjoying taking lessons tremendously. It's always fun learning something new when you have a teacher that is patient and wants you to learn! I hope I can be fluent in about a year. Pray that I can continue to afford lessons. I'm thinking about selling off all of my jewelry for cash. I would hate to do so since for starters I don't have much and the pieces I have collected mean something to me beyond their beauty. With the exception of my parents, nobody has ever given me the gift of jewelery. Pieces acquired were gifts, always birthday only. The rest I bought on my own. Sometimes it makes me sad to know that my birthday, which many don't have time to spend with me, is usually the only time my life is acknowledged. That's why it's so hard to part with the few pieces I purchased on my own. For those items were bought when I acknowledged my presence...always at times when something special happened in my life and nobody was around to share the news with. Perhaps it is fitting to let it all go. Many still aren't around however at least I know I'm here for now. How long I don't know but as I type I am here now.

I think I'm going to give away or donate even more stuff like virtually all of my CDs, clothing, and books. I'm going to start working on packing all these things up starting Monday. No need for the stuff anymore. Better buy some heavy duty garbage bags this weekend. OK. I better go. It's midday and I shouldn't spend time locked in my space doing nothing. If I'm going to be doing nothing I should at least be doing it outside! LOL.

The Crying Game

Today was such a beautiful day out. Yet in still I find myself crying and tearing up without warning. As the weather gets nicer, I do find myself outside more but it's all the same...still doing alot of things on my own. I'm not really sure what more to do since I make it a point to socialize, be outside, go out and enjoy the day. I think what bothers me is that with all of the new things I take in and observe, there's nobody really socially interacting with me. No real dialogue, no real debates about what's going on in the world. Just nothing. How simply boring!

I think when the tears well up it's one of my ways of releasing my pent up anger to those who abandoned me. Someone said to me a few months ago that I pushed everyone away. I found that statement very offensive. I simply spoke up and told all those selfish people who only had time for their lives and didn't want to be true friends with me to basically "fuck off". No more do I want to be there for other's life moments yet almost all of them couldn't even care if I'm breathing or not. Their actions were the very reason why I started putting myself first. No more being there for everyone and nobody being there for me. I found in doing so that my quality of life actually got better in an odd way. While I still don't have much, it made me truly realize that I am a good person deserving of love...just like what all of them have found. I found that I do love myself...I'm still struggling with the fact that hardly anyone else does. I am thankful for the one or two people who do call every once in a blue moon. I still feel lonely, separate from many. Isolated even on the busiest of streets. Again, I don't know what more I can do. I asked for help but didn't get it. Not really sure how much more help I can give myself.

I did some retail therapy today. Walked to the mall to return a blouse and spent about an hour looking at the racks. Found a pretty cocktail dress and bought it. It looks great on me. Not really sure why I bought it. Maybe my brain is telling me I'll get to get all dressed up in it and have fun somewhere. I hung it up outside my closet so that I can look at it for a while. Even with the tears I felt pretty today. Tomorrow is going to be almost 80 degrees. I think I'll dress up tomorrow too and try to make sure no tears fall then.

Sunday Brunch

OK. I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that I just got back from a really great first date and again...don't want to jinx it but this I believe is a really great connection! To be honest, I haven't felt this way in a really, really long time. I'm not going to talk up this date too much yet but I will say that we met for Sunday brunch and ended up talking for almost three hours! I enjoyed the conversation tremendously and I think he did too. Let's see what happens.

On the rest of life front, I walked twice this week in the park. Each time getting in over 11,000 steps. Yesterday I participated in a charity walk to help raise funds in the fight against childhood obesity. It was cold yesterday but about 100 adults and kids managed to turn up. Nicole and Damien were there also. They are so sweet. I met Nicole when I went for the open casting call for the Biggest Loser. Between she and Damian, they have lost almost 300lbs! What inspiration! I know soon that I too will shed the weight that has been my security blanket for so long. Trying to get back up to walking four days each week walking until I find a great cardio class or group I can afford. In the meantime, I've been enjoying my walks. Think alot. All good thoughts. I constantly find myself in a state of feeling really good....happy even with some of the newer challenges. Just happy. I still don't have much but I feel like I have plenty. I've been taking Spanish lessons with my goal to become fluent by the end of the year. I have a feeling I will be traveling again in the near future to Spanish speaking countries. Just a feeling.

Anywho, I don't have time to play catch up today since I'm on my way back out the door in about ten minutes. Will get back up to speed mid-week.