The Artist's Way

I have such a headache today. Not good but I have to work through it in order to get the rest of my written schoolwork done. I was doing some thinking last night. It's been a long time since i've written morning pages. I think i'm going to work "The Artist's Way" book again...starting from the beginning. I stuggled alot with the weekly artist's date but i'm going to commit myself to the process once again. In the meantime, I better commit myself to my budget memo. It's not going to write itself. My brain hurts but i'm going to focus as much as I can.

Conspicuous Consumption

This morning, thousands of people stood in line waiting for stores to open as part of the kick off to "Black Friday" and the official start of the Christmas shopping season. Sometimes I wonder what prompts this need to race out to a store to buy the "hot items" of the year or to buy gifts for certain people, knowing we simply can't afford to do so. Maybe I'm being naive but I'm a big believer that Christmas is all year long. Again, this goes back to my "just because" attitude. Why can't people do nice things all the time just because? Why does it feel like during this particular time of the year even the most hateful people all of a sudden have kindness in their hearts during the Christmas rush? And why does it seem that as soon as the ball drops in Times Square, scowls return for six weeks only to be broken for one 24 hour period we call Valentine's Day? I wonder what is in people's hearts? What is in their minds?

For those waiting in long lines at registers and fighting over the elusive Elmo doll or an early bird specially reduced pair of shoes, I have to wonder...is it really worth it? I wonder if any of them thought about the people who stood in line yesterday and waited for a hot meal to be served to them. I wonder if some shoppers thought about buying basic necessities like food or clothing to donate to someone who will surely go without today. I wonder if many people even think about the fact that most citizens are literally two paychecks away from homelessness. I wonder. Yesterday I saw men, women, and little ones who came in to get a hot meal and out of the cold wetness. I wondered where will they all go after they eat? Where will they be tomorrow? The day after that? And the next? What other lines will they have to stand in down the road? As many shop today, I hope that some will remember that there are many others out there who will go without...everyday. I hope some shoppers will get into the true spirit of the holidays by trying to make a positive, meaningful difference in someone else's life. I'll also pray that they do.

One Place to Go

It's Thanksgiving morning. I feel alive. Surprised. Re-energized. I took an extra long shower, washed my hair, had an extra tall cup of hot cocoa, and listened to Lionel Richie's new CD. Title track six in addition to nine are my new favorites. Both give me the feeling of being centered. The two songs in terms of rhythm and tonality couldn't be more different but the message both deliver is quite similar. The songs talk of taking a journey and believing. Thanksgiving, or any day for that matter, is a good day to be introspective. Everyone will gather someplace; others may remain alone. Regardless of what each chooses, we all continue on the journey to where we want to go. I found someplace to volunteer my time today. It's one place to go. I'm starting to feel that holiday spirit again...and the energy and joy that comes along with it. Happy Thanksgiving.

The Pursuit of Happyness

I've watched an obscene amount of television this week. I think more than I have in an entire year. It's time to get my butt back in goal mode and stop wallowing in my self-imposed pity party. One good thing about my t.v. binge though was watching today's episode of Oprah. Chris Gardner was on and his life story is very powerful and inspirational to me. I cried watching most of the show and segment of the upcoming movie. I remember watching him on 20/20 last July and running out to buy his book, "The Pursuit of Happyness". I remember him talking about why he named the book the way he did with the typo and all. He was in a classroom speaking to kids and that quote was on a banner among other uplifting sayings. I remember helping my mother decorate her classroom every year...helping to put up similar, motivating sayings and decorations. It makes me think hard. Life is one big classroom isn't it? Through trial and error...I'm learning.

Thinking about Gardner and his struggles with raising his son, I am in awe as to how they made it through those dark days. I kept thinking, damn Ang...get it together. Why are you fighting against yourself? Stop it. At the gym in front of the treadmills Jeff and Darren have posters that are literally in your face. I have read it an analyzed it so much I know it by heart. They read, "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating the person you want to be. You decide who you want to be." I know I don't want to be some angry, depressed, irrational woman who locks herself in her space. I want to be many things... I want to be a woman of honor, one who continues to help her community, and a woman who is at peace with those around her and with herself. It all starts with me. Some things I can create on my own...others I need help with. I have to forgive myself for my stupid mistakes and move forward. I picked up another wish assignment...Natlie. By helping someone else it reminds me not to be so selfish. Tomorrow i'm going to find someplace to volunteer my time and remember to be thankful for what I have...and for what I don't have.

The Pink IPod with Green Eyes

I wonder if it's really true the we dream every night and if we didn't we would die. Allegedly we dream every night. Whether we remember them or not is another story. I only remember bits and pieces of last night's dream only because it was really weird yet it seemed so real. I was a patient in a hospital and the doctor was asking me all types of questions that surgeons would ask. Then he said brown eyes. I remember thinking that I changed my mind about something and then I told him green eyes. I want the pink IPod with green eyes. I also remember Olivia being there. While I didn't see her, I could hear the clicking of the computer keys and thinking that thing is her additional appendage. I don't remember any more. What an odd thing to dream about. I can't even try to attach any meaning to this one because it's absolutely illogical and crazy. It's amazing what images the brain creates based on what is in the conscience and sub-conscience. Just one of those silly things I guess.

I just got off the phone with my father and I can't help feeling a little irritated. He never listens. The doctor tells him on thing and he does the complete opposite. I tell him he should follow what the doctor says and he does the opposite of what I say too. Then after the fact I have to be helpful because he didn't listen. you would think that he would listen after having surgery. Why would you not??? Sometimes it feels like my parents are reverting back to children in some capacity. It's draining. To me, it seems like they want everybody else to do for them because they feel they shouldn't have to do certain things anymore. I wonder if they ever stop to think they could outlive me? I have to work more on being patient I guess but at what point does patience become weakness? Well, for now all I can do is what I can do. If he listens, he listens. If he doesn't, he doesn't. His choice. On a positive note, at least he's walking again.

Messages from Milton Keynes

My Aunt Gloria called me last night to find out when I'm coming back "across the pond". It's funny how another aspect of the world opened up to me when I spontaneously decided to book my ticket and go visit relatives I hardly know. What started out as being my first international trip has now become a gateway to connections and more possibilities. It's a good feeling to know that at 3am on a Monday morning in her part of the world, Aunt Gloria was thinking of me and waited up to call just to say she's thinking of me. We talked about my recent journey and all the sights seen. We always come back to the day we spent in London and the profound conversation we had at an outdoor cafe near the Apple Market. She is very wise woman. One thing I learned on that day was for every moment of doubt that's one less moment for decision. After that she wanted to take a picture of me so that I would have a visual reminder. I remember telling her we should take one together. She said we would later...but this moment is for me. I didn't understand what she meant then...but I do now. I must say it was a damn good shot! That was a really great day and a good trip. She reminded me to go back to that day when I have my doubts and remember that I am always on the right path in my journey. She says Sharon will be visiting NY during Christmas. I'm sorry I won't get to see her since I will be creating another first...spending my birthday and Christmas away from New York. She says I should have come to visit them over there. I think for New Year's 07 I will do that...maybe sooner.

The Why's of the Why's of the Why's

Last night I was given two of the best gifts I've received in a good while (aside from really good email). I was given the gift of laughter and insight. Meeting up with friends when all you really want to do is lay in bed and retreat is one of the best ways to start the process of "defunkifying". We all ask the question of why. Why are people so mean? Why do we feel the way we do? Why do we care about one thing but not the other? The why's of the why's. Jean gave me one of the best laughs I've had in weeks. Spending an hour at Footlocker in Times Square trying to get basic service while hundreds of video game fans outside waited was funny. I was looking for new running sneakers and it seemed like for the dozen salespeople in the store, no one seemed focused. Everyone was running around but nothing was really getting accomplished. Want a size ten...you may get a nine and a half instead. Isn't that what you asked for or just want they wanted to bring you? Most of the staff were doing anything but work. Instead, they seemed distracted by the music videos playing in the store. Why show up to a job where you don't want to do any work? Jean was equally frustrated trying to get someone to locate a pair of boots he wanted to possibly buy. The laughter came when Leah, a refreshing suprise (really helpful salewoman), found everything we requested. She also provided a friendly demeaner and a good aura. After she did all of the work, the other male workers started swarming to finally make a sale. It's funny how people want to swoop in after the fact to close a deal when they really didn't work hard enough in the first place. We got a really good laugh as one salesman continuously asked if we needed anything else. We didn't even need to say anything to each other before we both laughed. You never really know what another is thinking. We knew. It was a joy to know. It was a good laugh. A soul lifting laugh.

Outside, many guys and a few girls waited in line for the next hot video system next to Playstation to make its midnight debut. Why? Are we so screwed up that we can wait in line for games and toys ? Why can't we take the time to wait in line to vote in an official election to select politicians who will make decisions that affect everything about our existence? Why do we say we don't have time when in reality we make the time for what is important to us? Why do we even ask why? We ask because we are human. We feel. It's instinctual. We ask why even when we know sometimes we won't ever really get an answer. We ask because we have to. It's our nature. It's my nature. I have found that in asking the question in every situation, the answers or lack thereof shape my future thoughts and actions. One person's exploration is another person's bad journey. Why do I ask why? Why not.