I Should have gone into the Insurance Business or Medicine

There's nothing like dealing with medical insurance companies and doctor's offices to make my blood pressure shoot up like a thousand points! How healthy is that?!? In this day and age when everyone talks about eating healthy and advances in medical treatments, it seems so far that we have a long way to go to make sure everyone remains healthy. Something as simple as going to see a doctor has now become a bureaucratic nightmare of clearances and lists. I literally spent three hours online checking to make sure my limited insurance coverage will be accepted by all of my doctors. The funny thing is, when you get to the respective doctor's office, they aren't sure if they accept the insurance that your insurance company says provides to that very same doctor. Lorraine is right, I need an assistant just to assist with trivial phone calls. The extra kicker to this entire process is that not once was my medical needs taken into consideration but rather how I was going to pay for it. Long story short...I could die simply because I can't afford the expensive test needed to prevent something really bad. How ironic. I went ahead an scheduled the tests my doctor wants me to have. Only time will tell if anything further will be needed. In the meantime, i'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to relax and enjoy Christmas and New Years.

Oh Christmas Tree..Part 2

Today turned out to be such a wonderful day! It started with an always welcome call from Miriam! We haven't spoken in a good while so it was such a treat! I love talking with her. She's so calming and warm. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. She is to me what Genny is to her. Anyway, after that, I talked to Lor for a while, I love talking with her too. She's very powerful yet down to Earth. I went to my appointments. Met up with my father for dinner at Jackson Hole Wyoming. The burgers were so freaking good! I think I have found a new favorite burger joint hangout. I then went to visit the Christmas Tree! It is so beautiful. How I love, love, love Christmas and decorated trees! When I was working I kept my Christmas decoration, lights and all up at my cubicle all year long. People use to say I should take them down because Christmas is only in December. I know better. Christmas is all year long. The tree was literally sparkling. I want to try this year to go iceskating in the rink below. I'm a bad New Yorker. I take all these things for granted like it will always happen. I shouldn't do that. When I get back I should have a week to do iceskating before they take the tree down. Anyway...needless to say with this great day the one thing I didn't do was my paper. I'll stay up tonight to work on it and wrap that up tomorrow. I better get on that now! Oh how I love Christmas!

Restless in Brooklyn

O.K. So my attempt at sleep again has failed. Two hours of tossing and turning has resulted in me turning my computer back on. I'm sure I'll fall asleep eventually. In the meantime I am thinking about the really good lunch Delsia and I had on Wednesday. It was the first time I have ever had lobster for lunch and not dinner. How fun it is to do things out of the ordinary. She surprised me with a beautiful necklace and earring set that I wanted to put on right there in the restaurant. Had I not been so dressed down I would have worn it immediately but alas...It didn't go with my casual grey shirt and back sneakers. Ha ha. I will wear it on Christmas Eve and any chance I get though. I love it! So beautiful. So Angela. It was a good day to be with my friend. I hope she feels better though. Seems like everyone is coming down with a cold, the flu, congestion, whatever. It's all of this damn hot weather. It is December..Where the hell is my snow??? Or at least the cold weather I love? Guess I have to wait until January and February for that. Can't wait. I have some snow Angelas to make when the time comes.

As the year closes, I've been thinking a lot about where I've come from and where I still have yet to go. I use to think that at this point in my life I would at least be involved or possibly married and settled into a career. Maybe have a child or two. I always pictured myself someday having four kids. Don't know why. Just felt right. Now, I'm not so sure if I'll ever be in a committed relationship, ever get married, have a family of my own, or even have a career. Well, I do have a good feeling about having an established career that I love but everything else is up for grabs I think. I was having a debate with another girlfriend of mine over what type of girl I am. She says I'm the relationship type. The type that all guys really want at the end of the day. I think I'm starting to change my mind about what type I should be. It seems that label isn't working for me. Maybe I need to branch out and just have a serious of casual relationships, meaningless sex, and never expect to connect with anyone. The only constant in my life is me. I'm the common denominator in all of my previous failed pseudo relationships. I seem to like I like all of the guys who will never in a million years ever want to be with me for whatever reason.

I have learned over time is that I can't force myself into anybody else's life, but rather just work on what I want and need in mine. I guess some would say that on the relationship front part of my spirit has indeed been broken. However, I don't feel that way. I think for me, maybe I was born into the wrong generation. No longer are the days where anyone is really committed to anyone. No longer are the days when dating is required. Everyone wants everything yesterday. Or guys feel that women like me are a dime a dozen. The funny thing is I don't feel ordinary. I feel extraordinary and I don't mean it in an egotistical kind of way. Deep in my heart I feel like I am a rare breed. Some days I forget that but on nights like these I remember with clarity that I am indeed special. Maybe casual everything is the way to go. I don't know. I'm restless. I definitely live in the wrong city to meet anyone. I was watching the hot topics on "The View" the other day when Shawn Robinson from Access Hollywood was on it. She was saying that she is having a hard time dating. I was like...you've got to be kidding me?!? She's so beautiful. Thin. Great job. And she's having a hard time??? If she's not meeting good men what shot have I got? I'll never say never but come on!

Maybe it's my unwillingness to settle for "just anyone" that will cast me into the permanent ranks of singledom. But I know so many people who have settled for whatever reason and aren't happy. I guess I really can do bad all on my own although I don't think i'm doing bad being on my own right now. Why have someone else there to add to it? I don't feel sad though just a little disappointed sometimes that it would be nice to share small, special moments with a loved one or have someone to debate with or just be. It would be so good to actually feel loved. Maybe because I never really had that from anyone I was involved in, hell...not even from my parents...it creates a sense of loss on something that was never given to me to begin with. I know all this stems from my relationship primarily with my father. While I have made my peace with just about every issue I had with him, I still think about how my attitudes about him manifest themselves in my decisions regarding men. The optimist in me expects goodness. The realist in me doesn't expect anything. The two forces are constantly battling. The reconciliation is attracting someone only to drive them away. Who needs Dr. Phil when all you need is a few weeks of sleepless nights to tackle your demons? The funny thing is as predictable as many think I am...I am anything but predictable. I surprise myself all the time. Maybe it's time for me to start focusing on my reinvention as an eternal bachelorette. It's time for me to do even more things differently. I find I get bored with some rules. If men don't want me for who I am now, why be the "good girl" anymore? I don't know what's going to happen but only time will tell.

I Love Debating

What a great Racial Disparities class tonight. We finally got to the issue of Reparations! Such a complex and difficult issue. One of my classmates is so controversial in his Marxist approach that for a minute there I thought he might get jumped after class. Since my final paper is on the topic I found the debate even more intriguing. I realized that I like debating just about anything. In a debate you get to hear different perspectives and concepts. While I don't have time tonight to get into the key areas of the Reparations issue, I do want to say that we have a long way to go if the issue will ever be reviewed in the political arena. Anyway, I better get some rest since but i'll revisit the issue tomorrow when I have a little bit more time.

Feeling Good

I couldn't help smiling on my way home. I smiled walking to the subway. I smiled as I stopped in Dunkin Donuts for a cup of hot chocolate. I smiled as I crossed the street. Some guy smiled back and said hello. I smiled while sitting on the train sipping my cocoa. And I smiled on my way up the block walking home. I feel good. I completed my Financial Management final and walked away from it like...damn girl...you did great! Only one more paper separates me from completion of the semester. Case study...done. Comp final and presentation...done. Disparities paper...almost there. I've been sleeping well the past few nights. This has helped me tremendously! I decided that for my birthday this year, I'm going to buy myself a really cool charm that represents my year. It felt really good to smile so much. Tomorrow i'll make it a point to get up and workout. I was delinquent the last few days. Can't backslide now that i'm making real progress. It's late. I better go to sleep. I'm going to smile then too.

Dreamgirls

I recently had the opportunity to go to an advanced screening of the film Dreamgirls. Beyonce Knowles, Jennifer Hudson, and Noni Gay Rose depict the characters based loosely on the real life Supremes. I never saw the Broadway production of Dreamgirls but after seeing the movie, I really do hope somebody decides to revive the show. If I participate in this year's Oscars pool, my money will be on Jennifer Hudson getting the nod for best supporting actress (even though in my opinion she's the star). This movie should also take Best Picture of the Year. It was amazing to watch Hudson perform in the role of Effie (Florence Ballard). I heard someone say recently that in a way it was a blessing for Hudson to have not won the American Idol competition. In her not succeeding there, a doorway opened for her to play this role that she was literally born to play. The movie and the performances really made me think about family, friendships, love, pain, sadness, struggle, and redemption. We go through so many emotions as human beings. While Florence Ballard did not live to see the stage production nor film version, I am sure the remaining Supremes and Barry Gordy will have a lot to think about, and revisit. Well, I better revisit the books. Financial Management final is tonight. I'm nervous. I'm going to wish myself luck now...GOOD LUCK ANG!

Playing Catch Up

So we all get into the city to do our final presentations and no professor! We hope he's o.k. since we haven't received word why he was a no show. Only two out of three groups were to present, mine included. I must say we had a killer presentation to give! We should automatically get an instant A. So that's one class down...three to go. I finally was able to get a full seven hours of consecutive sleep two nights in a row. That 's a record for me. Maybe I feel a little less stressed knowing this is the final week of the semester although I am worried about tomorrow's final. Floch is such a hard grader and who knows what she's going to ask on that test. Oh well...it will be over soon enough. I'm actually looking forward to going away and doing something different for my birthday and Christmas. I booked the shore excursions late last night. I think I will have the most fun in Cozomel. No matter what I am going to make sure to do something fun each day on that trip as well as relax. I emailed Dr. Rubin about the headaches and he told me to come in to the office this week. Something new to worry about but I guess I shouldn't worry about anything until there's something to worry about right? Anyway, I better get back to work.