Saturday Blah, Blah, Blah

I spent most of the day in bed. Didn't really feel like getting up at all but I did around 11am. Got dressed even though I had no intention of going outside. It looked nice out. Tomorrow is going to be a rainy mess. As always, it was a quiet day. I think i'm going to start dating myself again by going out on Saturdays as my "date day". Maybe that would help in breaking this depression.

Spent a couple of hours uploading more pictures from last year's trip. Something about looking at them makes me happy. I want to see even more of the world. I can't wait until I have another opportunity to travel. I guess you could say I am in a very passionate relationship with traveling. While it can never be a substitute for human contact and intimate relationships, it sure does rank high up there for me. So much ugly and beauty in this world to see and experience.

Had pancakes again today. Second Saturday in a row. Didn't go to exercise class at all this week. Still also have the pain down the side of my neck. It's late. I'm rambling. So much on my mind. Nobody to talk to though so I'll have a conversation with myself in the mirror in the morning. Headed back to the sanctuary of my bed. More tomorrow.

News News Everywhere

Watching the news today make me feel like I actually have had some life moments that are above ordinary and all lead me to meeting celebrities and very wealthy people. Go figure since while I don't personally have much I find that I am in places and spaces where I get to meet and interact with "the higher ups". Then again they are just ordinary people right? Lilo Brancato was in the news today. He was Cologo (sp) in Chaz Palmeterie's "A Bronx Tale". I met both of them in 1995 when both came to speak to my screenwriting class at FU. It's hard to believe that Brancato had the million to one shot to become a star and basically blew it on drugs. He's now serving ten years in jail on burglary charges. Chaz Palmeterie is an inspiration. A Bronx Tale was his very first screenplay and he basically wrote it after he had been fired as a doorman. He said he started writing that very night. I should take cue.

I put in my bid to win Oprah's Oscar sweepstakes. The winner gets to fly to her after Oscar show! I want to win! Odds are a million to one but you've got to be in it to win it right? I want to win an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. I have so many life stories to tell. I think they are all interesting. But I wouldn't write to win an award. I write because it's therapeutic and I believe everyone has a story or two to share.

On Nightly News tonight there was a piece about the Pontiac line coming to an end. Looks like another casualty of the car industry woes. I remember most of my 20's spent riding around in my father's Pontiac 6000LE. He held on to Lizzy (you knew it would be a girl's name) for fourteen years. I still miss that car.

Have so much on the brain today. Oscars. Unemployment insurance. Medical coverage. Sleep. Writing. Relationships. Everything. Well..it's the weekend so I'll have plenty of time to talk about it all tomorrow since we know how much I hate weekends.

Steroids over Stimulus?

Since when should A-Rod's steroid use trump President Obama's historic signing of the largest stimulus package in history? The news media and those who don't question this type of coverage are ridiculous in my opinion. Even more ridiculous than the CT woman who was taking care of a chimpanzee for 15 years as if though it were her son. That same chimp went wild, attacked the woman's best friend and has left the friend disfigured and fighting for her life. What the hell is going on in this world? We pay baseball players millions to play ball and accept if they were doping yet we critique and make our society's economic crisis a secondary story? Baseball and chimps over unemployed people and homelessness. Oye vey.

I didn't sleep well last night. Have this excruciating pain running down the left side of my neck not to mention the beginnings for a really painful migraine. I've taken so much OTC medication that I fear my liver will get really upset with me. Anywho, going to curl back up into bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

Food for Thought

So definitely not my best eating habits this weekend. Of course the past two and a half days I've been eating terribly. Typical comfort food eating. The funny thing is I don't even have "bad" foods up here to eat..just too much of the normal. On Saturday I made pancakes. Never really do that. Also had bacon. Don't do that on the regular either. Crackers, cheese, massive amounts of plums and oranges. I think I want to throw up just typing all this. Food has always been my friend...and my enemy. You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. I need to get more disciplined. I want to do marathons and charity related walk/runs. Gotta get more focused. I know I'm stressing about making rent when I shouldn't worry about it. Just don't have enough of an emergency fund saved. The good news is that I don't have credit card debt. Only into Uncle Sam for student loans. It's still a bit depressing having to sign up for unemployment...again. Oh well...what can I do except continue to build my skills, look for other sources of income, and move forward.

I'm sure people still don't get why I don't have a fondness for email. I feel like even when I express myself to folks, all they do is send me more email and usually negative email. I can't even have a selfish moment focused on me. Really sucks. I should become a practicing recluse but i'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

OK. something going on outside. Firetrucks are literally outside across the street from my building. More in a few.


10:35pm...so still not sure what the heck is going on outside. It looks like the firefighters are looking for a gas leak or something. Nothing to indicate evacuation but it is frustrating living in a building with a bunch of morons who don't convey information. I would probably die in a fire emergency if it were left up to them to alert me. Never a dull moment around here. Hope there is nothing major for concern outside.

Nobody, Somebody, and Anybody

Last night I watched "Why we Love Cats and Dogs" on PBS. It was amazing to see various perspectives from dog and cat owners about what their pets (or four legged family members) do for their mind, body, and spirit. There was this one couple that had a dog with cancer. The dog, I think his name was Jake, had lost one of his legs to the cancer and was still battling with the disease. His owners did something that I think was simply amazing. Instead of treating the dog with continued vet visits, they both gave up their home, got an RV, and started traveling with the dog to make him happy. I love it! They travelled to wide open spaces and places where animals can run free (and I suspect their human spirits could be free also). Why can't most other humans be that selfless and free? Even though the dog only had a couple of more months to live, they let him be happy and free by changing their lives to help him and not having the dog conform to their will of keeping him alive at a vet hospital. What a special couple and dog that was to watch. I think many could learn from that type of love.

There was also this quirky couple that I would label as "cat freaks", but something about their cat names caught my attention (I like cats and dogs but prefer dogs more). They had cat names of Nobody, Somebody, and Anybody to name a few. I use to have a computer sign on years ago of Nobody since that's how I felt. Then about five or six years ago it changed to Somebody. Nowadays on some days I feel it should be Anybody but I'll hold with Somebody for as long as I can keep it together. I keep thinking about the cat named Nobody. I don't think any cat (like any human) would feel good with a name like Nobody.

With the exception of three or four people, I am "releasing" all of the folks in my life who make me feel like I have to beg for two minutes of their time. I have always believed that friendship is one of the most difficult relationships to maintain simply because it requires all parties involved to work at it consistently. With the majority of people I often say to myself "why bother?". I know the answer....because everything happens in the order that God has planned for it to happen. There is always a reason. Who am I to question it. I always wish well for everyone...including those who have hurt me the most. Since most don't have time for a phone call or to meet up every once in a while then I would imagine they already have folks in their life that meet all of their needs and I am not inclusive in that set. I was told in a reply to one of my ever so honest emails that perhaps I should get therapy or find a group of people that share common interests. To me, I thought in part that was what choosing friends meant. Didn't realize I should be paying for someone to listen to me or spend time with. Who knew? Guess that particular person was too busy to see how hurtful that was to me. I really don't think many "get" me. Yes, I realize that even those who are involved or married get lonely too. But what I don't think they understand is what it feels like to be a reject. No man has ever loved me unconditionally...not even my father. I don't think anyone understands what it feels like to have never had a boyfriend longer than three months, to never have had a mate for just about all of my life moments, to never have anyone around on just an ordinary day. Not a good feeling going through life knowing that there may never be anyone brave enough to even try to get to know me. So, while I get it that even couples can feel lonely...at least at some point in their life they cared and loved one another and had mutual respect and a bond. I have yet to meet anyone who even sees the potential in us to have that type of relationship. Again...I'll just have to flick it off and try to keep moving forward right?

Doesn't help that I'm unemployed yet again. I am getting sick of some people. Too many selfish ones in the world that have too much limited power in the workplace. Why can't folks just leave their personal bullshit at home? I now have to figure out how to pay my rent, manage my medical care, and basically how to sustain my life all because somebody else didn't like me. What the fudge?!? Is this high school or something. Ridiculous! Those are the Nobodys and Anybodys that don't want to be Somebody...that's just my opinion but what do I know...I'm the one without a job, a mate, a home of my own, very few friends, and no money. But for now, I still am Somebody.